However, part of me has been continually looking around me waiting for the shoe to drop. Knowing Bi-polar is not a disease that can be cured (not to mention neither are Autism or Generalized Anxiety disorders), I always knew it couldn't stay this good forever.
Well, the shoe has finally dropped, and it dropped harder than any of us could have imagined, and we are finding ourselves feeling as if we are drowning and struggling to come up for air. On top of dealing with our son who is struggling with a severe case of rapid cycling in his bi-polar, I have been fighting other battles related to his services and supplies. I am back to spending my days on the phone with doctors, supply companies, therapy service providers, case mangers, and insurance companies. I am not getting the things done around the house and with my business because of the unexpected problems that come up on a daily basis.
The carpet has been ripped out from under our feet. Our minds are spinning. We are at a loss for how to handle our current situations. We have lost our biggest support person due to a move. We are back to that not-knowing-what-a-day-will-hold feeling that we had hoped was an ugly memory of the past. Having known how awesome it feels to have things going so smoothly and better than ever before makes this set back sting harder leaving a greater bitter taste in our mouths.
It's hard to keep up the faith and not doubt God's goodness. It's hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep our chin up. It's hard to even pray when our hearts are anguished with sorrow.
Yet God remains our Rock. His presence remains. Each day, He gives us reminders of His love and promises and the strength to keep on keeping on.
Two days ago, I was reminded by Joni Earckson Tada in her Pearls of Great Price devotional, "In the midst of your own darkness, there is treasure and riches that could never be discovered in the light of ease and peace. Needing God desperately will always make you wealthy" as she discussed the truth of Daniel 2:22: "He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him." I feel in utter darkness, and having been there before, I know the truth of the treasure in the darkness is there, but at this point, I am still trying to find that treasure.
Yesterday, I was reminded about Psalm 23 and the truths that the LORD is my shepherd, that I don't need to be in want, that He makes me to lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters, and that He restores my soul. I know He does these things, but it sure would be nice to feel them at this moment.
Today, I was reminded about Proverbs 3:5-6 and that I need to trust the LORD, not lean on my own understanding. I need to acknowledge Him, and He will make my paths straight. I feel as if I can hardly see the path just in front of my feet, but I know that I can trust God to guide my steps. The reminder that God will make my path straight is encouraging because even if I can't see the path in front of me, I can still confidently take the next step because God won't let my feet slip. If I keep my eyes on Him, I won't stumble.
Dear Lord, please continue to guide my footsteps. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Keep me from stumbling. Help my unbelief! Thank you for the daily comforts and reminders from your Word. Thank you for your grace and strength for today. Help me to be a wise steward of it! Amen.
