What is the role of a pastor or an elder in a church? The word “pastor” is from a Latin word that means “shepherd.” The “Elder” in the New Testament is given the command to shepherd. Pastors and Elders are to shepherd their congregation, their flock. The Old Testament gives many examples of God or the LORD being a Shepherd to His people. David and Moses were considered shepherds of the people. Jesus, during his earthly ministry, called himself the Good Shepherd. Priests were undershepherds to God’s people. The apostles talk in their epistles about the role of elders as shepherds. The examples and expectations are clear, but carrying out the big task of shepherding is a huge undertaking and one that clearly isn’t being taken seriously in our day and age, but it was an issue in the past as well. Just read the prophecy against the undershepherds in Ezekiel 34.
Timothy Witmer wrote a fantastic book called The Shepherd
Leader: Achieving Effective Shepherding in Your Church. It should be a required book to read for all
elders and any incoming elders. I
decided to read it to make sure my expectations/understanding of what an elder
is and what he should do based on what I read in the Bible was accurate. I have found through this book that I am indeed
interpreting correctly what the Bible has to say about elders. It made me sad to read the book and realize I
was right and that my understanding wasn’t even to the fullest of what the
Bible has to say about the role of elders.
It grieves me to think how far off the mark so many elders are.
The reason I chose to dive into this topic is because I have
a history of church abuse and church hurt that has been brought back up to the
surface lately, exposing all of my deep wounds and making me have to face my
trauma all over again. I’m trying to
sort out my thoughts and feelings to help me process and heal from my trauma
once and for all.
It’s important to define the terms “church abuse” and
“church hurt.” I’ve gleaned these
definitions from all of the sources I have read on the topics. Church abuse includes any of the following: sexual
violence, domestic abuse, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological
abuse, financial abuse or acts of intimidation.
Church hurt is term used to describe emotional or physical pain caused
by the actions of decisions of someone in a church. There is a lot of cross-over between the two
terms. Both can be a result of the abuse
or misuse of power within the church.
Church hurt can also be from non-leaders of the church, whereas church
abuse is almost always from the church leadership.
According to Witmer, Shepherds (elders) are to know the
sheep, feed the sheep, lead the sheep, and protect the sheep. They are to do this at a macro level (through
the preaching/teaching of God’s Word) as well as a micro level (on an
individual level with each of their sheep).
He uses Jesus’ example to prove his point. Jesus, as the Good Shepherd knows His sheep,
and His sheep know His voice. A
relationship has to be there for His sheep to know His voice and follow
Him. This is the expectation of our shepherd
elders in our churches.
Sadly, this is not what I have experienced in the churches
in which I have been a member. I was
sexually abused by a deacon in my church when I was 5 years old. My parents did the right thing in reporting
it to the police. However, the pastor of
the church and the leaders were upset with my parents for going to the
authorities and wished that they had just let them deal with it. The horror of it all! If they were shepherding my parents and me
properly, they would have come alongside of them to support them in going to
the police and walk with them through the lengthy investigation that then took
place. How did that abandonment from the
elders make me feel? “I’m not important.
I have no value. I’m worthless!”
Fast forward to my adult life during a very difficult time
in my life when I was faced with the reality of a husband addicted to
porn. When he had fallen into it again,
and I confronted him after he had lied about it, something went askew
psychologically for me, and I started responding to him like he was my sexual
abuser even though logically I knew he wasn’t.
My Christian counselor recommended that I ask him to leave in an effort
to try to save my marriage and get me the psychological and emotional help I
needed to recover. I followed her
advice, but as a result, my church leaders enacted church discipline on me for
asking my husband to leave. My counselor
met with the elders to explain what we were trying to accomplish, but they were
so insistent that he be allowed back in the house that they gave me an
ultimatum to either let him back in or I would be excommunicated (I had already
been removed from all of my ministries, and they had already confronted me,
even bringing an elder’s wife with them).
I was just trying to save my marriage to avoid divorce, but that wasn’t
acceptable to the elders because all they cared about was my husband’s need to
be living with me. How did this make me
feel? I’m worthless. I have no value. My healing isn’t important. All that matters is my obedience to the
elders who only care about my husband.
After all, he wasn’t asked to step down from his church leadership until
I demanded it because I had been removed from all of mine, and I was the victim
not the culprit. Thankfully, God helped
me get the healing I needed without their help, and my husband was supportive
of my healing and supportive in our decision to find another church.
Then again, in yet another church, it happened again in
several different ways. We thought this
church was different. Even their
membership vows include a statement that if you feel estranged in any way regarding
the church that you seek out an elder to have a discussion before making any
decisions. Great! That means they care! Sadly, that just wasn’t
the case. Within a week after becoming
members, the infamous COV1D shutdown happened.
Churches all over the place lost their focus and sinned against God’s
command to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together. We thankfully found another church to worship
in while ours remained closed. Once it
opened, masks were required in order to attend church. I have a heart condition in which masking deprives
me of oxygen, causes me to have bronchospasms, and I end up with severe heart
palpitations that make me even more short of breath and feel like I am going to
pass out. I do eventually pass out if I
don’t get the palpitations under control.
Because of my medical condition and because the laws of PA allowed for
medical exceptions, I was allowed to go without a mask in public places. However, our church didn’t allow for PA’s
medical exception, so I could go to the grocery store, but I couldn’t go to
church. Our oldest was seriously
struggling with his mental health during that time and needed to go to a
residential program. Before he left, we
wanted to host a prayer meeting sendoff for him at his request. We were abiding by the government’s limit of
the number of people gathered and had invited key people in his life. Two of the pastors of the church contacted us
asking that we cancel the prayer meeting because of the scare of COV1D. Instead of coming to the prayer meeting to
support a struggling sheep, they encouraged us to NOT have a prayer meeting for
him. We were incredulous at their spiritually
hurtful response. Later, a sermon was
preached about loving our brother and being thoughtful about those who are more
fearful of the disease and why we should wear masks so that they can be
comfortable in church. The sermon was
totally one sided, not encouraging the fearful to understand that there are
people who cannot physically wear a mask who also need to be in church and
should be allowed since the government allows them in other public spaces. We and two other families from the church
requested a meeting with the elders to discuss our feelings/concerns in keeping
of our membership vows to seek out a meeting with an elder should we feel
estranged. The meeting was scheduled,
then a few days before the meeting, it was canceled because the pastor didn’t
have time to prepare. What preparation
needed to be done in order to listen to sheep’s concerns? Shouldn’t you come to the table with no
expectations or plans but to listen? Lastly,
we had another family crisis in which our world was turned upside down, and
instead of receiving shepherding care, we got the hammer. Again, those feelings of “I’m worthless. I have no value” come to the surface. This time with extra loudness and impact
because now my family is involved and impacted.
My thoughts turn to, “Since I have no value, neither do my children or
my family.” It’s an agonizing feeling and
such a loud voice that is difficult to silence.
I know these thoughts and feelings are not true and not from
God. I know that God’s Word tells me
otherwise. It’s just getting harder and
harder to stop hearing these lies because they are being reinforced over and
over again by our shepherds. Now that we
are without a shepherd again, I feel the terror settling, but every time I
think about finding a new church home and becoming members somewhere else, the
terror rises up inside of me. How can I
ever trust another group of elders to shepherd me? If I had my way, I’d never become a member of
a church again! How does one recover
from Church Abuse or Church Hurt?
I’m working with a counselor to work through the emotional
damage. I’d love to be able to trust
again. I have read a book on Church
Abuse. I am finding podcasts and blog
posts about others who have faced church abuse and hurt. Sadly, I’m not finding a lot of encouraging
or positive stories or outcomes. I’m
realizing that the hurt is prevalent, and that’s heartbreaking! It’s not something that is often brought to
light, but it should be. We need
positive stories and outcomes of how God has redeemed bad things. When the undershepherds were prophesied
against in Ezekiel 34 because they failed to be the shepherds they were called
to be, God was the shepherd for the scattered sheep. I am finding hope in that!
If you can relate to the feelings of church abuse or church
hurt and want to talk, I’m happy to lend a listening ear. I don’t have answers for you, but I hope to
someday. I hope to eventually have a
positive story to share with others in my shoes. If you have found redemption from your church
and have encouraging words to share with me, I’m all ears! Perhaps we just need to walk this painful journey
together, striving to sort out the truths of God’s Word and Satan’s lies.
If you have elders who truly shepherd as they are commanded,
don’t take them for granted! Send them a
note of thanks or speak to them in person.
They need to be encouraged for being faithful in the midst of so many
unfaithful shepherds. God will reward
them for caring for the hearts of His people.
They are wonderful examples for other elders to see how shepherding can
be done well in our broken world.
Forsaking your faith or forsaking church all together is not
the answer. That’s Satan’s desire! We need to keep the faith and keep obeying
God’s command to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together. However, I think we need to be cautious in
committing to the shepherding of elders too quickly before truly understanding
what their shepherding looks like. We
need to pray and ask God to give us a discerning heart before jumping into
another sheepfold. We also need to remember
that we are still a sheep in need of a home. God be gracious to us in our time
of need!
