The Hungry Joy Thief and Master of Lies

He's at it yet again!  Who? Satan, the devil, the joy thief and master of lies, who is prowling around seeking all he can devour, and he's hungry! 

Time and time again, Satan comes after us right before we are going to do an act of service for God.  Preparing for a missions trip? He comes at us with all weapons aimed to kill.  In our darkest times as a family? He cuts deeper finding ways to make us bleed more, when we thought we had already bled out. Preparing to lead a Bible study?  He attacks our health making preparation that much more difficult.  It shouldn't surprise me each time Satan attacks, but somehow, it still always catches me off guard, and as I am in the midst of woes, I realize what is going on and double down yet again to not let him win.

This time, it's a double whammy as I accompany the Junior Choir at our church and as I prepare to lead a study on I Peter with some close Amish friends.  The study isn't even starting until January, but my midwifery schedule is extremely full next year, and I am worried that births will get in the way of my preparation, so I decided to start preparing and working ahead now so that I'm ready.  Before even realizing what was happening, in one fell swoop, I suffered a concussion (the 4th I've had in the last 4 years), ravaging my head with debilitating pain and making me so nauseated, I could hardly function.  Don't tell my body you are supposed to rest after getting a concussion, because within 2 hours of the concussion, I was trying not to vomit in the car as I raced off to a birth.  That was the first of 4 births I would then have in the next 31 hours (I ended up with 5 births in 4 days with just the first birth out of the way by the time I got the concussion).  I had to accompany the junior choir just over 48 hours after the concussion.  I had been dealing with numbness in my right leg and my right middle, ring, and pinky fingers since the night of the concussion, and of course I'd wake up Sunday morning with my left arm completely numb. How was I supposed to play the piano only feeling 2 of my 10 fingers?  Thankfully, prayer and some hypericum homeopathic helped me regain the feeling in my left arm and most of the feeling in my fingers of my right hand by the time I needed to play.  There have been so many demands on my time with births, multiple miscarriages, phone calls, problems and concerns, you name it!  Anything to keep me from having time to work on the study.  It's been so overwhelming.  In my exasperation, I asked out loud: "Why? Why is this happening? Why now?"  Tim quickly answered, "Christine, think about what you are doing!" It all dawned on me - I can't just serve God and coast through my service in ease, because Satan is out to devour me! As I try to recover from my concussion hoping that my supplements and God's grace will be enough to heal my brain and body since I can't give my body the rest it needs, I find myself frustrated that Satan sees the need to attack me yet again.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I'm thankful that God plants little moments of light and hope in my days as I struggle to just keep going.  Daily, He gives me glimpses of His favor as I seek to be faithful to Him, and that's enough to sustain me.

As if a concussion isn't enough, Satan has been feeding me lies, and I've been blindly believing them!  He's so subtle!  From the time I was sexually abused at 5 years of age, he has told me over and over again, "You have no value!  You are worthless!"  He's a master and speaking those lies into my ears when I don't even realize that's what he's saying.  He's weaponized church leaders to reinforce those lies.  It started with the church leaders at the time of my sexual abuse by a deacon in my church, and the leaders were upset with my parents for going to the legal authorities wishing they had just let the church handle it - "You have no value!  What happened to you should just be swept under the rug like it never happened.  It's no big deal!"  My struggle to accept myself only compounded the struggle of never feeling accepted by the kids at school.  I was only noticed enough to be mocked and teased all throughout my primary and secondary education for being "too good."  As an adult, church leadership came after me threatening church discipline when I was desperately trying to save my marriage while dealing with an emotional and psychological crisis when my past sexual abuse and lack of complete healing from the ordeal came head to head with me when we were pursuing serving full time on the mission field.  Instead of coming alongside of me and encouraging me in my seeking Christian counseling and working hard with my counselor to heal, they wanted to disrupt what my Christian counselor had advised and tried to take Scripture out of context to support their efforts.  "You have no value!  You are worthless!  We don't even care to know how you are really doing!"  We left that church in an effort to be truly shepherded, but we ended up facing similar battles.  Not being able to worship in church because I couldn't wear a mask due to medical issues during the COVID epidemic, we tried to meet with church leadership to help them understand the struggle of knowing I am free to go grocery shopping but not free to go to church.  We were given a date to meet, but they canceled the meeting on us because they just felt they didn't have time to meet and didn't feel like they needed to discuss the matter anymore (even though we had never had a chance to discuss the matter with them). "You have no value!  It's no big deal you can't be in church!"  Months later, I was allowed to go to church without a mask, but I wasn't allowed to walk around and fellowship.  People saw me unmasked and made comments about how rebellious I was, and leadership never felt the need to defend my actions.  "You are worthless!" The most painful experience was when our family had a huge crisis and trial that rattled us to the core, and it wasn't just me who was made to feel like I didn't matter.  Our whole family felt the weight of the lies: "You are worthless!  You have no value!" It hurt deeper that my kids were made to suffer, and it reinforced Satan's personal lies to me: "You are worthless!  You have no value!  As a result, your kids are worthless and have no value."  I've spent a year wrestling with those lies and working so hard to be able to forgive men who didn't even see the need to ask for forgiveness.  

Satan has also weaponized family members.  There was a time in our son's past, where we truly felt that there was some demonic oppression or possession going on where we could look in his eyes and know it wasn't him.  We'd pray and sing over him watching him writhe and howl and scream until calm finally came over him countless times.  During one of these episodes, he was screaming at me while I quoted Scripture to him.  He responded with, "Well, I have a message from Satan for you: You are worthless!  You have no value!"  Up to that point, I hadn't shared with anyone my struggle with those lies and the mantra in my head that would play those words over and over again.  I hadn't even shared the struggle with my husband, not to mention my son.  I knew it really was a message from Satan.  The lies have also come in quiet, subtle ways.  I love accompanying my son on the piano while he plays his violin.  It brings me so much joy.  As he has advanced in his skill, and as I am often too busy to practice, his pieces require more advanced piano playing, that I really need time to polish and get up to that level.  Instead of being patient with me, he just said that he'd rather just get someone else better to accompany him.  That was such a stab in the heart, and I know it was innocent and not meant to hurt me, because it was a necessity for him in his current level.  However, Satan used that opportunity to speak those lies: "You are worthless!  Your piano skills aren't good enough. You have no value!"  

As if Satan isn't clever enough in his lies, he's at it again not just with the lies but with stealing my joy.  As I found myself enjoying new opportunities to play the piano with the youth choir and accompany David once again in church within the last month plus, I was filled with so much joy to be able to serve again in church and enjoy the beauty and therapy of music.  The joy was so short-lived as I found myself repeating Satan's lies to me: "You aren't good enough.  You are worthless!  You are a fake!  Someone better than you should be doing this!  You have no value!"  How pathetic that Satan would have me telling myself the lies and believing them.  Instead of getting relaxation and joy out of practicing my pieces, I find myself getting more stressed and beating myself up when my fingers don't want to do what my brain tells them to or when the numbness in my fingers makes it hard to feel the keys.

As I wallowed in my frustration and self-deception, I realized that Satan was winning.  He had me fully believing his lies.  He was robbing me of joy.  He was making me regret choosing to serve God through music and Bible study.  That's when I realized I can't fight this on my own.  I can't continue to live in the shadows and make everyone believe all is well with me, when I am fighting a tough battle inside my own head and heart.  I need community more than ever!  I need prayer warriors willing to lift me up before the throne of grace.  I need truths being spoken louder than Satan's lies.  Who's willing to fight with me?  

Jesus says of Satan: "He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44b-c). 

Satan's first lie was to Eve: "You will not surely die!" He hasn't stopped since that lie!  Revelation 12:9 describes him: "that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world."  Look out, he's out to get you too!  How is Satan lying to you?  How can I help you fight your own battles against him?

Satan wants us alone and in isolation.  We are easier targets that way.  The Bible reminds us over and over again of the importance of being in fellowship and community with one another, and we are told to love one another so many times.  My study of I-III John with my friends this year and the I Peter study I am preparing both shocked me with the repeated themes of being called to love one another and having brotherly love. God never intended for us to face various trials alone.  Not only does He give us community, but "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" (I Corinthians 10:13).

Be on watch for the hungry Joy thief and master of lies.  Don't become his next victim!

1 Peter 5:8–11: "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. (ESV)

Church Abuse and Church Hurt

What is the role of a pastor or an elder in a church?  The word “pastor” is from a Latin word that means “shepherd.”  The “Elder” in the New Testament is given the command to shepherd.  Pastors and Elders are to shepherd their congregation, their flock.  The Old Testament gives many examples of God or the LORD being a Shepherd to His people.  David and Moses were considered shepherds of the people.  Jesus, during his earthly ministry, called himself the Good Shepherd.  Priests were undershepherds to God’s people.  The apostles talk in their epistles about the role of elders as shepherds.  The examples and expectations are clear, but carrying out the big task of shepherding is a huge undertaking and one that clearly isn’t being taken seriously in our day and age, but it was an issue in the past as well.  Just read the prophecy against the undershepherds in Ezekiel 34.

Timothy Witmer wrote a fantastic book called The Shepherd Leader: Achieving Effective Shepherding in Your Church.  It should be a required book to read for all elders and any incoming elders.  I decided to read it to make sure my expectations/understanding of what an elder is and what he should do based on what I read in the Bible was accurate.  I have found through this book that I am indeed interpreting correctly what the Bible has to say about elders.  It made me sad to read the book and realize I was right and that my understanding wasn’t even to the fullest of what the Bible has to say about the role of elders.  It grieves me to think how far off the mark so many elders are.

The reason I chose to dive into this topic is because I have a history of church abuse and church hurt that has been brought back up to the surface lately, exposing all of my deep wounds and making me have to face my trauma all over again.  I’m trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings to help me process and heal from my trauma once and for all.

It’s important to define the terms “church abuse” and “church hurt.”  I’ve gleaned these definitions from all of the sources I have read on the topics.  Church abuse includes any of the following: sexual violence, domestic abuse, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse or acts of intimidation.  Church hurt is term used to describe emotional or physical pain caused by the actions of decisions of someone in a church.  There is a lot of cross-over between the two terms.  Both can be a result of the abuse or misuse of power within the church.  Church hurt can also be from non-leaders of the church, whereas church abuse is almost always from the church leadership.

According to Witmer, Shepherds (elders) are to know the sheep, feed the sheep, lead the sheep, and protect the sheep.  They are to do this at a macro level (through the preaching/teaching of God’s Word) as well as a micro level (on an individual level with each of their sheep).  He uses Jesus’ example to prove his point.  Jesus, as the Good Shepherd knows His sheep, and His sheep know His voice.  A relationship has to be there for His sheep to know His voice and follow Him.  This is the expectation of our shepherd elders in our churches.

Sadly, this is not what I have experienced in the churches in which I have been a member.  I was sexually abused by a deacon in my church when I was 5 years old.  My parents did the right thing in reporting it to the police.  However, the pastor of the church and the leaders were upset with my parents for going to the authorities and wished that they had just let them deal with it.  The horror of it all!  If they were shepherding my parents and me properly, they would have come alongside of them to support them in going to the police and walk with them through the lengthy investigation that then took place.  How did that abandonment from the elders make me feel? “I’m not important.  I have no value.  I’m worthless!”

Fast forward to my adult life during a very difficult time in my life when I was faced with the reality of a husband addicted to porn.  When he had fallen into it again, and I confronted him after he had lied about it, something went askew psychologically for me, and I started responding to him like he was my sexual abuser even though logically I knew he wasn’t.  My Christian counselor recommended that I ask him to leave in an effort to try to save my marriage and get me the psychological and emotional help I needed to recover.  I followed her advice, but as a result, my church leaders enacted church discipline on me for asking my husband to leave.  My counselor met with the elders to explain what we were trying to accomplish, but they were so insistent that he be allowed back in the house that they gave me an ultimatum to either let him back in or I would be excommunicated (I had already been removed from all of my ministries, and they had already confronted me, even bringing an elder’s wife with them).  I was just trying to save my marriage to avoid divorce, but that wasn’t acceptable to the elders because all they cared about was my husband’s need to be living with me.  How did this make me feel?  I’m worthless.  I have no value.  My healing isn’t important.  All that matters is my obedience to the elders who only care about my husband.  After all, he wasn’t asked to step down from his church leadership until I demanded it because I had been removed from all of mine, and I was the victim not the culprit.  Thankfully, God helped me get the healing I needed without their help, and my husband was supportive of my healing and supportive in our decision to find another church.

Then again, in our new church, it happened again in several different ways.  We thought this church was different.  Even their membership vows include a statement that if you feel estranged in any way regarding the church that you seek out an elder to have a discussion before making any decisions.  Great!  That means they care! Sadly, that just wasn’t the case.  Within a week after becoming members, the infamous COV1D shutdown happened.  Churches all over the place lost their focus and sinned against God’s command to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  We thankfully found another church to worship in while ours remained closed.  Once our church opened, masks were required in order to attend church.  I have a heart condition in which masking deprives me of oxygen, causes me to have bronchospasms, and I end up with severe heart palpitations that make me even more short of breath and feel like I am going to pass out.  I do eventually pass out if I don’t get the palpitations under control.  Because of my medical condition and because the laws of PA allowed for medical exceptions, I was allowed to go without a mask in public places.  However, our church didn’t allow for PA’s medical exception, so I could go to the grocery store, but I couldn’t go to church.  Our oldest was seriously struggling with his mental health during that time and needed to go to a residential program.  Before he left, we wanted to host a prayer meeting sendoff for him at his request.  We were abiding by the government’s limit of the number of people gathered and had invited key people in his life.  Two of the pastors of the church contacted us asking that we cancel the prayer meeting because of the scare of COV1D.  Instead of coming to the prayer meeting to support a struggling sheep, they encouraged us to NOT have a prayer meeting for him.  We were incredulous at their spiritually hurtful response.  Later, a sermon was preached about loving our brother and being thoughtful about those who are more fearful of the disease and why we should wear masks so that they can be comfortable in church.  The sermon was totally one sided, not encouraging the fearful to understand that there are people who cannot physically wear a mask who also need to be in church and should be allowed since the government allows them in other public spaces.  We and two other families from the church requested a meeting with the elders to discuss our feelings/concerns in keeping of our membership vows to seek out a meeting with an elder should we feel estranged.  The meeting was scheduled, then a few days before the meeting, it was canceled because the pastor didn’t have time to prepare.  What preparation needed to be done in order to listen to sheep’s concerns?  Shouldn’t you come to the table with no expectations or plans but to listen?  Lastly, we had another family crisis in which our world was turned upside down, and instead of receiving shepherding care, we got the hammer.  Again, those feelings of “I’m worthless.  I have no value” came to the surface.  This time with extra loudness and impact because now my family is involved and impacted.  My thoughts turn to, “Since I have no value, neither do my children or my family.”  It’s an agonizing feeling and such a loud voice that is difficult to silence. 

I know these thoughts and feelings are not true and not from God.  I know that God’s Word tells me otherwise.  It’s just getting harder and harder to stop hearing these lies because they are being reinforced over and over again by our shepherds.  Now that we are without a shepherd again, I feel the terror settling, but every time I think about finding a new church home and becoming members somewhere else, the terror rises up inside of me.  How can I ever trust another group of elders to shepherd me?  If I had my way, I’d never become a member of a church again!  How does one recover from Church Abuse or Church Hurt? 

I’m working with a counselor to work through the emotional damage.  I’d love to be able to trust again.  I have read a book on Church Abuse.  I am finding podcasts and blog posts about others who have faced church abuse and hurt.  Sadly, I’m not finding a lot of encouraging or positive stories or outcomes.  I’m realizing that the hurt is prevalent, and that’s heartbreaking!  It’s not something that is often brought to light, but it should be.  We need positive stories and outcomes of how God has redeemed bad things.  When the undershepherds were prophesied against in Ezekiel 34 because they failed to be the shepherds they were called to be, God was the shepherd for the scattered sheep.  I am finding hope in that! 

If you can relate to the feelings of church abuse or church hurt and want to talk, I’m happy to lend a listening ear.  I don’t have answers for you, but I hope to someday.  I hope to eventually have a positive story to share with others in my shoes.  If you have found redemption from your church and have encouraging words to share with me, I’m all ears!  Perhaps we just need to walk this painful journey together, striving to sort out the truths of God’s Word and Satan’s lies.

If you have elders who truly shepherd as they are commanded, don’t take them for granted!  Send them a note of thanks or speak to them in person.  They need to be encouraged for being faithful in the midst of so many unfaithful shepherds.  God will reward them for caring for the hearts of His people.  They are wonderful examples for other elders to see how shepherding can be done well in our broken world.

Forsaking your faith or forsaking church all together is not the answer.  That’s Satan’s desire!  We need to keep the faith and keep obeying God’s command to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  However, I think we need to be cautious in committing to the shepherding of elders too quickly before truly understanding what their shepherding looks like.  We need to pray and ask God to give us a discerning heart before jumping into another sheepfold.  We also need to remember that we are still a sheep in need of a home. God be gracious to us in our time of need!