I struggle with self-doubt and helplessness. I am constantly second-guessing my decisions in parenting, my medical judgment, my ability to be a good wife, and my call in life. As if parenting isn't hard enough for any given person, the complications of a special needs child, not to mention two, really make things difficult and messy at times. We have been blessed to work with some great therapists who have been able to guide us in our parenting and choices, particularly in dealing with Josh and understanding what behaviors are simply sin issues, what are a result of his Autism or other mental health diagnoses, when to give consequences, when to take advantage of a teaching moment, when to comfort, when to be firm, etc. With David, we have had to make many hard decisions, particularly with what surgeries to have him undergo, what immune-enhancing methods to try, and the biggest - having weekly antibody transfusions in which the antibodies I put into his subcutaneous tissue through a pump come from 70+ donors in which he could react to any of the 70 different blood types going into his system. Then, there's knowing how to address the trauma David has suffered witnessing and experiencing some horrible violence that no child should see or experience when his brother goes into a violent rage. For both boys, we have had to make tough decisions about medicines, such as David having to be on antibiotics prophylactically for 6 years, or the harsh psych drugs with significant side effects to help make life easier and more balanced for Josh. These decisions are weighty enough to make me doubt myself. Add onto those, the negative feedback and judgments of others around me!
I feel utterly helpless when I watch my boys suffer. I feel helpless watching David succumb to yet another bacterial infection, wondering if he is going to live through it and not being able to take the pain and suffering from him. I feel helpless watching Josh swing from the extreme moods of bipolar and feel even worse when Josh is aware of the swings and is able to voice how out of control he feels of his own body. When he cries to God with tears running down his face asking God why he has to be this way, I feel my heart being squeezed to the point of bursting. I have the power of prayer, but I often forget that it is a power I have, but knowing that God can choose to answer my prayer "yes" or "no" also renders me helpless as I realize that God holds my boys in His hands. Being helpless in that sense is a good thing because there is no better place for my boys to be, but yet the human side of me wants to do something tangible to ease their pain, suffering, and misery.
I struggle with worrying about what other people think of me. This struggle has been a difficult one to overcome. I have made significant progress but still have a long way to go in conquering this struggle.
When Josh was younger, he was incapable of using coping skills to help him get through a change of plans, something unexpected, or sensory overload. As a result, he had countless meltdowns daily. One of the hardest things to deal with were his fits in grocery stores when he was in full sensory overload. People would look at me in judgmental ways or actually say things to me or about me in my hearing about how I had no control over my child, I had spoiled my child rotten, I needed to teach my child self-control, or I needed to give my child a good spanking. These looks and comments pierced my soul. It didn't take long for me to stop taking Josh to the grocery store as a result. I still to this day avoid having to bring him into a store if at all possible.
It's been even more painful to suffer people's judgments and comments when it comes from family or church family. I'm sure everyone means well, but they speak out of ignorance if they have never raised a child with Autism. Seeing people get frustrated with Josh's behaviors or having people only come to us to complain about Josh's behaviors and never hearing positive things about him can be extremely draining, infuriating, and humiliating. Even though I know that I am doing all that I can for my son following the best recommendations for addressing negative and positive behaviors and using the wisdom from God that I pray for daily, I can't help but let those comments get to me. They used to eat away at me. Thankfully, our family has come to a much greater understanding and our church family is starting to come around. I am also getting better about just bringing these frustrations to the Lord and leaving them in His hands rather than internalizing them.
I hate it when I feel embarrassed by my son. It is so selfish of me to be worrying about what others around me are thinking rather than doing all that I can to help my son through his meltdown. I am working hard and improving in this area as well, but that selfishness still tries to make an appearance each time I deal with a meltdown in public.
I am blessed to see answered prayers in abundance as well as be on the receiving end of the prayers of God's saints. Because our boys have special needs, we have a lot to pray about. We have a wonderful network of friends and family who pray faithfully for us and who can be called upon to pray for an urgent need. There is nothing more comforting than knowing saints from all around the world are lifting our family in prayer.
Prayer is powerful, and we have seen some amazing ways in which God has answered our prayers and the prayers prayed on our behalf. Whether it be having a full night's sleep, a good behavior day, a good report from the doctor, a hospitalization avoided, a medicine that worked, the success of a new therapy, a meal provided by a friend, help with housework, help with childcare, an infection cleared, a successful surgery, etc., God has answered prayer!
We have also seen God move the hearts of friends to pray for us when they have no idea how to specifically pray. In the past six months, we have had this happen twice. God has even used someone in another part of the world to do this. Because of their burden to pray, these friends emailed us to check see how things were going only to find out we were in the midst of a major struggle and that they were unknowingly praying us through it because they were following God's leading. We are truly blessed to have access to God through prayer, to be prayed for, and to witness God's answers in the lives of our family.
I struggle with selfish thoughts. This is a hard one to admit to, but I hope that by exposing my sinful heart, I will have renewed determination to continue to work on this struggle. I have a crazy and hectic life. My days are filled with phone calls and emails from doctors, therapists, and schools; juggling doctor and therapy appointments; and trying to prevent meltdowns. That is on top of the normal responsibilities I have in keeping up with housework, laundry, cooking meals, grocery shopping, helping the boys with school work and music lessons, being a wife, working part time...My life is exhausting! Sometimes, I just want to have a "boring life" and get frustrated that I can't have it. I question why life has to be so difficult and become discontent with the life God has chosen for me. Far too often, I find myself begrudgingly processing a negative behavior with Josh or talking him down off the cliff or from a rage. I often roll my eyes or wish I didn't have to oblige Josh in scratching his back to help him get the sensory input he needs in order to slow his engine down, especially when I am so tired from a long day. I get frustrated that I have to plan out our weekends to ensure I have time to do David's transfusions. I hate that we can't be spontaneous since Josh needs to know ahead of time what to expect. At times, I get bitter that I never get to do something that I want to do or do something for me because I'm too busy doing things for everyone else. It is so easy to fall into the pattern of feeling sorry for myself, so it's a daily battle to keep my eyes off myself and my circumstances and look to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2).
I am blessed with growing faith and sanctification. My life as a special needs parent has been full of very hard and difficult trials. My faith has been stretched and strengthened in ways that still amaze me in looking back at how far I have come. I am thankful for the fires that have helped me come forth as gold (Job 23:10). I wouldn't be who I am today without these countless trials. Even though I wouldn't have chosen to have them, I am grateful that I did. My relationship with God is so much closer and stronger because of the countless times I have been brought to my knees, utterly helpless and having to depend completely on God to carry me through.
God has used the good and bad times to grow in my sanctification. I can't begin to count the times that God has revealed a sin or struggle in my own life through my addressing behavior issues with Josh or David. Also, God has had to force me to rely on Him instead of myself by giving me trials that are impossible for me to overcome without Him. This has been a hard thing to deal with because I am independent, strong, a fighter, and I don't give up. I like to have control, but God has had to show me that even when I think I am in control, I'm really not because He is. I am finding it easier to rest in Him and turn to Him for strength for each day. Each day, through the good and bad, God is making me more like Christ. He is chipping away at the old man and revealing the new. I am grateful for the way God continues to do good work in my life, but I do long for completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6).