Thursday, May 5, 2011

Complete Submission

Exhaustion, confusion, struggle, doubt, fear, pain, heartache, frustration...all sum up our time since returning from Bulgaria and trying to recover from jet lag.  We haven't even been back a week, and so much has happened that being in Bulgaria seems like a thing of the distant past.  All we can say is that our adversary, the Devil is seriously coming down hard on us attacking our faith and trust in God in a relentless manner.  It all came to a head for me two days ago, and although my faith was greatly shaken, it was not lost.  Through the Godly counsel and wisdom of a friend yesterday, the faint light I saw in my dark world became a beacon that strengthened my resolve to put myself at the feet of Jesus in complete submission to His will for my life.

For the first time in my life, I have come to the realization that my circumstances are completely beyond my own control.  I have no clue how things are going to work out or what my future is going to look like, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about but surrender my will and heart's desires to my omnipotent, sovereign Lord.  However, this is so much easier said than done.  I am getting a glimpse of how Joshua feels in his Asperger's mind when he realizes when a situation is happening and there's nothing he can do to control it.  It's frightening, anxiety provoking, and very unsettling.  I am so thankful that I don't have to deal with these feelings alone but can cast my cares and anxieties on the Lord, for He will answer my prayers and sustain me (Psalm 55:22; Philippians 4:6,7; I Peter 5:7). The struggle is far from over, but by God's grace and strength, I will endure, and I will be victorious.  There's nothing better than being in the very capable arms of God and being at His mercy for direction in my life.  Along with turning to the Bible and prayer for my spiritual battles, I find it helpful for me to write my feelings and the things that I am learning down in the form of poetry.  Just like many of the great Psalms we have were written during David's times of struggles and challenges of faith, most of my poems are an outpouring of my heart's cries to the Lord or the quiet peace and assurance God fills within my spirit.  In my pleas to God yesterday, I wrote this prayer to God:

The Cry of My Heart
By: Christine Russell

O Lord, I cry out to you today
Because my heart is bleeding and my broken spirit is weak--
Life's circumstances have crumbled around me and look bleak.
Through my human eyes, my situation looks dark and drear,
Yet deep within my soul, I find comfort that You are near.
My faith is faltering -- Help my unbelief, I pray.

O Lord, I am floundering to know Your will.
I know in my heart my own plans of what I want to do,
But I know following Your plan will carry me through
The struggles and fears, the bitterness and strife,
The pain and sorrows of this fallen world and life.
My plans I lay at your alter -- Your will I must fulfill.

O Lord, I ask for Your abundant mercy and grace,
The strength to mount up on wings as eagles is what I need.
Help me to acknowledge You in all my ways and straighten my paths I plead.
You alone are the maker and keeper of my soul.
It's in Your peace that I rest even when billows roll.
My body is frail -- Give me the strength to finish this race.

(c) 2011. Christine Russell.

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