2017 - The Year We NEVER Want to Repeat

As we come to the end of 2017, we are more than eager to shake off the dust from the year and move forward.  2017 was the worst year of our lives and one that we truly NEVER want to repeat.  Our year end updates are usually positive with lots of wonderful things to report, which is the norm for most people's yearly updates.  Who wants to report the bad stuff?  It's always better to report the good.  Just as in social media, we fall into the trap of trying to always report the good times and often put forth an embellished representation of ourselves or our lives.  As I started thinking about our year end report and how to make our nightmare of a year look happy and good, I decided to make it real and share with you the good, the bad, and the ugly.  As horrid as the year was, God remained faithful and good, so we find joy and encouragement in that.

The beginning of 2017 found us earnestly praying for God's leading and direction to take our whole family on a family missions trip for the first time.  It was a huge step of faith for us as it was a huge financial undertaking. There were concerns about the safety there with some unrest that had been going on. Then there were lots of concerns with Josh and his Autism and whether or not he would be able to handle the unknowns of new places, smells, language, routines, foods, and people not to mention the eleven hour flight one way when he had never flown before.  On top of that, puberty hit hard for Josh starting this Spring causing mood destabilization with his Bipolar.

The brightest and happiest part of our year was the time our family was able to spend together serving God in our favorite country in the Middle Eastern area.  We were amazed by the generosity of family and friends and our church who financially and prayerfully supported our family on this trip making it possible for us to go and helped confirm God's will for us to go on this trip.  The fellowship we had with our brothers and sisters in the Lord over there was so wonderful and encouraging to all.  It was so wonderful to introduce our boys to them and see our love for these dear friends be shared by our boys.  When things got difficult the rest of the year, I often found myself going back to the memories made during this trip and praising God for such a wonderful opportunity and for light in the midst of so many sorrows.

Upon our return from that trip in May, things quickly fell apart.  I returned to work only to severely injure my back lifting a patient which led to intense physical therapy and monthly visits with an orthopedic doctor as I worked to strengthen the area around the herniated, bulging, and torn L4-L5 disc. By the end of the month, we had to hospitalize Josh to help get his mood stabilized.

Things continued to be intense with Josh even after he returned home, and by July, we had to re-hospitalize him.  From that point on, his treatment team started encouraging us to consider residential treatment.  Our home health aide services for Josh fell apart forcing us to have to take turns leaving work early to care for Josh after school. No matter how hard we tried to avoid residential, that's where God led us.  Thankfully, He used a few moms and one dad to really encourage us in the decision and give us hope.  The process of getting Josh into a residential program was very difficult and took over a month to complete.  Upon admission at the beginning of November, things fell apart with the facility backing out on their word to allow Josh to use his natural supplements and essential oils which help to keep him as stable as possible.  We had to make the decision to leave Josh there for his safety even if it meant allowing his mood stability to possibly worsen without those natural supports.  We then began looking for a new facility for Josh who would allow for the use of his natural supports to keep his continuity of care that has been supported by his four treating doctors.

In the middle of November, I ended up in the ER with severe abdominal pain and found out I needed to have a large polyp removed from my uterus as soon as possible.  Surgery was scheduled for the next week on Wednesday, November 23.  It was a simple outpatient surgery, and I was discharged that afternoon and given permission by the surgeon to travel to my parents' house that evening for Thanksgiving.

By that evening, I started to feel very strange but couldn't figure out what was wrong.  That led to a very scary next 24+ hours for my family as I was unresponsive following a grand mal seizure.  For more details on that whole event, read my blog post about the ordeal.  After a two day stay in the ICU and three days total in the hospital, I was released in time for us to return home from our Thanksgiving trip to my parents' house.

Upon arrival home, many appointments with specialists were made and more tests were done to check into the state of my health.  In less than a week after our arrival home, Josh was able to be transferred to a new residential treatment facility where he was able to resume the use of his natural supplements and essential oils.

Also in December, I suddenly got taken out of physical therapy and discharged by my orthopedic and listed as "permanently disabled" with lifting/weight restrictions and permanent light duty classification due to my back injury in May.  After consulting with a lawyer, I am working on getting an appointment with a physiatrist to be able to resume physical therapy and work my way up to a higher lifting weight ability which will continue to be covered by workman's comp.

Just this past week, I was cleared by the cardiologist regarding the heart complications I was experiencing since my hospitalization in November.  There was concern about permanent damage to my heart from my dangerously low sodium levels that caused the near-death experience in the first place.  However, the symptoms were not from the damage but instead a complication from the de-conditioning from being so sick in the ICU and the Neurocardiogenic Syncope I have had since college that had been under control until my hospitalization.  The cardiologist believes I will make a full recovery and that it will just take time for me to return to "normal."  My blood tests this past week also showed that everything has returned to normal limits, which occurred much faster than expected, and we are grateful.  The only outstanding concern is related to a new brain lesion found when a CT Scan was done while I was unresponsive.  I have followed up with my neurologist about it who wants more MRIs done, but we are not in a hurry to follow up on those tests for now.

Meanwhile, during these crazy months, there's Tim and David, who are just trying to survive and cope with all of the drama.  Tim has has his own various battles to fight including trying to keep up with his work at the office especially when needing to miss work due to Josh's or my needs.  Despite a difficult and interrupted work schedule, he had his best year yet in growing his business.  We are grateful for God's goodness in that!  Tim has also had to juggle for this past month his own daily responsibilities while picking up many of my own responsibilities since I have been too weak to do much and have spent a lot of my time resting on the couch or in bed.  We have been grateful for our church family and other friends who have helped us greatly in providing meals during this difficult time.

We have thanked the Lord so many times for David this year.  His early years struggling with failure to thrive, his immune disorder, and subsequent illnesses and antibody transfusions have helped make him the resilient eleven year old kid that he is today not to mention the hardships of being a brother to someone with Autism and other mental health struggles.  David took each thing in stride with very little complaints, yet we know how much he is struggling inside and how he fights to bottle it up.  Seeing him struggle with depression and anxiety symptoms was difficult, and we increased our efforts to help him work through his struggles.  On top of that, he began middle school this year as a sixth grader and experienced insane amounts of school work that even overwhelmed me as his mother.  He has had to struggle through a hard school year this Fall while dealing with so much drama in his household, and he remains resilient!  We see evidence of his faith growing.  Struggles aside, we have also seen David continue to blossom in his Taekwondo abilities, and David moved up into a full sized violin.  Being faithful to our promise, we purchased him his very own full sized violin, and we all enjoy listening to him play.  David had the privilege of playing very last minute (less than a week before the concert) in his school band in the Spring and also performed a violin solo during the concert.  In December, he had the privilege of playing his violin in the Concert Band (made up of 8th-12th grade instrumentalists from his school and another local Christian school) even though he is not in Band at school.  He was given a little more notice this time but still had one month less to prepare than the rest of the students and didn't have the twice weekly rehearsals like they had.  We love seeing David shine and use his abilities from God to bless others.

Josh is now thirteen years old, and he is doing well at the new residential treatment facility and has been there now for almost one month.  We are seeing signs of God at work in his heart and his life.  He is thriving in the highly structured environment that the facility provides and is enjoying being able to be back at his special school he had to leave when he got transferred to the first residential treatment center.  We pray that this time away will be a growing experience for him and will help him to be more stable and able to function at home and in the community to help him thrive.  He remains an animal-lover, and his cat and guinea pigs continue to be one of his greatest loves.  We look forward to when we can have him living at home with us again hopefully sometime in 2018.

My back injury has made me rethink my line of work and my future as a nurse.  I have began to look once again at options for becoming a midwife and have increased the number of clients I have as a doula.  I don't know what God has for me, but I am seeking His will and walking through the open doors He provides.  I am also trying to figure out how to increase my business of wellness coaching and essential oil education to be able to better serve my clients and grow my client base to help people live more natural and healthy lives.

Tim will be taking on more responsibilities at his office this coming year as his dad starts to turn over parts of the company to Tim.  He is excited about the increased responsibilities and the challenges to grow himself and his company that they present.

As I close, I don't want to leave you thinking that 2017 was all doom and gloom for the Russell family.  As difficult and trying as it was, God has wondrously carried us through.  He never failed us.  While we don't understand what He is trying to accomplish in the many things He has ordained for us to go through, we know that He is working all of these things out for our good and His glory.  His sovereignty over our lives is a comfort to us, and the circumstances has helped us to grow our faith and dependence on Him.  I leave with you Scriptures about God's sovereignty over our lives.  May they be a comfort to you as they have been to us, and may you see God's good work in your life as you enter 2018.

1 Chronicles 29:11-12 (NIV)  "Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all."

Job 42:2 (NIV)  "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

Psalm 135:6 (NIV) "The Lord does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths."

Psalm 18:30 (ESV) "This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him."

We enjoyed the time we were able to have as a whole family this Christmas Eve when Josh was allowed to come with us to celebrate Christmas with the Russell side of the family for a few hours.  

Learning to Let it ALL Go

In approaching almost the 13th year of being a mother of a special needs child, you would think I would be done giving up all control of my son to my capable and loving Savior and that I was done giving up all of the circumstances around his needs to the Author and finisher of my faith.  Apparently, there are ways I haven't given up that control, and God is digging deeper to reveal the areas of my son's life and my own desires that I am still clinging desperately onto instead of entrusting them to my son's and my Maker.

I learned to give up my goals and dreams of serving God as a missionary full time on a foreign field and embrace the full time mission field ministering to my children and other special needs parents.  I learned to give up the anticipation of my son hitting his normal childhood milestones and instead celebrate the small things like not having a melt down in a community outing or appropriate use of coping skills when upset about a non-preferred directive.  I learned to accept that I can't enjoy the pre-teen years when your child becomes more independent while not needing constant supervision but that I can love on my son in more tangible ways and still have him be okay with mom rather than be embarrassed by her.  I learned to accept that I can't relax and spend more time doing various hobbies like my friends but enjoy the satisfaction that I am doing all that I can to make my son's life just a little bit easier.  I learned to give up the dream of seeing my son participate in team events and celebrate the successes of having a positive social interaction that only required a small amount of adult intervention.  I learned to accept his Autism diagnosis and all of the other diagnoses that have been added throughout the years and embrace the unique and perfect way in which God made my son.  I accepted all of this and gave it all to God along the way.  That's enough, isn't it?

Sadly, over the last 2 months of many set backs and discouraging battles, as the few rays of hope have started to diminish, God had to uncover yet another thing I needed to give up: my son's future: his spiritual walk, the outcome of his teen years and progression into adulthood, his happiness, his struggles.

The last 3 years, I have worked relentlessly to make my son's future and development as successful as possible.  I've stayed current with all of the latest research, behavioral interventions, and natural solutions to give him the best future possible.  We have made so much progress and paved the way for the best outcome possible.  I even got to the point that I once again had a glimmer of hope that he could even get married some day.

Then, it all came crashing down!  Puberty raised its evil head wrecking havoc on his body and causing many hardships and setbacks just as the doctors had predicted.  We coasted through the beginning thinking we were going to skip our way past the foreboding warnings of the doctors.  It looks like we won't be so lucky after all.

As we moved into the reality of what the next several years would look like, I began worrying about his future.  I don't want him to become another statistic of a bipolar youth who kills another person or himself in an angry, illogical rage.  I don't want him to get in trouble with the law and end up in a juvenile detention center.  I don't want him to reject and curse God and flee from the ways in which we brought him up.  I want to make his teen years as easy as possible.  I want him to be able to successfully enter the work force and make something of himself. I WANT...

As my son struggles to maintain control of all circumstances in his life even if it means fighting his way into more and more consequences and lost opportunities, I am struggling to give up the control of my son's future.  As he was formed in my womb, God had his days numbered and his course set.  I can't control how God gets a hold of his hurting and fragile heart.  I can't control whether his teen years are easy or frighteningly difficult.  I have no control because I am not God.  This has become a frightening reality to me the last couple of weeks.  It is so hard to give up control.  To sit back and let God be God and do as He sees fit in my son's life and heart.  It's not that I don't trust God and His sovereignty.  It's the fear of HOW God will accomplish His purposes.  My son has already had so many hurdles to cross, and I don't want to see him struggle anymore.  God doesn't promise that life will be easy but that He will work all things for good.  That has to be enough.

Once again, I find myself learning and battling to let go.  Just as I have let go of the other things, I have to do that with my son's future.  It's just a whole lot harder than I had expected.  Abraham had to give up all control of his son Isaac's life and be willing to sacrifice him in obedience to God.  Hannah gave up control of her son Samuel's life to give him to the ministry in the temple. Mary had to give up all control of her son Jesus' life and let him to his Heavenly Father's work even if it meant going to the cross.   It's time I learn to follow in their footsteps and give up all control of my son's life and his future.  It won't be easy, but it is necessary.  Once I do, the rays of light will break through again because the only place for my son to be is in the good hands of the Shepherd of my son's heart.  If I can do that, it won't be all doom and gloom, right?

The Day We Never Thought We'd See

God continues to do amazing things in our family.  He continues to bring healing in areas we never thought possible!  We are forever grateful for His amazing handiwork in our lives and for the incredible answers to prayer we continue to see that are above and beyond all we could ask or think.

Three weeks ago on August 29, 2016, we saw the day that we never thought we would see.  I still feel as if I am living in a dream and that soon, I am going to wake up and discover it was just a dream!

As you know, Joshua, our oldest son who just turned 12 this past Sunday, has Autism along with Bipolar, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.  The gloomy future predicted by the many doctors and specialists Josh has seen throughout the years was daunting and frightening.  They had warned us about the scary years of puberty where Josh would be in and out of the psychiatric hospital and needing constant medication adjustments due to the raging hormones.  We were told we would see a reprieve once Josh reached his 20's, and his hormones stabilized.  Being under the care of a psychiatrist would be a lifelong necessity as medications would always need to be monitored and tweaked as time went on.

As I wrote in my annual Autism Awareness blog post in April, things have drastically changed for Josh due to our journey in natural solutions over the past now 2.5 years.  In addition, the healing diet we as a family have been doing since the Spring with the intent to help Josh has also been instrumental.  Beneath the surface of these solutions, God was orchestrating all of the events - giving me the drive to fight for my son, leading me to the right people and the right information, giving us the means to put the natural solutions to the test and finding success with them, etc.  This was God's capable hands at work in an incredible way in Josh's life as well as in our family's lives.

Before making the wellness journey into the wonderful world of natural solutions, Josh was taking 10 pills a day (7 different drugs) to manage all of his medical and psychiatric needs.  With the help of natural solutions, Josh experienced increased remarkable medical and psychiatric stability which led to a 2+ year journey of weaning off of medications.  It has been an exciting journey watching him transform before our eyes as drugs left his system revealing wonderful personality traits we didn't know existed.  On June 8, 2016, Josh took his last dose of Risperdal, a drug crucial for managing his moods of bipolar and the last drug of which he weaned.  We were told by several doctors that he would never be able to go without a mood stabilizer.  In the midst of puberty and raging hormones, at the time predicted to be the worst time of Josh's life and craziest emotional roller coaster ride, he stopped taking his most crucial drug and since has been THRIVING and has been more stable than he ever has been since developing Bipolar!  How is that for a miracle?  We are still praising God for that incredible answer to prayer!

Josh saw his psychiatrist for a follow-up to being off of Risperdal on August 29, 2016.  She was amazed at how well he was doing and thrilled for his success.  She looked at him and said, "Well, Josh, you don't have to come back and see me again."  I almost fell out of my seat, and Josh was just as shocked as he said, "What did you just say?" She repeated herself, and Josh clarified, "You mean for a long time?"  She answered, "No, never unless you need me again sometime later down the road.  You are doing so well that you don't need my services anymore.  There is nothing that I can do for you that you aren't already doing for yourself."  I thought I was going to need to be pulled down from the ceiling because I was flying so high.  I never dreamed I would see the day when Josh would not need to see a psychiatrist regularly.  She and the psychologist have also been mentioning dropping some of Josh's diagnoses because of the lack of symptoms.  More time still needs to transpire before the diagnoses can officially be dropped, but we are getting close.  It's been over a year since Josh experienced a cycle with his bipolar.  His anxiety completely disappeared after he weaned off of his anxiety drug in December 2015.  His Autism has become so highly functional that if he were to be diagnosed today, according to his psychiatrist, he would not qualify for an Autism diagnosis but would instead receive a social delay disorder diagnosis.

My heart continues to soar as I see my son happy, thriving, and better than I had ever dreamed.  We have lived to see the day we never thought we'd see, and it only keeps getting better.  Josh moved into the Middle School in August as a big 7th grader.  Knowing the changes of middle school from elementary school and given the fact that he would have a whole new team of teachers and support staff, I was really anxious about his transition.  This kid continues to amaze me and transitioned so well, you wouldn't have thought it was a new experience or a new team.

God is the Great Physician, and we have certainly experienced His healing hands in Josh's life.  We are forever grateful for His great mercy and grace to Josh and our family, and we eagerly look forward to the future plans God has in store for our precious son.

The Ability to Worship

When you have a child with a disability, it is so important, as his mother, that you reflect on his abilities instead of letting his disabilities cloud your view of the child God perfectly formed in your womb.

If you forget to notice the abilities, there aren't many people in the community who will help you to see them.  We live in an insensitive world where most people are quick to ask rude and uncaring questions or make inappropriate and ignorant statements.

When things are really tough, it gets harder to see the abilities because you feel as if you are drowning in your child's disabilities when they are screaming in your face.

Because of his Autism, Josh may not understand another person's perspective, he might get sensory overload from a few minutes in the community, and his motor skills may be a bit awkward, but he has a candid honesty about him and the ability to put himself out there not caring what other people will think.  He also has perfect pitch and loves music.  He loves God and has a personal relationship with him, and although at times when his Autism or Bi-polar overwhelms him making him doubt God's goodness, he always sees the truth that God really does care and gives him the grace to keep on keeping on.

These abilities give Josh one of the most important abilities - the ability to WORSHIP!  After all, God created us to worship!  The depth of some of Josh's prayers to God, his frank honesty about his struggles and doubts, and his pleas for God's help often catch me off guard and surprise me and challenge me in my own prayer life.

I also love the way that Josh loves to sing praises to God.  He takes making a joyful noise unto the Lord to heart and sings with all of his might - sometimes to our embarrassment (shame on us!) over the flat or sharp notes he sings as he tries to get his voice to sing the harmony note he hears in his head.  He sings with passion, fervor, and gusto to the glory of God.  I think we all could learn a thing or two from his example.

This Sunday, Josh had the opportunity to sing for special music at church.  It was a chance for him to let his ability shine and use it for God's glory.  The song he sang is taken from Proverbs 3:5-6, a passage we often turn to during the struggles with his disabilities.  It's a passage that everyone needs to remember, because if we don't trust God, life will be pretty miserable!  

I am thankful for the way that God can use a child with many disabilities to speak His truths to the hearts of His people and use Josh's abilities for His honor and glory!  In my opinion, there is no greater ability than the ability to worship!