Church Abuse and Church Hurt: Part 2

 If you haven't already read Part 1 from 4/2/25, please take the time to read Part 1 here. This will help give more context to my continued story.

It's been over a year of wrestling and working hard in my journey of recovery from church abuse and church hurt.  I'm glad to have made significant progress, but I am also frustrated that trauma is often cyclical just like grief is cyclical, and when you think you are finally on the other side, something comes up that triggers you all over again.  It's such a hard journey of learning to trust God, learning to trust and open your heart up to others again, and learning to let go of past hurts.

Since May 2025, we have been regularly attending All Saints Church, feeling that of all of the reformed churches in the area, our family could grow and be nourished and feel like we have a place to belong. It took us nearly a year of visiting a few different churches to come to that conclusion. However, we have taken our time to become members, because the fear of being hurt again and the difficulty of learning to trust church leadership again is a tough hurdle.  We also want to make sure we give ourselves plenty of time to pray and discern how well the leadership shepherd as God's Word calls them to shepherd.  Elders have a high calling and a huge task required of them.  Sadly, so many miss the mark, so we just want more time to quietly observe and ask questions before making a final decision in moving forward with membership.

As one of the first steps toward membership, Tim decided it would be wise to meet with the pastors of the church to ask questions about membership and the church and the role and practice of elders in the church.  He also took the time to share our family's story of church hurt and the resulting trauma to each of us, explaining why we aren't in a hurry to become members.  He did it as a test case to see how they would respond to our situation.  

To give a summary, a couple of years ago, we had a really traumatic event shake us to the core.  We went to the church leadership for prayer and help working through the trauma, erroneously thinking the church was the place to go for help and encouragement.  We thought they would walk with us through the unknowns of our valley, encouraging us with Scripture and praying with us, bearing our burdens with us and encouraging us when we felt we couldn't go on.  That should be what shepherding looks like, shouldn't it?  It's what I envision when I read I Peter 5 and other passages listing the duties of elders.  That's what I see in Jesus' example during His earthly ministry. Instead, we were made to feel like we were too much trouble for what we were worth.  We were welcome in the church as long as we didn't have trouble.  Once we had trouble, we were no longer welcome.  We were too much of a burden.  We needed to leave because we weren't welcome anymore as a family.  They violated their confidentiality policy, they emotionally abused one of our children, they encouraged the congregation to not ostracize us all while leaders were guilty of doing that exact thing.  It took me a year to lament, pray, and strive to forgive when no one even asked for forgiveness.  At the end of my year long journey to forgive and as an exercise from a book on forgiveness I was reading, I wrote a letter to the elders sharing my heart with them, sharing my disappointment in how vastly different their actions were compared to the various passages of Scripture that model elder behavior, and finally telling them specifically what I forgive them for.  It was helpful to get that off of my chest and to name the hurts that I forgive.  In my forgiveness journey, I read several helpful books on forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not forgetting.  It's also not condoning or excusing their behavior.  Forgiveness is simply choosing to not be angry with or resenting or taking vengeance on someone for the harm they have caused.  In a spiritual sense, it's not personally holding them accountable for the hurts they caused, but entrusting the situation to God to hold them accountable, bring justice, and resolve the situation or help us move on, if resolution isn't possible.  That letter was very freeing for me as I let go of the resentment onto which I was holding.

Since then, I have been able to move on in many ways.  Because the trauma is still there, there have been times when something triggers me and brings up all of those feelings once again, but those triggers are getting less frequent and often are easier to deal with than they had been even a year ago.  In part though, I wasn't prepared for or expecting the grief that my letter would cause me when my letter seemingly fell on deaf ears.  We requested that the letter be shared with all of the elders since it was written to the elders as a whole.  It wasn't as if I was expecting the elders to come and ask for forgiveness, although, that would have been the Biblical thing to do, even if they didn't believe they were wrong but at least to apologize for and acknowledge the hurt that was caused.  I guess I just would have thought that I'd at least get an acknowledgment that the letter was received and my heart understood even if it was just from one elder who had been involved in the situation.  Unfortunately, it was silence that ensued, and that just caused grief over how far the elders missed the mark in shepherding a small number of their sheep.  Interestingly enough, the new pastor of the church who wasn't involved in our situation at all acknowledged my letter by sending me a note and explaining that he was somewhat familiar with the details of our story but obviously hadn't been involved in any of the details or decisions regarding our family's situation since that was before his arrival.  The note was from him personally, not on behalf of the elders.  

I've attended a seminar on church abuse and church hurt.  It was helpful for me in working through my feelings and knowing I'm not alone in how I was feeling or what I was wrestling through.  One thing they talked about was how church leaders typically have a repetitive pattern to abuse/hurt because no one is bold enough to talk about their trauma and speak out against the leaders.  As a result, the sin patterns are repeated and more people continue to get hurt. I've wrestled with that fact and knowing how to best proceed with that.  Obviously, I don't want anyone else to suffer as we have suffered, and sadly, we aren't the only ones who have suffered in this way under those elders.  I know of other people and families who have had similar reactions from the elders with similar breaches of confidence and letter writing to the church members.  Some of these hurt people have left silently.  Others have been outspoken or have had people close to their situation be very vocal about it.  I think there is a balance between being silent and being aggressive and harsh and bordering on defamation.  I don't know what that balance looks like, but I do want people to know that there is a church that may look really good from an outsider's perspective or someone who has never needed help, but when looking closely at the leadership and the shepherding model, there are outstanding issues that shouldn't be overlooked, especially when there is a repetitive pattern and a neglect of shepherding the individual sheep (microshepherding).  

I don't know about you, but I want my shepherds to take time to pray and seek God's Word for wisdom in how to love and shepherd a hurting sheep before plowing ahead bulldozing the hurting ones instead of helping them.  I want them triaging the most critical ones before worrying about those who aren't sick.  I don't want them making rash decisions without getting all of the facts or trying understand the hurting heart.  I don't want them instantly thinking the worst before understanding where the hurting are actually at.  I don't want them worrying more about what people will think about them rather than worrying about a wounded soul.  I want elders who are humble enough to admit when they are wrong or who apologize when there is hurt.  I don't want elders who go and tell everyone what was shared with them in confidence.  They shouldn't be quick to overreact, but they should be quick to pray and seek God's Word.  They also should be willing to rule and make their own decisions as elders and not give non-elders the task of making a judgment and choice of how to shepherd.  Shepherds are the ones that God will hold accountable (Hebrews 13:17) in that final day when the great Shepherd appears, and those who do shepherd faithfully, will receive the unfading crown of glory (I Peter 5:4).  

So back to Tim's test case with the pastors of our current church we are attending:  How did they respond to our situation and story?  Did they immediately say we weren't welcome at their church?  Did they look at our family with disgust and tell us to find somewhere else to worship because our problems are too much? No! In fact, how they responded is exactly how we expected our previous shepherds to respond - with love and care and a desire to walk with us in our valley.  They encouraged Tim even more strongly to consider having our family become members so that they can minister to us on a deeper level as our shepherds.  There was something redemptive in that the meeting.  I was too fearful to be present for the meeting.  Tim walked away encouraged and refreshed.  He shared with me what was said in the meeting and how the pastors acted and what they said.  I was so grateful and rejoiced in the redemptive actions of these godly men.  I know that the Bible has a tall order for elders, but I know it's humanly possible, or God wouldn't call men to do it.  I'm grateful for a glimmer of hope that we may have found elders we can submit to in their shepherding care.  Now to continue to seek and observe and pray that God would lead us in His timing to take the final step of membership once again, and that if this is not His will, He will make it abundantly clear to us.  In the meantime, my prayer is that God would give me the strength to cast my anxieties about submitting to church leadership after all of the hurt and trauma on Him, because He cares for me.  After all, that's what Peter was getting at in I Peter 5:7 as he concluded his chapters on submitting to authority or the needs and cares of various groups/people and finally about submitting to the needs of each other, and entrusting God with the worries that submission may cause.  "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen" (I Peter 5:10-11).

2019: A Year of Many Changes

If we learned anything in 2019, it’s that God is still the God of miracles.  We entered 2019 feeling pretty hopeless about our situation with our oldest, and by Spring, things went from bad to worse giving us no hope of ever bringing him home again.  Out of desperation, we rallied together a group of prayer warriors, changed up the way we were praying for our oldest, and watched God do the miraculous taking us from the lowest of low—even leaving the doctor and therapists hopeless—to a complete turnaround when our son surprised us and his therapist five days later by stating that he has changed his mind and wants to come home.  The transformation was so radical, we were all skeptical that it was going to last, but praise be to God, it continued to the point that our son was finally able to come home for good December 18.  He has changed in so many ways not just in his desire to come home, but in his relationship with God, desire to be in church, and desire to serve. Only God could transform him and cause all of these remarkable changes in his life.   Bringing our son home was exciting and scary at the same time.  We had to make many changes to the way our household functions, but this was the answer to prayer we never thought we’d see. We know that his mental health status could change at any time, but we know that God will continue to meet all of his and our needs according to His good purpose and glory.

David, now 13 and in 8th grade, faced changes to his school and adjusted to having his closest friend no longer be at his school.  He also had to change Taekwondo facilities, but the change allowed him to be under a more skilled instructor with more rigorous instruction, and by this Spring, he will have earned his black belt!  He continues to love playing his violin and most recently (and unexpectedly) played his violin in an orchestra for a 9-movement choral piece performed by two schools (including his) and many alumni and other people in the community.  David has also passed me in height this year leaving me to be the shortest in our family.

Josh, now 15 and in 10th grade, has grown over 6” this year!  He excels in his tech shop at school.  He has matured in many ways this year.  He is starting to think about his future and what he wants to do in life.  He enjoys helping to lead worship in his Sunday School class and loved singing tenor in our church choir for the Christmas Eve service.  It’s wonderful to see him using his talents for God’s glory.

After battling a back injury as a nurse for two years, I was forced out of my employment at Bayada Pediatrics at the end of January as we made settlement with workman’s comp for my injury, which has left me with permanent restrictions for how much weight I can carry preventing me from working as a nurse.  As God closed the door on nursing, God opened the door for me to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a midwife.  I started the training in February and finished the necessary requirements in November.  I just need to submit my final paperwork and take a test to become a Certified Professional Midwife.  I will be continuing at the clinic where I trained for more experience while starting my own practice over the next few months.  It has been a blessing to finally be doing what I believe I was made to do and use this profession to minister to so many women.

Tim has experienced changes at work as he continues to take on more ownership and responsibility at The Life Financial Group.  He has been learning how to lead his office team effectively to help them better serve their clients.  He has had a wonderful year at the office and loves being able to help people wisely manage their money and invest for their future.

We also changed churches this Spring after praying for direction about being in a church where the spiritual needs of our whole family could be met and our family could enjoy community.  We are enjoying building relationships and being challenged in our walks with God.

As we begin 2020, we know there are a lot of unknowns about the future, but we know we have a miracle-working God who is directing our lives daily.  We have confidence that God will guide us each step of the way.  We are eager to see what God has in store for us in this coming year and this new decade. To God be the glory!

Philippians 1:6: “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Living in the Desert

This weekend, I have been attending a women's retreat where the theme has been "Christ, Our Living Water," and the discussion of the sessions has been centered around desert living in this life and how to allow Christ, our Living Water, to satisfy us and reshape us into His image.  Everything shared and discussed and sung has been just what I needed.

Throughout the retreat, I have been reminded that a desert is a place where more moisture is lost than what is brought in.  It's a place where you can be burned to death during the day and frozen to death by night.  As an analogy, it's a place where we are out of control and can't help ourselves, but it's a place where God is tangible.  Taking the example of God's presence with the people of Israel in the desert wilderness, God was their shade by day in the form of a cloud and their warmth by night in the form of fire.  He was their meat from the sky and bread from the ground.  He provided their water.

God was the Living Water for the Israelites shaping them into the people he wanted them to be. They fought against Him.  God was not the God they wanted but the God they needed.  Every time they grumbled about Him or their circumstances, He rose to the occasion and provided for their needs despite the fact that they didn't ask nicely.  In the wilderness, God gave them His covanental law in which His first command and the sign of the covenant was REST because "I am the LORD."  He made the Israelites rely on Him on a daily basis by providing Manna that would only sustain them for that day.  If they tried to worry about their tomorrow and take extra manna for the next day, it would be filled with maggots by the morning.  However, God allowed them to collect for the next day before their day of rest because God desired their rest.  God taught His people in the desert that God is enough.  What the Israelites lost sight of is that on the other side of their desert and hardship was freedom, and instead, they longed to return to their slavery.  I was struck by that thought and how often I try to fight against the desert place God has me in and long to go back to the day when I too was bound in slavery of self and sin.  I too forget that on the other side of my desert and hardship is freedom where my heavenly oasis awaits.

Just as the physical water God provided the Israelites in the desert wasn't enough to stop the Israelites from complaining or help them trust God, so too I need more than physical water to sustain me in my desert and keep me from wanting to go back.  Jesus' promise to me from John 7:37-38 is that if I am thirsty, I can come to Him to drink, and if I believe in Him, "streams of living water will flow from within [me]."  I want to gush with His living water.  Just as Jesus offered the woman at the well living water, He offers me the same.  This God-man at the well is the one who fought for Jacob and Israel and me because He loves me.

Two scientific principles of water is that water always wins, and water always makes a way.  Christ, my Living Water, makes a way in my life.  God's love is steadfast -- stubborn, unyielding.  He becomes the water I need.  My sin is stubborn, but not as stubborn as God's love.  His water will continue to flow into my life carving me and reshaping me until I am perfectly in His image when I finally see Him face to face.  John Piper said in a devotional that God "is the end of our quest for satisfaction."  God's Living Water is enough for me in my desert living.

Reflect on the truths of the Getty song "Living Waters" we used as our theme song, which so perfectly brings these lessons home:

Are you thirsty
Are you empty
Come and drink these living waters
Tired and broken
Peace unspoken
Rest beside these living waters
Christ is calling
Find refreshing
At the cross of living waters
Lay your life down
All the old gone
Rise up in these living waters  

Chorus:
There’s a river that flows
With mercy and love
Bringing joy to the city of our God
There our hope is secure
Do not fear anymore
Praise the Lord of living waters

Spirit moving
Mercy washing
Healing in these living waters
Lead your children
To the shore line
Life is in these living waters  

CHORUS
Are you thirsty
Are you empty
Come and drink these living waters
Love, forgiveness
Vast and boundless
Christ, He is our living waters 

CHORUS

— WORDS AND MUSIC BY KRISTYN GETTY AND ED CASH©2016 GETTY MUSIC PUBLISHING (BMI) / ALLETROP MUSIC (BMI) (ADMIN BY MUSICSERVIES.ORG)

Photo from Cover of Retreat Booklet from Brick Lane Community Church

Longing for Heaven

As our family circumstances continue to remain so hopeless from my human perspective and as the world around us seems to be in a frenzy over so many issues, I have found myself longing for heaven.  I find myself often sending a prayer to God begging that He come back today.  I hate pain, and I hate sorrow.  I hate struggle, and I hate hardship.  So much of my life seems just that, and I am ready for the hope of salvation and eternal life with my God and Savior.  I am ready for the day when God will wipe away every tear and there will be no more pain or sorrow.

As I studied I Peter in the Fall and II Peter the past three months, I have had much time reading about suffering and the hope of salvation and heaven (I Peter) and how to keep going until the coming day of the Lord (II Peter).  It has given me much time for reflection and has helped remind me that my suffering is not for naught.  God has me in a dry and weary land to grow me and make me more like Him.  He is burning off the dross in the refining fire (I Peter 1:7) until He can see His reflection in my life.  I don't have to go through the fire alone because He is always with me.  At times, I am aware that I am surviving because He is carrying me through the worst of it.  Yet, at times, I find myself longing for the times that God would lead me beside the still waters and cause me to lie down in green pastures.  The dessert is a dry and harsh place to be.  The storm beats down on all sides.  However, God remains sovereign, and my hope of salvation remains.  I just need to keep on trusting and striving to know "Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death" (Philippians 2:10).

Until God does return or call me home, I have to take each day as it comes looking to the hope of my salvation as I enter heaven.  Until then, day by day, I find strength to meet my trials here.

My favorite hymn is "Day by Day."  David and I got to play a musical rendition of it in church a few months back.  Reflect on the truths of these words below as you listen to the music:



Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.

Translator: A. L. Skoog; Author: Carolina Sandell (1865)

A Weary World Rejoices

Peace, Joy, Love, Good News, Hope—all are typical salutations and greetings that get tossed around as people wish one another Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays—words we so often take for granted yet don’t often take time to think about what they mean.

As another tough year comes to an end for our family, I have had to think very deeply about these words and seek to understand and see their meaning in our current circumstances.  For those who are currently or have recently experienced trials and hardships, these words may fall empty on them as well—perhaps it’s the death of a loved one or loss of a job, maybe it’s a rift in the family, or maybe it’s a serious health issue.  Can these words ring true even for these individuals?  After much reflection on that question along with what I learned from my women’s Bible study on I Peter I went to this Fall, I would emphatically say yes, those words can ring true if that individual is a believer.  Because I am a believer in Jesus Christ, they can ring true for me despite the deep, dark trials that seek to drown me.

PEACE – If you are in the midst of trials, how can you have peace?  We have the promise of Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”  Jesus gives us peace not as the world gives, but He gives peace so that we don’t have to have hearts that are troubled or afraid (John 14:27).  Philippians 4:5b-7 says: “…the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  In I Peter 3:11b-12a, Peter reminds us to “seek peace and pursue it.  The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears attend to their prayer.”  He goes on to tell us in 5:7 to “[cast—throw upon, give up to God] all your anxieties on [God], because he cares for us].”  Peter exhorts us throughout his first epistle to be humble in respect to God and all other relationships.  Here in chapter 5, he exhorts us to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God.  If we are humbling ourselves to God, we are giving Him complete control in our lives.  This has been a work in progress for me over this last year as I come to terms with not having control over the situations in my life and that of my family’s.  If I do humble myself and give complete control to God (which He already has whether I want Him to or not), then I can have peace.  I have no need to have anxiety or worry.  Peace is mine in the midst of my trials just as it was to the believers Peter was writing to who were aliens and strangers in a land where they were hiding from persecution.  Jesus came to this earth as a baby so that He can give and leave His peace with us (John 14:27).

JOY – The Bible commands us to REJOICE in suffering (Romans 5:3-4) and consider the various trials we face “pure joy” (James 1:2-4).  Our family is broken and hurting, our relationships are strained, we are filled with sadness and grief.  Why can I have joy in that?  I Peter tells me why:  God has called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light (I Peter 2:5); Christ died for my sins, the just for the unjust, to bring me to God (I Peter 3:18); and Jesus’ blood has removed the stain of my sin so I can stand before Him (I Peter 3:18).  So, I don’t need to be “surprised at the fiery ordeal” but can keep on rejoicing (I Peter 4:12-13).  After I “have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called [me] to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish” me (5:10).  No trial can rob me of the joy that comes through Christ who came to this world as a baby to bring Joy to this world.

LOVE – We know the betrayal of love on many levels, yet we are told to “keep fervent in [our] love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8).  God knew betrayed love.  We were created by Him in His image, yet we left our first love.  We rejected Him and chose sin.  Because of this betrayal, God had to send His only Son to Earth as a baby only to grow up and die for us so that we can be bought back (redeemed) and restored to our first love (justification).  This was love in action.  Jesus laid down His life so that we could live—love that took Him to the cross.  This love continues in the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in our lives as we are perfected so that one day, we will be glorified when we see God face to face.  I Peter is so rich in reminding us of the love that led to our justification, sanctification, and glorification.

GOOD NEWS – As news we have been receiving about our loved one becomes bleaker and more distressing, we find ourselves doubting that we will ever hear good news.  However, we have Good News in our life because of Christ.  We are “chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood,” which is why Peter can then say, “May grace and peace be yours to the fullest measure.” (I Peter 1:1-2).  Because God chose us, we are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession so that [we] may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called [us] out of darkness into His marvelous light” (I Peter 2:9), and we come to Christ as a “living stone…choice and precious in the sight of God” (I Peter 2:4).  The Good News of great joy that the angels came to share with the shepherds was that a Savior, Christ the Lord and God in flesh has been born.  Jesus has come to rescue His people!  As John Piper so eloquently reminded us in his devotional “Christmas Solidarity:”

Christmas is good news for man and good news for God.
"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners" (I Timothy 1:15).  That’s good news for us.
"The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil" (I John 3:8).  That is also good news for God.”

Jesus came to lead a revolt against Satan.  That revolt started at his birth, and that is GREAT NEWS for us! Mary and Joseph were told to call their Son “Jesus,” “for He will save His people from their sins” and “Immanuel,” which means “God with us” (Matthew 1:21, 23).  We don’t just have Good News, we have GREAT NEWS, and nothing can take that away from us!

HOPE – Life’s circumstances may leave you feeling utterly hopeless at times, but no matter how dark our day or deep our valley, we as believers always have hope.  This hope is the “joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation” (Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).  We are “born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for [us]” (I Peter 1:3b-4).  In this we “greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary [we] have been distressed by various trials so that the proof of [our] faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:6-7).  Therefore, we can “fix [our] hope [confident and joyful expectation] completely on the grace to be brought to [us] at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:13b).  Hope that the Jews had in the coming of a Messiah was fulfilled in the birth of the baby Jesus.  Our Hope for salvation began at that same baby’s birth, and we look forward to the day it will be fulfilled at His second coming!

Who knew I Peter could give insight into the blessings of Christmas?  I sure didn’t until I spent these last several months digging deep into the book allowing God to use it to remind me of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in Him that I have through Christ.  As you celebrate Christ’s birth this Christmas, I pray you are reminded of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope you have in Christ, and if you don’t yet have these, I pray that you find this great Savior for yourself so that you too can know and forever have His peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in your life!

Merry Christmas!  God be praised!

Celebrating a Birthday I Wasn't Predicted to Have

Today I celebrate another year of life.  What's significant about that?  I wasn't expected to be celebrating today.  In fact, based on the doctor's predictions they shared with my husband almost a year ago, I wasn't supposed to live, yet here I am now entering my 40th year of life.

Predictions don't determine God's plans, and God had my days numbered before I was formed in my mother's womb.  I will not die a day earlier than what was predetermined by Him in His sovereign will.

So, here I am celebrating the life I still have left to continue to serve God.  When I didn't die there in the hospital when they discovered I had severe acute hyponatremia (sudden, low sodium levels) and thought they were too late, and when I woke up after being unresponsive for 24 hours exactly and discovered that I was in an ICU and had been hooked up to a ventilator, I knew there was a reason why I was still here and not in heaven.  As the painfully slow days of my recovery turned into a few months with my making a surprising and unpredicted near-complete recovery from the damage done to my heart and brain from the low sodium levels, I realized that God still has work for me to do for His kingdom. 

My continued unresponsive state after being removed from the ventilator

I don't understand all that God is doing in my life or what He expects from me, but I do know that He has called me to live each day for His glory as I love Him and follow His commands.  As family trials have continued to be difficult over the last year making the past two years the most difficult ones of our lives, I can't say that there haven't been times that I have wished I had died that day or wondered why I couldn't be free of these trials and be present with the Lord.  Those thoughts have come and gone over the course of the year, but one thing I always come back to is that God's not done with me yet.  When He is, then I will enter His presence. 

In the meantime, I rejoice that I have breath to praise Him and energy to serve Him.  I celebrate the life He has given to me and the course of life that He has ordained.  God is good in the good times and the bad times.  This year has been a time of growth in my trust in Him and His sovereignty as I learned in new ways to let go of my own plans and desires and let God be God.  I love Him more today than I did a year ago.  I know Him in a deeper and more intimate way today than at my last birthday.  I hunger and thirst after His Word and His righteousness more than I ever have.  They are my lifeline!

So today, I celebrate His work in my heart and life.  I reflect on His sovereign plan for my life.

Because of God's faithfulness, I am here today celebrating a day others predicted I would never see.  May He receive all of the glory and honor due Him.

Psalm 139:13-17:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God!  How vast is the sum of them!"

The Growth of Summer

I love watching things grow during the summer.  I especially look forward to the growth and production of my organic vegetable garden every year.  Usually, my garden grows out of control, and we are swimming in its harvest and giving plenty of the bounty away because we can't consume, can, or dehydrate it fast enough.  This year in particular has been a very slow year of growth with my garden thanks to a pesty groundhog who gave up digging under the fence and instead goes through the fence and climbs up the raised beds to devour my garden.  I have trapped him once, but Tim inadvertently let him go when the trap door of the trap opened unexpectedly as he lifted up the trap.  Of course, the varmint isn't dumb enough to get trapped twice despite our tempting efforts.  It has been the most frustrating summer of growth that way.

However, there has been good growth in so many other ways this Summer.  Our boys are the most visible growth.  They have shot up so quickly the past few months growing a few inches each with Josh soaring past me in height.  It's been difficult to keep them in clothing!  We have grown as a family as Josh makes progress in his residential treatment, and the family relationship has been given time to heal and improve.  We have been able to go away for 2 week-long vacations spending really special, quality time with David giving him our long-overdue attention and making special memories together without the drama of a brother with Autism.  Tim and I have been able to grow in our marriage relationship having extra time to spend together just the two of us.  Lastly, I have experienced growth of a different kind.

This summer has been a time of spiritual growth for me.  My trust in God has been strengthened as I continue to learn anew (almost daily) that I am not in control of anything--especially my children, but that God is, and that's ok.  As a result, I've grown in my ability to let go and let God.  My love for and marvel of God has grown as I've had a chance to dig deeper into God's Word through a summer women's book/Bible study I was able to participate in bringing a whole new perspective to life and God's sovereignty and gifts.  My hunger to learn God's Word has grown as I've been challenged to memorize passages of Scripture and say them to others in the book study who keep me accountable and memorize verses also.  I've also grown in my experience of and participation in the edification of the Church body as I weekly spent time with some lovely, Godly women at this study.  I didn't realize how hungry and thirsty I was for Christian, female friendship, and being able to satifsy those longings has renewed my spirit.

As the Summer comes to an end, I am so grateful to God for the growth He has given to our family, and especially for the way he has grown His love and care in my heart and life.  I am strengthened and encouraged as I look to the start of another school year with many new and uncertain challenges ahead of our family, because I know the time of growth this summer will help carry me through all that God brings across our path.

Growth this Summer in the sunflower field of Please Wash Me Car Wash in Elverson, PA

Good Gifts from the Hand of God

This summer, I have been going to a women's Bible study on the book of Ecclesiastes where we use the book Living Life Backward by David Gibson to guide us in our study.  It has been such an enriching and encouraging study for me and has made the book of Ecclesiastes come alive in a whole new way for me.  Ecclesiastes is quickly becoming one of my favorite books of the Bible!

I have already learned so much from the study and am hoping to write a blog post on that as well in the future, but for today, I have to put to words what I experienced a few weeks ago where God gave me simple but meaningful gifts that I knew immediately were straight from His loving hands for my enjoyment and happiness.

In the second chapter of Living Life Backward, Gibson states, "By relativizing all that we do in our days under the sun, death can change us from people who want to control life for gain into people who find deep joy in receiving life as a gift.  This is the main message of Ecclesiastes in a nutshell:  life in God's world is gift, not gain" (p. 37).  Later, he points out that the Preacher in Ecclesiastes 2 bursts the bubbles of pleasure and profit, materialism, and laughter with the blunt reality that we all die, but in the end, the Preacher bursts death's bubble by pointing out that if we live knowing the reality of death will come upon us, we can stop striving so hard for the good things for which we long but can learn to enjoy them for what they are.  Gibson says, "Death reorients us to our limitations as creatures and helps us to see God's good gifts right in front of us all the time, each and every day of our lives.  Instead of using these gifts as means to a greater end of securing ultimate gain in the world, we take the time to live inside the gifts themselves and see the hand of God in them" (p. 45).

Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 tells us that God is the one who gives enjoyment and satisfaction and wisdom and knowledge.  After reflecting on the fact that everything in life, the good and the bad, are gifts from God, I prayed asking God to help me find the gifts in life, because lately, with the heavy burdens and difficult trials, I have lost sight of the gifts and just cling to God's grace to sustain me each day and help me keep putting one foot in front of the other on a daily basis forgetting that God's grace itself is a gift.  The very next day, I saw a very visible and tangible answer to that prayer and stood in awe of God's goodness in even the small things.

I had been extremely stressed out trying to help everyone else get ready for a week-long retreat that I was quickly running out of time to get our family ready for the retreat.  We were going to a place where there weren't many food options, not to mention healthy ones.  Our inn did not provide breakfast, so I wanted to make sure I made enough things to bring with us that would suffice as breakfast that wouldn't spoil being kept in a cooler on ice since I knew we wouldn't have a fridge.  It also needed to be food items that didn't need to be heated up or cooked since we wouldn't have access to a stove or microwave (not that we use a microwave anyway). I also wanted to make sure we had food options to cover some of our lunches.  We were coming down to the wire for our departure, and even though I had my recipes chosen, I had yet to start the cooking and baking not to mention packing for the trip.  I have not been able to have gluten the last year due to increasing adverse reactions to it, and we were going to be having a campfire one night during the retreat and making S'mores.  I had really wanted to make myself some gluten-free graham crackers, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to have time for that.  I also had wanted to make some special gluten-free chocolate chip cookies so that I could enjoy dessert when others had desserts that I couldn't have.  Again, not a chance of that happening.  We are very careful in what we eat and don't use refined sugars, gluten, most grains, and only healthy oils.  That being said, it's not as simple as running to the grocery store for gluten-free labeled products, so I was disappointed but content to be resigned that I won't be able to have special treats.

However, God had other plans for me.  On June 21, two days before our departure, I ran to the local farms where I get our groceries and decided to swing by a discount food store on my way home in case I could find some organic ingredients I needed that I wasn't successful in getting at the farms or couldn't get at the farms.  While there, I decided to peruse the aisles as sometimes, they have organic treasures that fit within our dietary choices.  Lo and behold, God had everything I needed there, and more than I could have ever dreamed.  With each shocking find, I immediately thanked God for the special gift.  It almost became comical with how many special gifts directly from God that I found in the store.  I literally laughed out loud at God's goodness to me that day.  I found the organic milk that came in juice box size that would keep better than the raw organic milk I get from the farm to go with the granola I was planning to make.  Ordinarily, I make our yogurt from the raw milk I get from the farm, and I had run out of yogurt that week and knew I didn't have time to make more to go with the granola and/or fruit I was planning to bring as a breakfast or lunch option.  The discount store happened to have plain organic whole milk yogurt sitting on the shelf waiting for me to claim it.  The top two gifts from God caught me totally by surprise and made me tear up right there in the store.  There on the shelf sat a box of gluten-free graham crackers with acceptable ingredients and not too far down the aisle from that were two boxes of chocolate chip cookies also made with the right ingredients.  I have never seen either of those two products before, and I have looked since to find them again since they were so good, but I have not found them (up until today when I found one box of the chocolate chip cookies).  I know God put them there and led me to them because He cared about me and my silly longings and gave me those precious and delicious gifts for my enjoyment and happiness.  God is so good!

Finding those gifts from God have been a great encouragement to me to keep looking for God's gifts in every day whether they be something as silly as needing healthy and gluten-free chocolate chip cookies or protection from an accident or an answer to prayer.  I find myself always looking and praising God for those gifts as I see them.  I marvel at how easy they are to find when you are looking for them and how we so often go through life blind to them.  I am working on living life in light of death and enjoying the daily gifts God gives to me to enjoy in the moment because I never know if it will be my last.

Love That Will Never Let Me Go

As I mentioned in my post "Waiting for the Morning," I have been realizing and experiencing the depths of God's love in a deeper and more meaningful way as I walk the current rocky path of trials.  Some songs about God's love have been in my head and heart and often on my voice as I go about my duties day to day helping me to carry on in joy and hope and in the comfort of God's very real and rich love.  God's Love is ENOUGH!  I don't need anything else in this world.

There are no circumstances -- good or bad-- and no places in this world we can find ourselves in where God's love can't reach us.  God's love is an unwavering and all-powerful love that embraces the very essences of our beings, holding us close, and never letting us go.  No matter where you find yourself today, reflect and meditate on God's Wondrous, Deep, Deep Love that will never let you go!

"Oh the Deep, Deep Love" 

By Bob Kauflin 

VERSE 1 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free 

Rolling as a mighty ocean 

In its fullness over me 

Underneath me, all around me 

Is the current of Your love 

Leading onward, leading homeward 

To Your glorious rest above 

CHORUS 

Oh the deep, deep love 

All I need and trust

Is the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

VERSE 2 

Spread His praise from shore to shore 

How He came to pay our ransom 

Through the saving cross He bore 

How He watches o’er His loved ones

Those He died to make His own 

How for them He’s interceding 

Pleading now before the throne 

VERSE 3 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Far surpassing all the rest 

It’s an ocean full of blessing 

In the midst of every test 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Mighty Savior, precious Friend 

You will bring us home to glory 

Where Your love will never end 

"O Wondrous Love" 

By Steve and Vicki Cook 

VERSE 1

O wondrous love that will not let me go 

I cling to You with all my strength and soul 

Yet if my hold should ever fail 

This wondrous love will never let me go 

VERSE 2 

O wondrous love that’s come to dwell in me 

Lord who am I that I should come to know 

Your tender voice assuring me 

This wondrous love will never let me go

CHORUS 

I’m resting in the everlasting arms 

In the ever faithful heart 

The Shepherd of my life 

You’ll carry me on Your mighty wings of grace 

Keeping me until the day

 I look into Your eyes 

VERSE 3 

O wondrous love that sings of Calvary 

The sweetest sound this sinner’s ever known 

The song of Your redeeming Son 

Whose wondrous love will never let me go 

VERSE 4

O wondrous love that rushes over me 

I can’t escape this river’s glorious flow

You overwhelm my days with good 

Your wondrous love will never let me go 

"My Redeemer's Love" 

By Joel Sczebel, Jordan Kauflin, Mark Altrogge 

VERSE 1

My Redeemer’s love is deeper 

Than the depths of sin and hell 

He who was enthroned in glory 

Came to bring us to Himself

My Redeemer’s love is wider 

Than the breach my sins had made 

He reached down into my darkness

 He alone has pow’r to save

CHORUS 1

 Deeper than the rolling seas 

Higher than the mountain peaks

 Your love is all I need 

VERSE 2 

My Redeemer’s love is stronger 

Than my fiercest enemies 

He will hold me in the tempest 

Through the flood He carries me 

My Redeemer’s love will lead me 

Through the deepest valley here 

He will shepherd me and guide me 

He will ever keep me near

CHORUS 2 

Deeper than the rolling seas

 Higher than the mountain peaks 

Your love is all I need 

Stronger than the rushing wind 

Shattering the power of sin 

Your love is all I need

VERSE 3 

My Redeemer’s love grows sweeter 

As eternity draws near

 I’ll enjoy His love forever 

At His throne for endless years 

My Redeemer’s love will fill me 

On the day I see His face

I will love Him back forever 

And forever sing His praise

Learning to be Content

Last month, I had the pleasure and blessing of attending a women's retreat where I was truly ministered to through the sessions digging into God's Word and exposing our obsessions with self and comfort that are preventing us from flourishing.  The music was also so spiritually challenging and was so cohesive with the truths being presented and did a great job pointing us to God reminding us of his sovereignty, love, and care.

As I had mentioned in my blog post "Waiting for the Morning," God has been convicting me of my lack of contentment.  The depths of my discontentment were exposed at this women's retreat.  The speaker at the retreat was author and Crossway editor Lydia Brownback, and each women was given one of her devotional books she has written on various topics.  The book I happened to get was on Contentment.  I laughed at God's sovereignty in that when I simply chose the packet in which the book was beautifully tucked based on the green cover I saw (my favorite color is green).

I have been meditating on the devotionals since then and working hard to be content on a daily basis.  I have far to go, but I am making progress and experiencing greater daily joy as a result in a shift in my focus--upward not inward or outward.

When comparing the present to the past and future, Lydia says, "[The present] is better because God is the one who brought us where we are today.  And the God who led us here is good, kind, and let's not forget, purposeful.  Everything he does in our lives, everywhere he leads us, is designed to fulfill his primary intention for us, which is to know him better.  Contentment does not lie around the next corner.  It is not waiting for us on the other side of today's difficulty, nor is it lost with yesterday.  Contentment is where God is, and God is with us today" (Contentment by Lydia Brownback, p. 24).

Earlier in the book, Lydia says, "Contentment in the valleys comes when we stop fighting so hard to climb out.  God is the one who leads us into the valleys, and he will lead us back out in his time.  God ordains valleys for our good; why else would a good and kind God allow them?  Trusting God in our hard times is the way to contentment--not just trusting him to get us out, but trusting his goodness while we are still in them" (Contentment by Lydia Brownback, p. 16).

The truths of these words were enough to knock the wind out of me and make me really reflect on how I was living my day to day life.  I have continued to trust God in the hard times.  I learned from an early age of trials to not let difficulties rob me of my trust in God.  However, what I have been failing to do is look at the hard times through the lens that God would have me view them.  I am not content in the hard times.  I am often distracted with praying for them to end quickly and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel that I don't realize what God is doing in me in the moment.  After all, James 1:2-4, 12 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  The process within the trials has purpose, and I am missing that truth too often because I am too busy fighting the process!

Hebrews 13:5b says to "be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Going back to the phrases I find myself saying often these days: "God is ENOUGH!"  or "God's God this!"  I conclude as this verse promises -- God is with me, and He will never let me go.  As I shared one of my favorite songs in my post "Waiting for the Morning," God will hold me fast.  I CAN be content in being kept in His wondrous care just as Paul says in Philippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Many of you are aware of the current situation with our oldest especially if you have read my post "Learning to Let it All Go."  Things with him continue to get more difficult, and he is becoming more hardened toward God and his faith in Him.  We are very concerned about his spiritual state.  Our prayers are often pleas with God to hold onto his heart and not let him go.

I read Jen Wilkin's book None Like Him last Fall.  It's a book that digs deeply into the incommunicable attributes of God and how we often vainly try to take on those attributes ourselves.  That book totally changed the depth of how I view God and his majesty and awesomeness and convicted me in so many ways.  I turn back to that book frequently to be reminded of who God is and who I am.  Not too long ago, as we were really struggling with our concerns about Josh's spiritual state and current rebellion against God, this statement by Jen jumped out at me: "We cannot create hope where there is hopelessness...We cannot create repentance where there is unrepentance, but we can cry out to the God who can." I can be content that I am resting in the one and only Self-existent, Creator-God who is fully capable in continuing His miraculous work of redemption and sanctification not only in my life but in my son's life as well.

Tim and I spend some time each night having devotions together as a couple.  As part of our devotions, we use the Tabletalk devotional booklet.  I love what Dr. James Harvey III said in his devotional for May 5-6 called "Rediscovering Contentment," and I have made his statement my resolve:  "I am going to lead the life the Lord has assigned to me, the life to which God has called me.  I am going to find satisfaction and joy in Christ, whether in a season of trial or blessing" (p. 37).

Autism Awareness Month 2018

Autism is so encompassing.  It consumes a family's time, energy, strength, sanity, and heart.  As our son moved into his puberty years last year, we saw it wreak havoc in his life and, subsequently, our family's lives.  What parent hasn't feared the puberty stage and all of the wild hormones that come with it for any pubescent kid?  Add that to a kid who already struggles to live in this world, and you've got trouble!  Because our son also struggles with various other mental health issues (a common struggle for those on the spectrum), you add those into the mix, and you've got utter trouble and chaos to battle with on a daily basis.  We had been warned by many specialists that puberty would be tough, but we never expected it to be this bad.

Things were going rather well leading up to the onset of puberty.  Josh was doing extremely well and remained stable off of all drugs for almost a year thanks to the use of essential oils and supplements and dietary changes.  He was so stable that we decided to take our whole family on a missions trip in April of last year.  He did exceptionally well the whole time we were there given all of the sensory overload; the constant change of routine and daily plans; the very long days; and all of the new sights, smells, and language.  In fact, he LOVED it there!  So much so, that we came home, and he completely fell apart because he wanted to live there instead!  In less than a month, he ended up in the hospital.  It was rough after that, and two months later, he was back in the hospital.  His team of doctors and therapists started pushing for residential treatment.  We fought that idea as valiantly as we could, but as our ER trips became more and more frequent and the struggle to find open hospital beds became the new reality, we were forced into having to make the hardest decision of our lives and put him in residential treatment in the Fall.

We love our son dearly.  It kills us to be separated, yet after the severity of last year, we are still in many ways still today trying to regroup, catch our breath, and pick up the pieces of our lives.  We are working through emotional and psychological damage dealing with his behaviors caused in all of us, particularly David who spent countless hours last year locked in our bedroom (his safe room) during the multiple violent meltdowns of his brother.

The most difficult reality for me was having to come to terms with the fact that I have no control of the outcome of his life.  He was making countless wrong choices despite all of the therapies, Bible instruction, and parenting we have given him.  I was at a loss for changing his course in life because he didn't want to listen to me.  It was his way or the highway.  No consequences could break through his inner resolve. 

It was at that frightening intersection that God had to show me that I've never really had control.  Josh has belonged to God before I even knew he was growing in my womb.  I can do all that God has called me to do in Josh's life, but at the end of the day, God's the one calling the shots and orchestrating the path of Josh's life.  I can't set him up to succeed or prevent him from failure.  I can't protect him from sorrow and difficulty or pave the way for blessings.  Only God can work all things in Josh's life for his good and God's glory.  I had to come to terms with truly letting go and letting God have my son.  It's almost a daily battle to not turn back and try to regain control, but I am learning to trust God more.  I have no idea what God has in store for my son, but I can continue to pray for him asking God to bring him back to the faith we raised him on, asking Him to deliver Josh from the sinful desires of his heart, and plead for victory in Christ in his life.

Throughout our years of Autism, I have often wondered how unbelievers can walk this journey without knowing God.  I would be an absolute mess and may not be alive today if I didn't have a relationship with God.  After this year of learning to trust God to have my son, I don't see how it's even possible to journey this path without God.  Because of God, I have hope.  Josh's future is in His hands, and that's enough.  Nothing will happen outside of God's sovereign plan.  That's enough.

Fall 2017

Learning to Let it ALL Go

In approaching almost the 13th year of being a mother of a special needs child, you would think I would be done giving up all control of my son to my capable and loving Savior and that I was done giving up all of the circumstances around his needs to the Author and finisher of my faith.  Apparently, there are ways I haven't given up that control, and God is digging deeper to reveal the areas of my son's life and my own desires that I am still clinging desperately onto instead of entrusting them to my son's and my Maker.

I learned to give up my goals and dreams of serving God as a missionary full time on a foreign field and embrace the full time mission field ministering to my children and other special needs parents.  I learned to give up the anticipation of my son hitting his normal childhood milestones and instead celebrate the small things like not having a melt down in a community outing or appropriate use of coping skills when upset about a non-preferred directive.  I learned to accept that I can't enjoy the pre-teen years when your child becomes more independent while not needing constant supervision but that I can love on my son in more tangible ways and still have him be okay with mom rather than be embarrassed by her.  I learned to accept that I can't relax and spend more time doing various hobbies like my friends but enjoy the satisfaction that I am doing all that I can to make my son's life just a little bit easier.  I learned to give up the dream of seeing my son participate in team events and celebrate the successes of having a positive social interaction that only required a small amount of adult intervention.  I learned to accept his Autism diagnosis and all of the other diagnoses that have been added throughout the years and embrace the unique and perfect way in which God made my son.  I accepted all of this and gave it all to God along the way.  That's enough, isn't it?

Sadly, over the last 2 months of many set backs and discouraging battles, as the few rays of hope have started to diminish, God had to uncover yet another thing I needed to give up: my son's future: his spiritual walk, the outcome of his teen years and progression into adulthood, his happiness, his struggles.

The last 3 years, I have worked relentlessly to make my son's future and development as successful as possible.  I've stayed current with all of the latest research, behavioral interventions, and natural solutions to give him the best future possible.  We have made so much progress and paved the way for the best outcome possible.  I even got to the point that I once again had a glimmer of hope that he could even get married some day.

Then, it all came crashing down!  Puberty raised its evil head wrecking havoc on his body and causing many hardships and setbacks just as the doctors had predicted.  We coasted through the beginning thinking we were going to skip our way past the foreboding warnings of the doctors.  It looks like we won't be so lucky after all.

As we moved into the reality of what the next several years would look like, I began worrying about his future.  I don't want him to become another statistic of a bipolar youth who kills another person or himself in an angry, illogical rage.  I don't want him to get in trouble with the law and end up in a juvenile detention center.  I don't want him to reject and curse God and flee from the ways in which we brought him up.  I want to make his teen years as easy as possible.  I want him to be able to successfully enter the work force and make something of himself. I WANT...

As my son struggles to maintain control of all circumstances in his life even if it means fighting his way into more and more consequences and lost opportunities, I am struggling to give up the control of my son's future.  As he was formed in my womb, God had his days numbered and his course set.  I can't control how God gets a hold of his hurting and fragile heart.  I can't control whether his teen years are easy or frighteningly difficult.  I have no control because I am not God.  This has become a frightening reality to me the last couple of weeks.  It is so hard to give up control.  To sit back and let God be God and do as He sees fit in my son's life and heart.  It's not that I don't trust God and His sovereignty.  It's the fear of HOW God will accomplish His purposes.  My son has already had so many hurdles to cross, and I don't want to see him struggle anymore.  God doesn't promise that life will be easy but that He will work all things for good.  That has to be enough.

Once again, I find myself learning and battling to let go.  Just as I have let go of the other things, I have to do that with my son's future.  It's just a whole lot harder than I had expected.  Abraham had to give up all control of his son Isaac's life and be willing to sacrifice him in obedience to God.  Hannah gave up control of her son Samuel's life to give him to the ministry in the temple. Mary had to give up all control of her son Jesus' life and let him to his Heavenly Father's work even if it meant going to the cross.   It's time I learn to follow in their footsteps and give up all control of my son's life and his future.  It won't be easy, but it is necessary.  Once I do, the rays of light will break through again because the only place for my son to be is in the good hands of the Shepherd of my son's heart.  If I can do that, it won't be all doom and gloom, right?

Letting Faith Rest in the Power of God

As our date of departure for our family missions trip draws ever nearer, and the final plans are made, I found myself feeling more and more nervous about bringing our oldest on the trip with us due to his continued mood instability.  I feared for his safety with the way he was acting not to mention that I worried about how his behavior would be looked upon by the people in that culture.  I was praying that God would help him to become stable again, but it seemed that each day, there were only more problems rather than fewer.  I began doubting our decision and whether or not God wanted us to bring our son with us.  On top of that, I wrestled with the fact that the country we were headed to had fewer than 1% of the population who were Christians and there really wasn't a model for what a Christian family should look like in that culture except what the pastors and their families are presenting as they blaze the trail raising Christian families.  Part of my vision for the trip was that we could let the people there see what an American Christian family looks like.  However, with the way our oldest was behaving, that idea would be a disaster because we'd only show them how truly broken we really are.  I worried about showing that side.

I expressed my concern in a discussion with Tim who stated that it's not our mission to present to them a "perfect" Christian family.  It's our mission to be with them in body and Spirit encouraging and ministering to each other.  That's what a partnership is all about.  Through the ministry of one another, God builds His Church.  I was thankful for Tim's insight, input, and decision that we are going as a complete family no matter what.

The next day, in reading an excerpt from a meditations book written by missionaries with Josh, I had to smile at God's providence at the passage of Scripture and following reflection about that passage because it was just what I needed to read and meditate upon in my heart.

I Corinthians 2:1-5:  And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

God has this trip already worked out.  He has my son's stability under His control.  He's the one who called us to do this trip as a family, and He's the one doing amazing things to make this trip possible.  He has called us to be lights and bring the Gospel to all peoples making disciples.  We do that by presenting Christ in our brokenness.  We don't want to be making converts of the Russell Kingdom.  We want to make converts of Christ's Kingdom.  What better way to do that but through our own brokenness and desperate need for a Savior.  May these dear people we fellowship with see Christ and Christ alone in our broken lives and may all of the honor and glory go to Him who sustains us and gives us the strength to finish each day through His great and mighty power.

Interestingly enough, as soon as I embraced this new way of thinking, things calmed down in our household, and our son has seen the most stability yet since things got rough in December.  Perhaps God just needed to get my attention and teach me a lesson and grow my faith!  To God be the glory!