Church Abuse and Church Hurt: Part 2

 If you haven't already read Part 1 from 4/2/25, please take the time to read Part 1 here. This will help give more context to my continued story.

It's been over a year of wrestling and working hard in my journey of recovery from church abuse and church hurt.  I'm glad to have made significant progress, but I am also frustrated that trauma is often cyclical just like grief is cyclical, and when you think you are finally on the other side, something comes up that triggers you all over again.  It's such a hard journey of learning to trust God, learning to trust and open your heart up to others again, and learning to let go of past hurts.

Since May 2025, we have been regularly attending All Saints Church, feeling that of all of the reformed churches in the area, our family could grow and be nourished and feel like we have a place to belong. It took us nearly a year of visiting a few different churches to come to that conclusion. However, we have taken our time to become members, because the fear of being hurt again and the difficulty of learning to trust church leadership again is a tough hurdle.  We also want to make sure we give ourselves plenty of time to pray and discern how well the leadership shepherd as God's Word calls them to shepherd.  Elders have a high calling and a huge task required of them.  Sadly, so many miss the mark, so we just want more time to quietly observe and ask questions before making a final decision in moving forward with membership.

As one of the first steps toward membership, Tim decided it would be wise to meet with the pastors of the church to ask questions about membership and the church and the role and practice of elders in the church.  He also took the time to share our family's story of church hurt and the resulting trauma to each of us, explaining why we aren't in a hurry to become members.  He did it as a test case to see how they would respond to our situation.  

To give a summary, a couple of years ago, we had a really traumatic event shake us to the core.  We went to the church leadership for prayer and help working through the trauma, erroneously thinking the church was the place to go for help and encouragement.  We thought they would walk with us through the unknowns of our valley, encouraging us with Scripture and praying with us, bearing our burdens with us and encouraging us when we felt we couldn't go on.  That should be what shepherding looks like, shouldn't it?  It's what I envision when I read I Peter 5 and other passages listing the duties of elders.  That's what I see in Jesus' example during His earthly ministry. Instead, we were made to feel like we were too much trouble for what we were worth.  We were welcome in the church as long as we didn't have trouble.  Once we had trouble, we were no longer welcome.  We were too much of a burden.  We needed to leave because we weren't welcome anymore as a family.  They violated their confidentiality policy, they emotionally abused one of our children, they encouraged the congregation to not ostracize us all while leaders were guilty of doing that exact thing.  It took me a year to lament, pray, and strive to forgive when no one even asked for forgiveness.  At the end of my year long journey to forgive and as an exercise from a book on forgiveness I was reading, I wrote a letter to the elders sharing my heart with them, sharing my disappointment in how vastly different their actions were compared to the various passages of Scripture that model elder behavior, and finally telling them specifically what I forgive them for.  It was helpful to get that off of my chest and to name the hurts that I forgive.  In my forgiveness journey, I read several helpful books on forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not forgetting.  It's also not condoning or excusing their behavior.  Forgiveness is simply choosing to not be angry with or resenting or taking vengeance on someone for the harm they have caused.  In a spiritual sense, it's not personally holding them accountable for the hurts they caused, but entrusting the situation to God to hold them accountable, bring justice, and resolve the situation or help us move on, if resolution isn't possible.  That letter was very freeing for me as I let go of the resentment onto which I was holding.

Since then, I have been able to move on in many ways.  Because the trauma is still there, there have been times when something triggers me and brings up all of those feelings once again, but those triggers are getting less frequent and often are easier to deal with than they had been even a year ago.  In part though, I wasn't prepared for or expecting the grief that my letter would cause me when my letter seemingly fell on deaf ears.  We requested that the letter be shared with all of the elders since it was written to the elders as a whole.  It wasn't as if I was expecting the elders to come and ask for forgiveness, although, that would have been the Biblical thing to do, even if they didn't believe they were wrong but at least to apologize for and acknowledge the hurt that was caused.  I guess I just would have thought that I'd at least get an acknowledgment that the letter was received and my heart understood even if it was just from one elder who had been involved in the situation.  Unfortunately, it was silence that ensued, and that just caused grief over how far the elders missed the mark in shepherding a small number of their sheep.  Interestingly enough, the new pastor of the church who wasn't involved in our situation at all acknowledged my letter by sending me a note and explaining that he was somewhat familiar with the details of our story but obviously hadn't been involved in any of the details or decisions regarding our family's situation since that was before his arrival.  The note was from him personally, not on behalf of the elders.  

I've attended a seminar on church abuse and church hurt.  It was helpful for me in working through my feelings and knowing I'm not alone in how I was feeling or what I was wrestling through.  One thing they talked about was how church leaders typically have a repetitive pattern to abuse/hurt because no one is bold enough to talk about their trauma and speak out against the leaders.  As a result, the sin patterns are repeated and more people continue to get hurt. I've wrestled with that fact and knowing how to best proceed with that.  Obviously, I don't want anyone else to suffer as we have suffered, and sadly, we aren't the only ones who have suffered in this way under those elders.  I know of other people and families who have had similar reactions from the elders with similar breaches of confidence and letter writing to the church members.  Some of these hurt people have left silently.  Others have been outspoken or have had people close to their situation be very vocal about it.  I think there is a balance between being silent and being aggressive and harsh and bordering on defamation.  I don't know what that balance looks like, but I do want people to know that there is a church that may look really good from an outsider's perspective or someone who has never needed help, but when looking closely at the leadership and the shepherding model, there are outstanding issues that shouldn't be overlooked, especially when there is a repetitive pattern and a neglect of shepherding the individual sheep (microshepherding).  

I don't know about you, but I want my shepherds to take time to pray and seek God's Word for wisdom in how to love and shepherd a hurting sheep before plowing ahead bulldozing the hurting ones instead of helping them.  I want them triaging the most critical ones before worrying about those who aren't sick.  I don't want them making rash decisions without getting all of the facts or trying understand the hurting heart.  I don't want them instantly thinking the worst before understanding where the hurting are actually at.  I don't want them worrying more about what people will think about them rather than worrying about a wounded soul.  I want elders who are humble enough to admit when they are wrong or who apologize when there is hurt.  I don't want elders who go and tell everyone what was shared with them in confidence.  They shouldn't be quick to overreact, but they should be quick to pray and seek God's Word.  They also should be willing to rule and make their own decisions as elders and not give non-elders the task of making a judgment and choice of how to shepherd.  Shepherds are the ones that God will hold accountable (Hebrews 13:17) in that final day when the great Shepherd appears, and those who do shepherd faithfully, will receive the unfading crown of glory (I Peter 5:4).  

So back to Tim's test case with the pastors of our current church we are attending:  How did they respond to our situation and story?  Did they immediately say we weren't welcome at their church?  Did they look at our family with disgust and tell us to find somewhere else to worship because our problems are too much? No! In fact, how they responded is exactly how we expected our previous shepherds to respond - with love and care and a desire to walk with us in our valley.  They encouraged Tim even more strongly to consider having our family become members so that they can minister to us on a deeper level as our shepherds.  There was something redemptive in that the meeting.  I was too fearful to be present for the meeting.  Tim walked away encouraged and refreshed.  He shared with me what was said in the meeting and how the pastors acted and what they said.  I was so grateful and rejoiced in the redemptive actions of these godly men.  I know that the Bible has a tall order for elders, but I know it's humanly possible, or God wouldn't call men to do it.  I'm grateful for a glimmer of hope that we may have found elders we can submit to in their shepherding care.  Now to continue to seek and observe and pray that God would lead us in His timing to take the final step of membership once again, and that if this is not His will, He will make it abundantly clear to us.  In the meantime, my prayer is that God would give me the strength to cast my anxieties about submitting to church leadership after all of the hurt and trauma on Him, because He cares for me.  After all, that's what Peter was getting at in I Peter 5:7 as he concluded his chapters on submitting to authority or the needs and cares of various groups/people and finally about submitting to the needs of each other, and entrusting God with the worries that submission may cause.  "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen" (I Peter 5:10-11).

Church Abuse and Church Hurt: Part 1

What is the role of a pastor or an elder in a church?  The word “pastor” is from a Latin word that means “shepherd.”  The “Elder” in the New Testament is given the command to shepherd.  Pastors and Elders are to shepherd their congregation, their flock.  The Old Testament gives many examples of God or the LORD being a Shepherd to His people.  David and Moses were considered shepherds of the people.  Jesus, during his earthly ministry, called himself the Good Shepherd.  Priests were undershepherds to God’s people.  The apostles talk in their epistles about the role of elders as shepherds.  The examples and expectations are clear, but carrying out the big task of shepherding is a huge undertaking and one that clearly isn’t being taken seriously in our day and age, but it was an issue in the past as well.  Just read the prophecy against the undershepherds in Ezekiel 34.

Timothy Witmer wrote a fantastic book called The Shepherd Leader: Achieving Effective Shepherding in Your Church.  It should be a required book to read for all elders and any incoming elders.  I decided to read it to make sure my expectations/understanding of what an elder is and what he should do based on what I read in the Bible was accurate.  I have found through this book that I am indeed interpreting correctly what the Bible has to say about elders.  It made me sad to read the book and realize I was right and that my understanding wasn’t even to the fullest of what the Bible has to say about the role of elders.  It grieves me to think how far off the mark so many elders are.

The reason I chose to dive into this topic is because I have a history of church abuse and church hurt that has been brought back up to the surface lately, exposing all of my deep wounds and making me have to face my trauma all over again.  I’m trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings to help me process and heal from my trauma once and for all.

It’s important to define the terms “church abuse” and “church hurt.”  I’ve gleaned these definitions from all of the sources I have read on the topics.  Church abuse includes any of the following: sexual violence, domestic abuse, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse or acts of intimidation.  Church hurt is term used to describe emotional or physical pain caused by the actions of decisions of someone in a church.  There is a lot of cross-over between the two terms.  Both can be a result of the abuse or misuse of power within the church.  Church hurt can also be from non-leaders of the church, whereas church abuse is almost always from the church leadership.

According to Witmer, Shepherds (elders) are to know the sheep, feed the sheep, lead the sheep, and protect the sheep.  They are to do this at a macro level (through the preaching/teaching of God’s Word) as well as a micro level (on an individual level with each of their sheep).  He uses Jesus’ example to prove his point.  Jesus, as the Good Shepherd knows His sheep, and His sheep know His voice.  A relationship has to be there for His sheep to know His voice and follow Him.  This is the expectation of our shepherd elders in our churches.

Sadly, this is not what I have experienced in the churches in which I have been a member.  I was sexually abused by a deacon in my church when I was 5 years old.  My parents did the right thing in reporting it to the police.  However, the pastor of the church and the leaders were upset with my parents for going to the authorities and wished that they had just let them deal with it.  The horror of it all!  If they were shepherding my parents and me properly, they would have come alongside of them to support them in going to the police and walk with them through the lengthy investigation that then took place.  How did that abandonment from the elders make me feel? “I’m not important.  I have no value.  I’m worthless!”

Fast forward to my adult life during a very difficult time in my life when I was faced with the reality of a husband addicted to porn.  When he had fallen into it again, and I confronted him after he had lied about it, something went askew psychologically for me, and I started responding to him like he was my sexual abuser even though logically I knew he wasn’t.  My Christian counselor recommended that I ask him to leave in an effort to try to save my marriage and get me the psychological and emotional help I needed to recover.  I followed her advice, but as a result, my church leaders enacted church discipline on me for asking my husband to leave.  My counselor met with the elders to explain what we were trying to accomplish, but they were so insistent that he be allowed back in the house that they gave me an ultimatum to either let him back in or I would be excommunicated (I had already been removed from all of my ministries, and they had already confronted me, even bringing an elder’s wife with them).  I was just trying to save my marriage to avoid divorce, but that wasn’t acceptable to the elders because all they cared about was my husband’s need to be living with me.  How did this make me feel?  I’m worthless.  I have no value.  My healing isn’t important.  All that matters is my obedience to the elders who only care about my husband.  After all, he wasn’t asked to step down from his church leadership until I demanded it because I had been removed from all of mine, and I was the victim not the culprit.  Thankfully, God helped me get the healing I needed without their help, and my husband was supportive of my healing and supportive in our decision to find another church.

Then again, in our new church, it happened again in several different ways.  We thought this church was different.  Even their membership vows include a statement that if you feel estranged in any way regarding the church that you seek out an elder to have a discussion before making any decisions.  Great!  That means they care! Sadly, that just wasn’t the case.  Within a week after becoming members, the infamous COV1D shutdown happened.  Churches all over the place lost their focus and sinned against God’s command to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  We thankfully found another church to worship in while ours remained closed.  Once our church opened, masks were required in order to attend church.  I have a heart condition in which masking deprives me of oxygen, causes me to have bronchospasms, and I end up with severe heart palpitations that make me even more short of breath and feel like I am going to pass out.  I do eventually pass out if I don’t get the palpitations under control.  Because of my medical condition and because the laws of PA allowed for medical exceptions, I was allowed to go without a mask in public places.  However, our church didn’t allow for PA’s medical exception, so I could go to the grocery store, but I couldn’t go to church.  Our oldest was seriously struggling with his mental health during that time and needed to go to a residential program.  Before he left, we wanted to host a prayer meeting sendoff for him at his request.  We were abiding by the government’s limit of the number of people gathered and had invited key people in his life.  Two of the pastors of the church contacted us asking that we cancel the prayer meeting because of the scare of COV1D.  Instead of coming to the prayer meeting to support a struggling sheep, they encouraged us to NOT have a prayer meeting for him.  We were incredulous at their spiritually hurtful response.  Later, a sermon was preached about loving our brother and being thoughtful about those who are more fearful of the disease and why we should wear masks so that they can be comfortable in church.  The sermon was totally one sided, not encouraging the fearful to understand that there are people who cannot physically wear a mask who also need to be in church and should be allowed since the government allows them in other public spaces.  We and two other families from the church requested a meeting with the elders to discuss our feelings/concerns in keeping of our membership vows to seek out a meeting with an elder should we feel estranged.  The meeting was scheduled, then a few days before the meeting, it was canceled because the pastor didn’t have time to prepare.  What preparation needed to be done in order to listen to sheep’s concerns?  Shouldn’t you come to the table with no expectations or plans but to listen?  Lastly, we had another family crisis in which our world was turned upside down, and instead of receiving shepherding care, we got the hammer.  Again, those feelings of “I’m worthless.  I have no value” came to the surface.  This time with extra loudness and impact because now my family is involved and impacted.  My thoughts turn to, “Since I have no value, neither do my children or my family.”  It’s an agonizing feeling and such a loud voice that is difficult to silence. 

I know these thoughts and feelings are not true and not from God.  I know that God’s Word tells me otherwise.  It’s just getting harder and harder to stop hearing these lies because they are being reinforced over and over again by our shepherds.  Now that we are without a shepherd again, I feel the terror settling, but every time I think about finding a new church home and becoming members somewhere else, the terror rises up inside of me.  How can I ever trust another group of elders to shepherd me?  If I had my way, I’d never become a member of a church again!  How does one recover from Church Abuse or Church Hurt? 

I’m working with a counselor to work through the emotional damage.  I’d love to be able to trust again.  I have read a book on Church Abuse.  I am finding podcasts and blog posts about others who have faced church abuse and hurt.  Sadly, I’m not finding a lot of encouraging or positive stories or outcomes.  I’m realizing that the hurt is prevalent, and that’s heartbreaking!  It’s not something that is often brought to light, but it should be.  We need positive stories and outcomes of how God has redeemed bad things.  When the undershepherds were prophesied against in Ezekiel 34 because they failed to be the shepherds they were called to be, God was the shepherd for the scattered sheep.  I am finding hope in that! 

If you can relate to the feelings of church abuse or church hurt and want to talk, I’m happy to lend a listening ear.  I don’t have answers for you, but I hope to someday.  I hope to eventually have a positive story to share with others in my shoes.  If you have found redemption from your church and have encouraging words to share with me, I’m all ears!  Perhaps we just need to walk this painful journey together, striving to sort out the truths of God’s Word and Satan’s lies.

If you have elders who truly shepherd as they are commanded, don’t take them for granted!  Send them a note of thanks or speak to them in person.  They need to be encouraged for being faithful in the midst of so many unfaithful shepherds.  God will reward them for caring for the hearts of His people.  They are wonderful examples for other elders to see how shepherding can be done well in our broken world.

Forsaking your faith or forsaking church all together is not the answer.  That’s Satan’s desire!  We need to keep the faith and keep obeying God’s command to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  However, I think we need to be cautious in committing to the shepherding of elders too quickly before truly understanding what their shepherding looks like.  We need to pray and ask God to give us a discerning heart before jumping into another sheepfold.  We also need to remember that we are still a sheep in need of a home. God be gracious to us in our time of need!

Read the continued story in Part 2.

The Expectation-Breaker

 An oppressive government, civil unrest, harsh rules and expectations, religious divisions, and silence from God.

Sound familiar? This was the setting in Israel at the time of Christ's birth.  Surprised?  How fitting that we go into this Advent season with similar circumstances.  However, we aren't faced with the silence of 400 years from hearing God's Words because we have His Word in written script rather than having to rely on the prophets.

As I reflect on the meaning of God's birth and reflect on my current circumstances, I am struck anew by many different thoughts related to Christ's remarkable birth.  For one, Christ was foretold to be the King from David's line (2 Samuel 7:12-13) and Savior of Israel (Isaiah 52-53) and that his glory and splendor would be seen (Isaiah 35:2).  It's only natural to assume then that this Savior King would be born in a palace with great fanfare and celebration, right?  Well, that's not what God had in mind.  Instead of a royal entrance, Jesus made his entrance into this world in a dirty cave in Bethlehem (town predicted in Micah 5:2) to a mother who was a virgin (fulfilling Isaiah 7:14) and a father who wasn't even his father by blood but who would eventually marry Jesus' mother and giving Jesus the heritage of being from the line of David.  Jesus' parents, who were from Nazareth in Galilee, "just happened" to have to make a trip to Bethlehem, Joseph's town of origin for a census decreed by Caesar Augustus. The cattle shelter held no glory or splendor fit for a King.  A manger (feeding trough) was Jesus' bed.  Born in the night unbeknownst to the world, God in flesh dwelt among His people (John 1).  Instead of letting all of the important Jewish rulers know of such an important birth, God chose to first alert shepherds, who in their day, were the low-lifes, the outcasts, the filthy people with whom townspeople, not to mention people of important standing, didn't want to associate.  After receiving the grandest birth announcement ever, these shepherds were tasked to find the baby, which then led to the first Gospel movement carried out by these local outcasts (Luke 2 8-20).  

This was only the beginning of the rules and expectations that Jesus would set out to break.   He didn't have a life of fanfare and money like a king would, and he grew up in an insignificant town of Nazareth in Galilee, a poorer region of Israel.  As Jesus began His ministry, He sought out fishermen, also considered lowlifes of the day, to be His disciples (Matthew 4:18-22).  He then proceeded to minister to the sick, demon possessed, poor, and handicapped -- all outcasts of the day.  He didn't just speak to these people, but he touched them, loved them, hugged them, and made them feel cared for deeply.  Jesus was a living example of what it means to love one's neighbor.  He didn't care about what others thought; no one was too insignificant to be noticed; and he was intentional, acting with purpose.  Flash forward to today, I am grieved by what I see around me during this time of a pandemic where some Christians are hiding in their homes fearing a virus that has a 99.7% recovery rate for people 47 and younger or who claim they are staying in their homes to "love their neighbor."  Leprosy was a very contagious disease of Jesus' day.  People who had it were quarantined in certain areas outside of towns to keep them separate from people to help prevent the spread of the disease.  Did Jesus stay away from them to love His neighbor? No, he moved toward them, he touched them, touch - something they hadn't felt in probably a very long time!  No person was too worthless or hopeless for Jesus.  He didn't come to this world to care for the healthy but the sick (Luke 5:31)!  

Each one of us is sick.  We are all dying of a wicked, evil soul. We are all lost living in the Kingdom of Self (Paul Tripp uses this phrase, and I like it!).  This baby King came to tear down our Kingdoms of Self.  The Jews expected Jesus to become their physical King overturning the oppressive Roman government.  However, Jesus came to be the King in our hearts, overthrowing the King of Self and replacing it with His loving, grace and mercy-filled reign.  We all need this Baby King to save us from death!  For those of us who have found Christ, we have been saved, but while we remain on this Earth in our mortal bodies, we have a battle waging within us of our new and righteous spirit and our old and sinful flesh.  Sadly, often, our old flesh gets the better of us.  Our enemy Satan, prowls around looking to devour us, his former possession (I Peter 5:8).  He attacks us and tempts us and aids our flesh in winning the battle.  I see such strong evidences of him at work today dividing churches and dividing families over how to handle this virus.  He's winning by leaps and bounds!  So, should we throw our hands up in defeat because we've already lost?  No, we are more than conquerors through Christ (Romans 8:35-39).  He can give us the victory if we look to Him for strength and help.  How did Peter walk across the raging waters of the Sea of Galilee?  Was it by looking at his hopeless circumstances? No, the moment he did, he began to sink!  He walked by keeping his eyes on Jesus and reaching for His hand to help him (Matthew 14:22-36).  We need to stop looking at the circumstances around us -- the dangers of the virus, the numbers of cases or deaths, the bleak predictions, etc. and start looking to Christ seeking to glorify Him even in this dark time.  If we take Jesus' example through His life on this Earth, we shouldn't be staying locked inside.  We should be out seeking to minister to the many people hurting during this time.  People have lost income and jobs and loved ones and freedoms and health and school and hope...the list could go on.  What people need right now is the Hope of the World, whose advent we celebrate during this season.  How will they hear unless people tell them (Romans 10:14-15)?  We as believers are called to be Gospel-bearers (Matthew 28:19-20), and it's quite difficult for us to follow our calling if we hide indoors.  I'm not saying every believer needs to be out and about, for there are some who are at high risk, such as those of old age or many health concerns, who may need to stay home, but they shouldn't remain home fearing that the virus should find them.  They should be the praying saints flooding God's throne of grace with prayers for those out and about as they share the Gospel with those around them.

What many believers have quickly lost sight of in these days is that God is sovereign.  No matter how careful we are to abide by the "scientific" guidelines or even if we choose to shelter in place, if God's will is for us to contract or even die from COVID, there is no where we can hide and no bubble strong enough to protect us.  We've lost sight of the fact that God is God and that we cannot thwart His plans.  We need to be wise in our actions but continue the work God has called us to do trusting Him for the outcome.  Who can add a single hour to his life (Luke 12:22-31)? Our life is not guaranteed us.  We do not know when our hour of death will be.  God calls us to live life to our fullest doing everything to the glory of God (I Corinthians 10:31).  That means that we need to stop living like we are already dead (like so many are currently doing) and get back to living the life we have.  Are you afraid to spend Christmas with family for fear that germs may find you?  If you knew this would be your last Christmas together as a family, would that change your mind?  If you knew your grandmother would die of a heart attack next month, would you give her a hug now? What if you already have failing health, and death is more of a reality to you?  Do you want to spend your few remaining days isolated from family, never seeing your grandkids, or having a family member give you a hug? Life is fragile, and it can be over in an instant.  We need to live with this perspective and seize the day, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil (Ephesians 5:15-16).  Live faithfully so that when God calls you home, you will hear him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25: 21, 23).

Back to this humble Baby in a manger.  What kind of a man will He become? For one, he will become a rule breaker when it comes to tearing down the superfluous, extraneous Jewish laws created by the Scribes and Pharisees.  Jesus made it really clear where He stood as far as their hypocritical beliefs, words, and actions (see the 7 Woes in Matthew 23).  He followed God's laws!  He is a proclaimer of truth even when it means He loses popularity or risks His life. He calls people out when they are wrong (and yet does it without sinning -- something I can't emulate very well yet!).  He will become a man who knows when to speak and act (Matthew 21:12-13, for example) and when to remain silent (Trial of Jesus: Matthew 27:1-31; Mark 15:1-20; Luke 23:1-25; John 18:28-19:16).   

What will He do?  He will bring God's kingdom to Earth by building it in the hearts of the people God calls to Himself in preparation for building a new heaven and earth where God's Kingdom reigns forever and ever.  He, as the second Adam, will lay down His life on the cross to be crucified (the most humiliating and cursed way to die) so that he can close the gap between God and man that was created by the first Adam when he brought sin into the world.  He crushed the head of the serpent (Genesis 3:15), Satan, the holder of death. What does this mean?  The Kingdom of Self has been demolished.  I am not my own!  I have been bought with a price, therefore, I am not a slave of men (I Corinthians 7:23), nor I am a slave to sin (Romans 6:15-23)!  The curse of sin has been reversed!  I have been set free and have the promise of eternal life!  I no longer have the fear of death (Hebrews 2:14-15).  We as believers can all share Paul's perspective on death, which was ever before him during his ministry: "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or death.  For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:20-21).

His birth brought the Kingdom of God to this earth, His death made it possible for God's Kingdom to dwell in the hearts of His people, and His resurrection gave way to His eternal Kingdom coming in fullness with his Second Coming.  In the already-not-yet period, God gave the gift of His Holy Spirit to speak truth into our hearts and guide our footsteps.  We need to seek and listen to His voice!  God also gave the gift of the Church, His body in which Christ is the head.  We are made up of many members, each with his own gifts and function within the larger body.  If we function independently of each other, we fail, because we were meant to be one.  In our day today, churches are torn apart by differing political views and views on the virus.  Satan has very successfully got us off track by making us take our eyes of Christ and forget our purpose as a church within our body and outside of our body.  We are called into the world to be witnesses of the greatness of God serving others being the hands and feet of God Himself.  It's pretty hard to accomplish that locked inside, though.  We are called to edify one another and build each other up; sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to speak the truth of God's Word into each other's heart; bear each other's burdens (kind of hard to do that over Zoom); spur one another on toward love and good deeds; and most importantly not forsake the assembling of ourselves together or partaking of the Lord's Supper until Christ's return (Hebrews 10:23-26).  If we are going to be effective witnesses in this world, we need to present a united front.  So, there are different perspectives and viewpoints - that's ok!  We are a diverse body, and that helps to keep us searching the Scriptures and the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  We can agree to disagree and love those who think differently.  How many of the apostles and missionaries of old disagreed on certain points (read Acts for a few examples)?  We can agree on the essentials of the faith and let everything else be of less importance.  We do need to be a functioning church, though, active in the work to which we are called.  I know some great men and women of the faith, who have needed to use more caution during this time, who have taken the time at home to be prayer warriors, praying faithfully and intently and sending notes to encourage others.  There are tasks for all members of Christ's body, and no matter what side you fall on, you need to be loving your brothers and sisters in the faith continuing to build them up and point them to Christ, finding creative ways to love them.  Stop jumping to conclusions and judging one another's actions and motives.  It's so easy to think that someone seemingly not following recommendations is a rebel and someone adhering to the recommendations is a fearful coward.  That's simply not the case!  It's not our place to judge!  It's our place to LOVE!  After all, that's why we celebrate this Advent season - LOVE came down and dwelt among us (John 1:14, 3:16)!

This Advent season, Satan is working overtime to discourage, depress, quiet/distort the Gospel, and divide churches and families.  Don't give him fuel!  Christ crushed his head once!  Stand with Christ and be victorious over the attacks of the devil.  Let peace rule in your hearts and reign on this Earth this Christmas.  The World has never needed God's love and peace more! Praise God that Christ was an expectation-breaker!  Praise God that because Jesus came as a baby, Immanuel--"God with us"--(Matthew 1:23) has come to us.  Praise God that because Jesus was born, our Kingdoms of Self could be destroyed!  Go and live in the freedom Christ's life and death and resurrection accomplished for you, and share the Good News to all who will listen!  There is much to celebrate this Advent season!

God Moves in a Mysterious Way

In discussing our sermon passage in Romans 11 this past Sunday, our pastor mentioned the hymn "God Moves in a Mysterious Way" by William Cowper.  I absolutely love the hymn, and since our pastor mentioned it, I have yet to get it out of my head and have been going through my days singing it over and over.  It's a good thing because it's a good reminder for me as I push through my days of being a "single parent" to our two special needs boys while my husband Tim is out of town.

I have seen the mysterious ways God has worked throughout my life and even just within this week:

• In a week that was set up to be difficult with Tim out of town, I needed the reminder that God is sovereign.  Juggling my two days of work as a nurse without having Tim home to take care of the boys and our normal afternoon childcare arrangements for Tuesdays; caring for the boys without Tim's help when both boys struggle with anxiety and related behaviors from having Tim gone; caring for the household responsibilities on my own; continuing to battle with therapy services for Josh; etc. -- I am surviving, and so far things are going better than I had anticipated with only two more days of being alone to go.  Part of what has gotten me through is singing this hymn and remembering God's sovereign control over my life and our daily circumstances.
• In  my own personal devotions this week, I have been reminded of God's sovereignty.  As I read through Job, I see it very clearly.  Bad things happen to good people.  Life can be difficult and full of heart-wrenching troubles.  Friends fail us. Our broken justice system acts unjustly.  Disasters lurk at every corner.  Job didn't curse God and kill himself like his unhelpful wife had suggested even after losing his wealth, his family, his means of income, his friends, and his health.  Instead he chose to praise God, ask God some deep questions from his heart, and conclude that when he comes through his trials, he will come forth as gold.  No matter what I face in life, God has ordained each and every thing - from the deepest, darkest trials to the mountain top experiences.  I can live each day confidently knowing that I remain in God's capable hands and nothing today will happen outside of God's control and plan.  I may not see His purposes clearly, but I know that He will work His sovereign will performing His wonders daily in my life.  I can put away my anxious fears and live in the moment all for God's glory!

Because I love the song so much and because I couldn't get it out of my head anyway, I decided to take some time for myself today, reflecting on God's sovereignty and glory, and record a video of this hymn for others to enjoy the truths of those great words!  Forgive the poor audio and the piano that needs to be tuned.  I recorded it on my voice memo app on my ipod while I played the piano and sang. :-)

Broken Down Fellowship

Lately, I have been convicted by my own lack of fellowship with God.  I have found that in the craziness of my mornings with getting the boys ready and off to school then getting house work done, important phone calls made, making it to doctor's appointments, running off to work, etc, oftentimes, my quiet time with the Lord gets totally ignored, is shortened, or is interrupted and forgotten.  Many times, that quiet time consists of spending time in God's Word then running off to accomplish the next thing on my to-do list totally forgetting the important aspect of prayer.

As I was greatly anticipating the day of prayer leading up to this past weekend, the thought struck me that my prayer life had become so shallow.  A relationship is built on communication, and granted, God was communicating to me through His Word, but really, was I taking time to communicate to Him?  Would I keep friends in this world if I never took the time to talk to them?  What if they were the ones always leaving me voice messages or emailing me or facebook messaging me, but I never took the time to contact them back.  Would I still have them as a friend?  I think not!  Good thing my God is Faithful!  My prayers of late had been a quick prayer to thank the Lord for my quick lunch, asking Him to help me to get a lot accomplished around the house as I scrambled to continue to work on another project while I ate.  I've been so pressured lately to get as much done as I can since I have been feeling better and have so much housework to catch up on since my house went to shambles while I was in so much pain for almost 3 months.  However, that is a sorry excuse for neglecting my relationship with God.  I am thankful that God has convicted me of this and that I am making strides to do better at spending more quality time in prayer!

I recently read the Acts of Faith series which is set in the time from Jesus' death to the conversion of Saul.  The authors did an amazing job researching the historical facts of the early Christians and creating fictitious characters.  I was really struck by the commitment to faith these early Christians had and how much of their lives revolved around proclaiming the Gospel and doing ministry.  This past Sunday, our pastor preached a great message from Acts 2:37-47 which really drove home what I got from these books.  The people being saved right after Pentecost were being baptized and were then DEVOTING themselves to

1. The preaching of the Word
2. The Fellowship
3. The breaking of bread
4. And to Prayer

These early believers would sell their possessions any time someone had a need.  Every day, they met together in the temple courts.  One thing I had learned from the book series I had read was that these early Christians were actually more dedicated to the daily prayers than the religious Jews in that often, they attended the noon prayer as well when many Jews did not.  The passage in Acts goes on to account that these believers also broke bread together in their homes and praised God.  Daily, God was saving more people!  Wow, what sweet fellowship!

Sadly, this way of life, is unheard of in our society today.  People too often, bemoan giving any money to the church even when there is a need.  People would rather sleep in on Sunday than go to Sunday School.  Going to the Sunday morning worship service is tiring enough, so they stay home instead of going to the evening service or Bible study.  If there is a mid-week service, forget that, because life is just too busy.  As for spending 6 hours for a day of prayer one day a year?  Too much of a sacrifice for most people!

I've also thought lately about people I have met personally who have been living testaments of being committed to God no matter the cost.  When I was in West Africa, I worshiped alongside people who had started walking before the sun came up to walk over a mountain and arrive at church 4 hours later in bare feet ready to worship with their brothers and sisters in Christ.  They do this every Sunday with gladness of heart! I have brothers and sisters in Christ who face persecution daily, lose jobs on a regular basis, pay 2-3 times the normal rent just because they call themselves a Christian and worship with believers on Sunday.  They run the risk of being killed by family members or others of the majority religion in their country.  Then there are others who I have not had the privilege of meeting personally who risk their lives to meet as a church underground because Christianity is illegal, but they are still committed to not forsaking the assembling of themselves together.  If these brothers and sisters can do it at great costs, why can't we when the only cost is convenience???? 

How can we even wonder why God doesn't seem to be working like He used to in the Bible times?  Why does it seem that souls are barely being added each year not to mention each day?  How can people even question God's goodness when something bad happens to them when they don't even give God any time of their day?  The problem is we have forgotten who God is because we have broken down our fellowship with Him.  We have forgotten that He is Holy, Just, Righteous, the Creator, Sovereign, Almighty, Ruler, etc.  We have become infected with the American "I"itis (my diagnosis of the current American culture stuck on itself) and think that we are good and deserving of rewards.  The Bible tells us that our righteousness is as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).  We are desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9) and incapable of doing anything good (Ephesians 2:1-3).  We are deserving of nothing but eternal damnation (Romans 6:23).  Praise God that He is gracious and merciful and that out of His love and goodness, He chose us before the world began and called us to be His children and shed His own Son's blood to clean us from our sins.  We stand justified and are totally undeserving of it.  Yet, how often, do we take it for granted and become ungrateful for it or even think we deserve more?

Psalm 51:10-12

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a rightb spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and uphold me with a willing spirit.