The Battle for Contentment

These last few, very long months have ushered in sorrow, hardship, darkness, and anguish of soul for our family.  Having a child with special needs is never easy, but having to care for a child with special needs when the world turns upside down, health services cease, and community supports are ripped away from you makes life feel impossible. 

A child with Autism thrives on structure and routine and knowing what to expect.  When things become outside of one's control, anxiety ravishes the mind and body.  Enter mid-March: school suddenly gets closed disrupting the weekly, daily schedule of school, mental health supports and therapies at school, and keeping the mind engaged. In home therapies must turn to virtual Zoom meetings. Our oldest's world was turned upside down thus turning our lives upside down.  His only hope was that he would be going to Allegany Boys Camp, a therapeutic wilderness residential program on April 1.  This young man valiantly tried to hold it together with the hope of having a schedule and not hearing about the chaos of the world once he got to camp.  Enter April: Two days before admission to camp, we got the anguishing phone call that the Maryland Health Department has shut down the camp and all boys are to remain home until it's deemed safe enough for them to return.  In that one moment, the one thread of hope keeping our son from coming unglued was ripped away from him resulting in the worst melt-down ever and the worst night of my life where I was truly unable to help my son in his anguish.  I will never forget the helpless feeling of that dark night when my son locked himself in his room threatening to kill himself and kill us if we came in.  His soul was being tormented, and he needed skilled mental help.  I called the crisis line and was told the most horrific thing: most ERs are not taking mental health patients right now due to the virus, and if we called around and found one, only the patient would be allowed in (by himself without a parent - impossible for a child with Autism!) and that psychiatric hospitals were not taking in new patients.  My only consolation according to the therapist was that if my son killed himself, I wouldn't be held liable.  That was supposed to ease my fears????  I felt my heart die that night.

During all of this time, Tim and I still had to work.  I was becoming more busy since births don't stop, and some moms were switching from hospital births to home births.  On top of it, I have been filling  in for another midwifery practice while that midwife was on maternity leave since the end of April (I had agreed counting on the fact that Josh would be at camp). The juggle of work, trying to keep Josh calm, and the guilt of neglecting David began to overwhelm me.  It didn't help that we couldn't just access the help of community supports as we've been able to do in the past, although we did enjoy times of reprieve going to Tim's parents' house in order to save our sanity. As weeks turned into a month plus with no hope of the camp reopening, it began to become harder to pray.  I felt like a broken record with my prayers never getting past the ceiling.  I was losing hope of deliverance.  The prayers of friends and family carried us through and were a lifeline to us.  My prayers for the camp to open faded into, "Lord Jesus, please return today or call us home to be with you!"  Hope of deliverance from this current suffering faded, and I found myself just trying to survive each day trusting that God's grace had to be sufficient for each day. 

Meditating through a Precepts study on Hope helped to sustain me and remind me that no suffering in this present world can take away the hope (certain expectation) I have of God's salvation.  I have to remind myself almost daily that

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - II Corinthians 4:16-18

These troubles do NOT feel light or momentary, and it is so easy to lose heart.  The daily violent meltdowns wear me down and rob me of joy and hope.  To see my son in anguish and my other son silently hurting in the chaos brings sorrow and anguish to my soul.  I get discouraged for feeling discouraged and losing hope.  Then I am reminded that I am not alone in those feelings.  After all, the Sons of Korah wrote:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:5 and repeated in Psalm 42:5 and 43:5

The NASB uses the phrase "why are you in turmoil within me" instead of "disturbed within me."  I think both translations appropriately describe the state of my soul.  Especially as bad went to worse resulting in our having to hospitalize our son once again (thankfully psychiatric hospitals are taking new patients out of necessity) just last week, I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one to feel so low and distressed and that even in the midst of such feelings, I can still hope in God and praise Him.

In these low times, I can remember:

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.  We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you." - Psalm 33:18-22

As I search my heart through all of this, I have found a huge obstacle in my sanctification process.  A dear sister and fellow sufferer in Christ sent me an encouraging email and reminded me of an important lesson that Paul had to learn that is essential for each of us to learn and that is to be content!  That reminder spoke directly to my heart! Paul says in Philippians 4:11, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."  He goes on to say in Philippians 4:12b-13, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." It is so hard to be content when daily life is such a battle.  My life is easy to what Paul endured, so if remembering that he can do all things through Christ who gives him strength, then so can I!  My new prayer is now, "Please help me to be content in the circumstances of today."  With daily news of this virus nonsense and resulting (and unnecessary and damaging shut-down, in my opinion), it is so hard to be content!  Yet, somehow, I have to keep on going and remembering that God is in control and working ALL things for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28).  I may not like how He's doing it, but I must find a way to be content in His sovereign will for my life and that of my family's.  I have to remember Paul's words from II Corinthians 4:17 (passage shared above) that my "light and momentary troubles are achieving for [me] an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."  That battle for contentment is real, but I must keep fighting!

Until I reach my eternal glory, I must

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12

I resolve so to do!

A Weary World Rejoices

Peace, Joy, Love, Good News, Hope—all are typical salutations and greetings that get tossed around as people wish one another Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays—words we so often take for granted yet don’t often take time to think about what they mean.

As another tough year comes to an end for our family, I have had to think very deeply about these words and seek to understand and see their meaning in our current circumstances.  For those who are currently or have recently experienced trials and hardships, these words may fall empty on them as well—perhaps it’s the death of a loved one or loss of a job, maybe it’s a rift in the family, or maybe it’s a serious health issue.  Can these words ring true even for these individuals?  After much reflection on that question along with what I learned from my women’s Bible study on I Peter I went to this Fall, I would emphatically say yes, those words can ring true if that individual is a believer.  Because I am a believer in Jesus Christ, they can ring true for me despite the deep, dark trials that seek to drown me.

PEACE – If you are in the midst of trials, how can you have peace?  We have the promise of Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”  Jesus gives us peace not as the world gives, but He gives peace so that we don’t have to have hearts that are troubled or afraid (John 14:27).  Philippians 4:5b-7 says: “…the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  In I Peter 3:11b-12a, Peter reminds us to “seek peace and pursue it.  The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears attend to their prayer.”  He goes on to tell us in 5:7 to “[cast—throw upon, give up to God] all your anxieties on [God], because he cares for us].”  Peter exhorts us throughout his first epistle to be humble in respect to God and all other relationships.  Here in chapter 5, he exhorts us to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God.  If we are humbling ourselves to God, we are giving Him complete control in our lives.  This has been a work in progress for me over this last year as I come to terms with not having control over the situations in my life and that of my family’s.  If I do humble myself and give complete control to God (which He already has whether I want Him to or not), then I can have peace.  I have no need to have anxiety or worry.  Peace is mine in the midst of my trials just as it was to the believers Peter was writing to who were aliens and strangers in a land where they were hiding from persecution.  Jesus came to this earth as a baby so that He can give and leave His peace with us (John 14:27).

JOY – The Bible commands us to REJOICE in suffering (Romans 5:3-4) and consider the various trials we face “pure joy” (James 1:2-4).  Our family is broken and hurting, our relationships are strained, we are filled with sadness and grief.  Why can I have joy in that?  I Peter tells me why:  God has called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light (I Peter 2:5); Christ died for my sins, the just for the unjust, to bring me to God (I Peter 3:18); and Jesus’ blood has removed the stain of my sin so I can stand before Him (I Peter 3:18).  So, I don’t need to be “surprised at the fiery ordeal” but can keep on rejoicing (I Peter 4:12-13).  After I “have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called [me] to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish” me (5:10).  No trial can rob me of the joy that comes through Christ who came to this world as a baby to bring Joy to this world.

LOVE – We know the betrayal of love on many levels, yet we are told to “keep fervent in [our] love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8).  God knew betrayed love.  We were created by Him in His image, yet we left our first love.  We rejected Him and chose sin.  Because of this betrayal, God had to send His only Son to Earth as a baby only to grow up and die for us so that we can be bought back (redeemed) and restored to our first love (justification).  This was love in action.  Jesus laid down His life so that we could live—love that took Him to the cross.  This love continues in the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in our lives as we are perfected so that one day, we will be glorified when we see God face to face.  I Peter is so rich in reminding us of the love that led to our justification, sanctification, and glorification.

GOOD NEWS – As news we have been receiving about our loved one becomes bleaker and more distressing, we find ourselves doubting that we will ever hear good news.  However, we have Good News in our life because of Christ.  We are “chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood,” which is why Peter can then say, “May grace and peace be yours to the fullest measure.” (I Peter 1:1-2).  Because God chose us, we are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession so that [we] may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called [us] out of darkness into His marvelous light” (I Peter 2:9), and we come to Christ as a “living stone…choice and precious in the sight of God” (I Peter 2:4).  The Good News of great joy that the angels came to share with the shepherds was that a Savior, Christ the Lord and God in flesh has been born.  Jesus has come to rescue His people!  As John Piper so eloquently reminded us in his devotional “Christmas Solidarity:”

Christmas is good news for man and good news for God.
"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners" (I Timothy 1:15).  That’s good news for us.
"The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil" (I John 3:8).  That is also good news for God.”

Jesus came to lead a revolt against Satan.  That revolt started at his birth, and that is GREAT NEWS for us! Mary and Joseph were told to call their Son “Jesus,” “for He will save His people from their sins” and “Immanuel,” which means “God with us” (Matthew 1:21, 23).  We don’t just have Good News, we have GREAT NEWS, and nothing can take that away from us!

HOPE – Life’s circumstances may leave you feeling utterly hopeless at times, but no matter how dark our day or deep our valley, we as believers always have hope.  This hope is the “joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation” (Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).  We are “born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for [us]” (I Peter 1:3b-4).  In this we “greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary [we] have been distressed by various trials so that the proof of [our] faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:6-7).  Therefore, we can “fix [our] hope [confident and joyful expectation] completely on the grace to be brought to [us] at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:13b).  Hope that the Jews had in the coming of a Messiah was fulfilled in the birth of the baby Jesus.  Our Hope for salvation began at that same baby’s birth, and we look forward to the day it will be fulfilled at His second coming!

Who knew I Peter could give insight into the blessings of Christmas?  I sure didn’t until I spent these last several months digging deep into the book allowing God to use it to remind me of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in Him that I have through Christ.  As you celebrate Christ’s birth this Christmas, I pray you are reminded of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope you have in Christ, and if you don’t yet have these, I pray that you find this great Savior for yourself so that you too can know and forever have His peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in your life!

Merry Christmas!  God be praised!

Love That Will Never Let Me Go

As I mentioned in my post "Waiting for the Morning," I have been realizing and experiencing the depths of God's love in a deeper and more meaningful way as I walk the current rocky path of trials.  Some songs about God's love have been in my head and heart and often on my voice as I go about my duties day to day helping me to carry on in joy and hope and in the comfort of God's very real and rich love.  God's Love is ENOUGH!  I don't need anything else in this world.

There are no circumstances -- good or bad-- and no places in this world we can find ourselves in where God's love can't reach us.  God's love is an unwavering and all-powerful love that embraces the very essences of our beings, holding us close, and never letting us go.  No matter where you find yourself today, reflect and meditate on God's Wondrous, Deep, Deep Love that will never let you go!

"Oh the Deep, Deep Love" 

By Bob Kauflin 

VERSE 1 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free 

Rolling as a mighty ocean 

In its fullness over me 

Underneath me, all around me 

Is the current of Your love 

Leading onward, leading homeward 

To Your glorious rest above 

CHORUS 

Oh the deep, deep love 

All I need and trust

Is the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

VERSE 2 

Spread His praise from shore to shore 

How He came to pay our ransom 

Through the saving cross He bore 

How He watches o’er His loved ones

Those He died to make His own 

How for them He’s interceding 

Pleading now before the throne 

VERSE 3 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Far surpassing all the rest 

It’s an ocean full of blessing 

In the midst of every test 

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus 

Mighty Savior, precious Friend 

You will bring us home to glory 

Where Your love will never end 

"O Wondrous Love" 

By Steve and Vicki Cook 

VERSE 1

O wondrous love that will not let me go 

I cling to You with all my strength and soul 

Yet if my hold should ever fail 

This wondrous love will never let me go 

VERSE 2 

O wondrous love that’s come to dwell in me 

Lord who am I that I should come to know 

Your tender voice assuring me 

This wondrous love will never let me go

CHORUS 

I’m resting in the everlasting arms 

In the ever faithful heart 

The Shepherd of my life 

You’ll carry me on Your mighty wings of grace 

Keeping me until the day

 I look into Your eyes 

VERSE 3 

O wondrous love that sings of Calvary 

The sweetest sound this sinner’s ever known 

The song of Your redeeming Son 

Whose wondrous love will never let me go 

VERSE 4

O wondrous love that rushes over me 

I can’t escape this river’s glorious flow

You overwhelm my days with good 

Your wondrous love will never let me go 

"My Redeemer's Love" 

By Joel Sczebel, Jordan Kauflin, Mark Altrogge 

VERSE 1

My Redeemer’s love is deeper 

Than the depths of sin and hell 

He who was enthroned in glory 

Came to bring us to Himself

My Redeemer’s love is wider 

Than the breach my sins had made 

He reached down into my darkness

 He alone has pow’r to save

CHORUS 1

 Deeper than the rolling seas 

Higher than the mountain peaks

 Your love is all I need 

VERSE 2 

My Redeemer’s love is stronger 

Than my fiercest enemies 

He will hold me in the tempest 

Through the flood He carries me 

My Redeemer’s love will lead me 

Through the deepest valley here 

He will shepherd me and guide me 

He will ever keep me near

CHORUS 2 

Deeper than the rolling seas

 Higher than the mountain peaks 

Your love is all I need 

Stronger than the rushing wind 

Shattering the power of sin 

Your love is all I need

VERSE 3 

My Redeemer’s love grows sweeter 

As eternity draws near

 I’ll enjoy His love forever 

At His throne for endless years 

My Redeemer’s love will fill me 

On the day I see His face

I will love Him back forever 

And forever sing His praise

Learning to be Content

Last month, I had the pleasure and blessing of attending a women's retreat where I was truly ministered to through the sessions digging into God's Word and exposing our obsessions with self and comfort that are preventing us from flourishing.  The music was also so spiritually challenging and was so cohesive with the truths being presented and did a great job pointing us to God reminding us of his sovereignty, love, and care.

As I had mentioned in my blog post "Waiting for the Morning," God has been convicting me of my lack of contentment.  The depths of my discontentment were exposed at this women's retreat.  The speaker at the retreat was author and Crossway editor Lydia Brownback, and each women was given one of her devotional books she has written on various topics.  The book I happened to get was on Contentment.  I laughed at God's sovereignty in that when I simply chose the packet in which the book was beautifully tucked based on the green cover I saw (my favorite color is green).

I have been meditating on the devotionals since then and working hard to be content on a daily basis.  I have far to go, but I am making progress and experiencing greater daily joy as a result in a shift in my focus--upward not inward or outward.

When comparing the present to the past and future, Lydia says, "[The present] is better because God is the one who brought us where we are today.  And the God who led us here is good, kind, and let's not forget, purposeful.  Everything he does in our lives, everywhere he leads us, is designed to fulfill his primary intention for us, which is to know him better.  Contentment does not lie around the next corner.  It is not waiting for us on the other side of today's difficulty, nor is it lost with yesterday.  Contentment is where God is, and God is with us today" (Contentment by Lydia Brownback, p. 24).

Earlier in the book, Lydia says, "Contentment in the valleys comes when we stop fighting so hard to climb out.  God is the one who leads us into the valleys, and he will lead us back out in his time.  God ordains valleys for our good; why else would a good and kind God allow them?  Trusting God in our hard times is the way to contentment--not just trusting him to get us out, but trusting his goodness while we are still in them" (Contentment by Lydia Brownback, p. 16).

The truths of these words were enough to knock the wind out of me and make me really reflect on how I was living my day to day life.  I have continued to trust God in the hard times.  I learned from an early age of trials to not let difficulties rob me of my trust in God.  However, what I have been failing to do is look at the hard times through the lens that God would have me view them.  I am not content in the hard times.  I am often distracted with praying for them to end quickly and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel that I don't realize what God is doing in me in the moment.  After all, James 1:2-4, 12 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  The process within the trials has purpose, and I am missing that truth too often because I am too busy fighting the process!

Hebrews 13:5b says to "be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Going back to the phrases I find myself saying often these days: "God is ENOUGH!"  or "God's God this!"  I conclude as this verse promises -- God is with me, and He will never let me go.  As I shared one of my favorite songs in my post "Waiting for the Morning," God will hold me fast.  I CAN be content in being kept in His wondrous care just as Paul says in Philippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Many of you are aware of the current situation with our oldest especially if you have read my post "Learning to Let it All Go."  Things with him continue to get more difficult, and he is becoming more hardened toward God and his faith in Him.  We are very concerned about his spiritual state.  Our prayers are often pleas with God to hold onto his heart and not let him go.

I read Jen Wilkin's book None Like Him last Fall.  It's a book that digs deeply into the incommunicable attributes of God and how we often vainly try to take on those attributes ourselves.  That book totally changed the depth of how I view God and his majesty and awesomeness and convicted me in so many ways.  I turn back to that book frequently to be reminded of who God is and who I am.  Not too long ago, as we were really struggling with our concerns about Josh's spiritual state and current rebellion against God, this statement by Jen jumped out at me: "We cannot create hope where there is hopelessness...We cannot create repentance where there is unrepentance, but we can cry out to the God who can." I can be content that I am resting in the one and only Self-existent, Creator-God who is fully capable in continuing His miraculous work of redemption and sanctification not only in my life but in my son's life as well.

Tim and I spend some time each night having devotions together as a couple.  As part of our devotions, we use the Tabletalk devotional booklet.  I love what Dr. James Harvey III said in his devotional for May 5-6 called "Rediscovering Contentment," and I have made his statement my resolve:  "I am going to lead the life the Lord has assigned to me, the life to which God has called me.  I am going to find satisfaction and joy in Christ, whether in a season of trial or blessing" (p. 37).

Sharing in the Sufferings of Christ at Christmas

Sufferings of Christ at Christmas? Yes, you read that right!  We all get caught up in the joy of Christmas, that most of us--me included--don't tend to think about the suffering and sorrow that occurred on that first Christmas.  This Christmas is a different story for our family, and while the sorrow and suffering has been difficult, it has provided a whole new and refreshing perspective on Christmas for us.

If you have ever lost a loved one and had to go through Christmas without that special someone or struggled with a significant physical ailment or care for a family member with special needs, you too may be able to relate with the sufferings of Christ during Christmas as well.  If you don't fall into any of those categories, it would be healthy for you to contemplate some of these thoughts I'd like to share with you.

Let's set aside the excitement and joy that comes naturally at the thought of Christ's birth because a Savior was born to us giving us the hope of eternal life.  Instead, let's think about what God Himself experienced that first Christmas!  Think about it:  Jesus--God in flesh--gave up the comforts of heaven, the presence and fellowship with His triune Godhead to  physically dwell with humanity on this earth.  He left His exalted throne in heaven to lie in a lowly feeding trough.  His first breath on earth brought him the smells of animals and hay.  He knowingly laid aside the right to be worshipped as God to be rejected by the people He created and came to save.  He came to this earth knowing He had to suffer and die because He was the only rescuer of our souls.  Leaving heaven, a place where there are no tears, pain, or disease, He came to this earth to experience sorrow, heartbreak, physical and emotional pain, and sicknesses just like any other human being.  God the Father sacrified His own Son, and that sacrifice began that first Christmas.  There had to be heartache and sorrow for Mary as she held her precious baby in her arms knowing the prophecies of the prophets and what Gabriel told her.  Instead of the joy of your precious baby, there was a shadow of the suffering her baby would experience on her behalf. Eight days after giving birth to her baby, she was reminded of that with the prediction of Simeon in the temple.  Are you starting to get the picture?

Paul in Philippians 3:10 says, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings..." We are getting a new perspective in the fellowship of his sufferings this year.

Our family knows suffering, and this year has been full of it -- more on that in my next blog post.  If you heard about our significant trial over Thanksgiving, you know that suffering has been very recent and that it continues as I continue to undergo tests and see specialists as we try to figure out how to get me back to health.  Having missed Thanksgiving, I wanted Christmas, which is also my favorite holiday of the year, to be extra special.  However, no matter how much I prayed and tried to feel better and made plans for Christmas, all of our usual traditions and special family times were missed or fell short of usual expectations because some days, I could barely get off the couch or out of bed.  As I type this, I am viewing our 1/3 of the way decorated Christmas tree that I so desperately wanted to see finished, and it's Christmas Eve!  Christmas shopping? -- still not finished.  We got the essentials done for our Christmas get together with Tim's family today at least.  I finished that on Friday, and we got the remaining few gifts for our sons in the mail yesterday. 

Our 1/3 decorated Christmas tree

Christmas day is a special time to be together as a family, and here, as we prepare for tomorrow, we have our oldest living at a residential treatment facility due to issues with puberty conflicting with his Autism and Bipolar, and our youngest is spending the night at his grandparents' house so that Tim and I can go up and visit with our oldest for two hours on Christmas.  We are grateful that he was allowed to join us for the Russell Christmas get together for eight hours today! That was a blessing!  Christmas is not feeling like Christmas.  I don't even get to enjoy participating in all of the usual festivities because being up and around causes shortness of breath and chest pain and fatigue.  Joy and excitement and motivation to celebrate? - that's a bit lacking this year!

Our only family picture from today

We have been reading through Paul Tripp's Advent devotional called Come Let Us Adore Him that a sweet friend gifted to us. It has been a blessing and encouragement to us in more ways than one. Paul Tripp brings out the sorrow and suffering of that first Christmas which really resonated with me and encouraged me that I can still experience Christmas and even experience it in a deeper way than I ever have before. Paul says, "The Christmas story reminds us that hopelessness is the only door to true and eternal hope...It's true that hope isn't a thing; it's a person, and his name is Immanuel. Celebrate hope this Christmas" (Tripp, p. 93).

I heard someone say just tonight that you can't experience true joy until you've experienced true suffering.  That is so true.  Despite our current suffering, we do have joy that this is all temporary and that we have a sure hope of eternity with God all because Christ was willing to come to this earth to suffer as a baby and grow up only to die for our sins.  Because of His suffering that started that first Christmas, we can look forward to no more suffering for all of eternity.  His suffering brought us hope!  As we suffer, we cling to that hope, and joy bubbles up as a result.  Because of His birth, God can turn our mourning into dancing lights; He can wipe away our tears; He can be our God of all comfort; and we can enjoy His peace that surpasses all understanding.

This Christmas, we find comfort in our sorrow, we are knowing Christ in a deeper way in His sufferings, and we still can celebrate the hope of what His birth means to us. It may not be a "Merry Christmas," but it remains a HOPE-filled Christmas!

We wish each of you a Blessed and Hope-filled Christmas!

Encouraging Thoughts to Help You Carry On

Being a caregiver for a special needs person is not for the faint of heart.  It can be exhausting, emotionally draining, and often, it can seem repetitive and rewardless.  It's been twelve years since we started on our special needs journey with our first son and 10 years with our second son.  While we have seen remarkable changes over all of those years, when we are in the day in and day out toil, it often feels as if our efforts are in vain.  The day to day progress seems nonexistent and the step back for every two steps forward is disheartening.

Of late, I have become weary of the same conversations over and over again helping our son with Autism know how to appropriately act in various social situations and when given non-preferred directives.  I feel like a broken record on a daily basis, and it seems no matter what I say or do or how encouraged I am after a conversation, my time and energy spent in helping my son is in vain because either the same day or the next, he ends up doing exactly what we discussed he shouldn't do.  It can be infuriating to say the least.

It is times like these that I am so grateful that I am not on this journey alone but that I have my great God and Savior right there with me encouraging me forward, strengthening me to finish each day, and carrying me when I can no longer walk on my own.  Time spent in God's Word and in prayer  refreshes and nourishes me daily.  God-centered music daily ministers to my heart speaking God's truth into my mind.  Conversations with people who love and accept me and my family the way we are, who are willing to walk with us in our not-so-pretty daily lives, and treat us without judgment help my burdens to not be so unbearable and help me to not feel so alone.

If you know someone who cares for someone with special needs, I encourage you to reach out and be a blessing.  Don't judge.  Get involved in their messy, daily lives and love them with God's love.  Send an encouraging note with an encouraging Scripture verse or passage.  Don't ask "How can I help?" but instead ask "When can I come over and help with housework or care for the kids or bring over a meal?"

Sometimes, when struggles pile up, it's easy to get overwhelmed and discouraged.  Necessary daily tasks become repetitive and meaningless.  Sometimes we need a reminder that the mundane is not for nothing and that we are involved in Kingdom work.  After all, a large part of Jesus' ministry on this earth was ministering to those with special needs.

Some encouraging Scripture passages that help me keep going include:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights" - Habakkuk 3:17-19.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail" - Isaiah 58:11

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." - Lamentations 3:19-26

Some songs that have really ministered to me in my hardest of days include:

"Blessings" by Laura Story

"He Will Hold Me Fast" by Keith & Kristyn Getty

"Grace" by Carolyn Hamlin

"Day by Day" a hymn written by Lina Sandell and translated by A. L. Skoog; music by: Oscar Ahnfeldt

No matter how hopeless a situation, our hope rests in God alone.  He is our strength and salvation.  He is our sovereign designer who is working all things together for our good and His glory!

The Greatest Valentine

As I left the house yesterday morning on Valentine's Day heading to work, I enjoyed the Valentine God sent me in the form of a beautiful sunrise.  The sky was painted in the most brilliant and vibrant pink colors.  As my eyes drank in the beauty of God's Valentine for me at that moment, it made me think about how God has given me the Greatest Valentine in the form of His precious Son and all of the lavish gifts He has given me since His Son.

His love for me was poured out as Jesus' blood ran down his body as He hung on the cross innocent of any wrong-doing but bearing my filthy sins on His body and taking my punishment.

His love is poured out for me when He sees me as holy and just because He sees me through His victorious and Holy Son.

His love is poured out for me on a daily basis as he sovereignly controls my daily events to make me more like Him.  Even the mundane tasks that demand my time and attention are a result of His love.

His love is poured out for me through the many blessings He gives me when I deserve only punishment.

His love is poured out for me in the grace He gives me as I walk through the waters and the fires of life's trials that only make me come out more refined as gold.

His love is poured out for me when I daily open His Word - His Love Letter to me - to hear from Him, learn more about Him, and grow to be like Him.  Yesterday, I stumbled upon the verse Zephaniah 3:17 and was awed by the demonstration of love in it.  As God, He has every right to damn me to eternal hell, but yet, instead of rebuking me, He chooses to REJOICE OVER ME with SINGING!  After all of the countless times I have held my precious boys close to my heart and sang over them to comfort them, to make them happy, to help them know they were loved, my great God does the same thing to me!  What an amazing thought!

His love is poured out for me when I spend time in prayer fellowshipping with him, praising Him, and lifting requests before His powerful throne of grace.

His love is poured out for me through the love of my husband who works so hard to provide for me, pitches in around the house to make my life easier, and loves our boys.

His love is poured out for me through my two boys as He molds and shapes their hearts, as they give me hugs and kisses, and as I clean up after them.

His love is poured out for me through the joy I get from music whether it's playing the piano, singing, helping my boys with their instrument practices, or simply listening to worship music.

His love is poured out for me through the friends who take time to notice, to pray, to spend time with me, to lend a helping hand.

His love is poured out for me through the chances to be the Gospel in someone's life and to see the universal church grow and flourish.

Yep, I have the greatest Valentine ever, and He is my great God!  The most amazing and wonderful thing is that He can be yours too!  If He is not already your Valentine, make Him yours today!  I'd love to help you do just that if you don't know how!

In Total Submission

In March, I was struck by the example of Christ in His submission to God, His Father, while He lived here on Earth as I sat in our monthly church's ladies' Bible study discussing a chapter on submission and godliness from Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barabara Hughes, the book we are currently reading.  I was severely convicted by the ways in which I fail to truly submit to Christ my King.

Barbara writes: "The message of the Bible is clear: Jesus Christ is Lord!  It's a fact.  Bringing our lives into submission to His will in everything is the key to being a godly woman.  It is also the path to joy."  Later she also writes: "It is the love of God that motivates us to follow Christ's example and enables us to loosen our grip on our plans for our lives, placing ourselves squarely under God's loving rule each day.....We can fully entrust ourselves to our Father's beautiful plan for us."

As I read those words, I realized with frightening clarity that I don't submit to God's will in EVERYTHING and that I have a strong grip on my plans for my life and that I really don't FULLY entrust myself to my Father's plan for me.

The last few years have been especially frustrating for me.  I have such a deep desire to serve God through overseas missions.  I firmly believe that He has called me to be a missionary and that is His will for my life.  However, when we made plans to apply through Mission to the World to go into full-time foreign missions and pursued serving in Bulgaria a few years ago, we felt as is our lives came crashing down around us forcing us to come to a screeching halt in our application process and abandon all hope of going to a foreign field any time soon.  David's health had worsened to the point where he required weekly antibody transfusions.  Josh's struggle with Autism and a newly developing mood disorder made him quite unstable.  I was bedridden for 3 straight months with a migraine doctors could not control or figure out which also led to the discovery of a brain lesion.  Tim had his own battles.

Needless to say, my trust in God was shaken.  God had been slowly leading us along this missions path for years, and finally the doors were wide open.  We found ourselves walking through them frighteningly fast only to get through several and have the next door slam in our face.  How could God do this? Why was Satan winning this battle? In my desire to have answers and get to God's plan for my life, I picked up the pieces of my life lying around me and tried to manipulate circumstances, details, people, and ultimately God to make things work.

Obviously, my efforts got me nowhere closer to my end goal, but God used that time to teach me volumes of truths about Him.  Satan wins only if I lose all hope in God and my desire to serve as a missionary.  God is not finished preparing me for foreign ministry.  I am a missionary right where God has me and in the midst of life's struggles and THROUGH my struggles.  Now three years later, I finally come to the realization that God's ULTIMATE will for my life is for me to live in total submission trusting Him in all things.  It's been a hard lesson to learn but so important.

After that Bible study in March, I began seriously praying asking God to change my heart and help me release my grip on my life and live in total submission abandoning all hope in myself and my abilities and fully relying on Him and Him alone.  As the weeks have passed, I have felt weights fall off of my shoulders.  I feel light enough to soar like an eagle.  I have a greater joy in my heart than I have felt in a very long time.  I don't feel as stressed nor do I feel as anxious.

Being a person who likes to plan ahead and know what to expect and have control of circumstances (yes, I can partially relate with Josh in his own struggles with this due to his Autism), this has not been an easy thing for me to do.  I pray for help daily to place myself "under God's loving rule each day."  Some days, especially when the stress increases, I start to reclaim the grip on my life.  That's when I pray harder asking God to help me keep my hands off of His responsibilities.

There is no better place to be than in total submission of my Maker, King, and Father.  No matter the circumstances around me, I have joy, peace, and God's blessings.  I pray that God will continue to help me live out this important lesson.

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4:7-8

Testifying to the Good News of God's Grace

I have been completely refreshed and encouraged by my recent personal study through the book of Acts in the Bible.

• I was reminded anew of God's amazing sovereignty over people and events.  It truly is amazing to read about how God moved people to be in certain places at certain times to have providential meetings with others so that the Gospel can be shared and God can be glorified in and through it. There truly is no such thing as a chance meeting, for all meetings are orchestrated by God!  
• It was encouraging to see that God rescued His saints when He felt it was necessary, but He also allowed them to face various and often difficult trials as well.  In the end, it was all for the furtherance of the Gospel.  Many times, it was the persecutions and hard times in which the Gospel went forth in a greater way.
• I also thoroughly enjoyed reading about the places Paul traveled throughout the region which is now Turkey, knowing that I probably walked on the same soil on which Paul walked so long ago.

The blessings of Acts helped to renew my fervor in keeping the faith, continuing the race, and keeping my eyes on the finish line of life.

I was struck anew by Paul's view of his purpose in life and His fervor to do what God had called him to do no matter what difficulties he faced until the Lord was finished with him:  

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."

~Acts 20:24 NIV~

This verse has become a new life verse for me as I remember that no matter what struggles and difficulties I face in life, all I need to do is complete the task that God has given me: 

Testify to the good news of God's grace!

If I can do that until God calls me home, then I have been successful and nothing else truly matters.  

Taken from Facebook.com/Zondervan

A Lesson Learned

This week, as I continue to read the book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change by Paul David Tripp, I learned a great lesson about myself and the trials of this past month.  I thought I would share it in case anyone else is like me and needs to learn this lesson.

The difficult struggles we had with Josh this past month and the consequential repercussions in which we were dealing with David, Tim and I found ourselves in pure survival mode.  We talked about how wonderful Heaven will be when all of these struggles will be behind us.  We longed for the Lord to return and take us from our misery.  My prayer each morning was, "God give me the strength and grace I need to get through this day."

Tripp says in his Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands book the following:

Many people in the midst of a struggle live as if they were spiritually homeless.  They live the same survivalist, distracted, fearful, escapist, and "for the moment" existence.  They do not think about growth and change or pursue the good things that are their inheritance as children of God.  They just get through the day.  They live as if they were poor, when in fact, they are amazingly rich.

When we live with a poverty identity, the problem is not that we ask too much of the Father, but that we settle for too little.  We settle for hammering together some kind of spiritual survival with the hope that things will be better in eternity.  But the Bible never presents our life on earth as a meaningless time of waiting for the good stuff that comes later.  The biblical model of waiting is not simply about what you will get at the end of your wait, but about who you will become as you wait...(p. 263-264).

Tripp is talking about me!  I had the survivalist, distracted, "for the moment" existence for the month of November.  I walked, lived, and breathed in my survival mode.  Instead of praying that God would use the current struggles to grow me in Him, make me a more usable instrument, or teach me truths about Him, I just prayed that God would help me survive and that the trials would end sooner rather than later.

I pray that this lesson I have now learned will stick with me, and as we continue to struggle through various issues with our boys and life, that I will remember to access the wealth that God has to offer NOW and ask God to use my trials to make me more like Him and use me in other people's lives to help point them to Christ.  I am glad that despite my failures and weaknesses, God can still use me and grow me.  He is at work daily in my life crafting me into a masterpiece!

Instruments of God's Love in the Redemption Story

I've begun reading the book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands:  People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change by Paul David Tripp.  A friend of mine had recommended it to me, and it's been really great so far even though I have much of the book yet to read.

This week, I read a great section which dealt with the fact that all of us as Christians are meant to be useful tools in God's very large toolbox.  However, we too often, think that God has a very small toolbox made up of people who are skilled for ministry and counseling and such.  We forget the fact that God uses the common and ordinary most of the time to fulfill His purposes.

Paul reminds the Corinthian believers and us:

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
(1 Corinthians 1:26-31 ESV)

There is a paragraph from chapter 2 in Tripp's book that really struck me hard and is just too good to not share:

"Embedded in the larger story of redemption is a principle we must not miss: God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things in the lives of others.  What mission board, what ministry, what local church would use the people God used in Scripture?  There was Moses (an exiled murderer), Gideon (fearful and hiding), David (the shepherd boy with no military training), Peter (who publicly denied Christ), and Paul (persecuter of the church), to name a few.  Along with these are untold numbers of little people God used in big ways to fulfill his plan on earth.  God never intended us to simply be the objects of his love.  We are also called to be instruments of that love in the lives of others."  (Tripp, p. 18)

After being reminded of this, I have no excuse for my feelings of inadequacy.  God can use me as I am.  He wants to use me!

Lord, let me be a pliable tool ready for Your use at all times.  Please give me the confidence in You to complete the work You give me.  Thank you for loving me, and thank you for choosing to use me to be an instrument of love to those around me.  Amen.

Reminding ourselves of the TRUTH!

How often, Satan takes advantage of our hard and dark times of life to feed us his lies.  When we are in this vulnerable position, it often is easy to buy into those lies and allow them to pervade the truth.  We might refute the lies at first, forcing Satan to get clever.  He does not give in easily and will even use the good things in life to make us question and start to doubt.  We must stand resolute and not let Satan win!  We must remind ourselves of the TRUTH!

God's Word is TRUTH!  Spending time in God's Word daily will help us to remember the truth.  Often, we need to read the same truths over and over again to truly believe them and to be able to access them to refute the lies Satan is feeding us.  We need to remember to always evaluate our thoughts and feelings through the truths of the Bible.  Is my thought God's truth or Satan's lie?  Is my feeling a result of God's truth or Satan's lie?  I have been finding myself asking these questions quite frequently lately.  I must stand strong.  I can't let Satan win.  The TRUTH of God's Word must stand victorious in my life!

As life overwhelms me, I am reminded of God's TRUTH, and I refute my circumstances, thoughts, and feelings with it!  I find that it helps me to write my thoughts and feelings down so that I can visually discern what is TRUTH and what is not.  This helps me tremendously as I seek to glorify God in my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

My Faithful Friend

By Christine Russell

Life has come crumbling down around me.
You stand behind me picking up the pieces.
The darkness envelops me making me stumble.
You go before me leading me on solid ground.
The burdens of life press down on me so that I fall.
You put your arms under me and carry me on.
I am all alone in my grief, without a friend.
You stand beside me offering Your hand.

You are my faithful Friend bringing me to an expected end.
You never fail me. Your grace sustains me.
You are the only one I can trust. I rest in Your love.
You are my faithful Friend.

My heart cries in the midst of my deepest struggles.
You hear my pain and offer comfort.
I find myself alone with no one to understand.
You remind me You know me better than I know myself.
There is no one to listen when I just need to talk.
You are always present ready to hear my prayers.
The storm rages around me threatening my life.
You offer peace and joy in the midst of it.

You are my faithful Friend bringing me to an expected end.
You never fail me. Your grace sustains me.
You are the only one I can trust. I rest in Your love.
You are my faithful Friend.

There is none like You. I do not deserve someone like You.
Yet, you embrace me; You protect me; You sustain me.
I am not faithful. I am not loving. I am not grateful.
Yet, You forgive me; You uphold me; You accept me.
You love me, my faithful Friend!

(c) 2011 Christine Russell.

New Life of Spring

Once again, God brought my attention to Isaiah 61 (see Renewing the World post for previous thoughts)  through a completely different and unexpected way yesterday. This time, God opened my eyes to the richness of verse 11.

Isaiah 61:11 ~ For as the earth brings forth its sprouts, and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up, so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to sprout up before all the nations.

What an awesome truth to meditate on! I have been absolutely LOVING watching life spring up in my flower gardens as well as my vegetable garden. With each green and vibrant leaf that unfurls itself, I am reminded of God’s incredible design in nature. No matter how dead plants may seem during the dreariness of the winter, life is renewed and springs forth once again after a season as Spring awakens a new life cycle. Plant life can resemble our spiritual lives many times. Just when our spiritual life may seem its bleakest, God’s work, many times unnoticed by us, awakens our heart and brings new life and growth of "Spring" (in a spiritual sense).

As I anticipate our trip to Bulgaria in search of the ministry that God has planned for our family, I am frequently thinking about the dark and dreary world of lost souls we live in. Bulgaria is a hurting country left with hearts that are bitter and untrusting from the marks of Communism that it was just released from in 1989. According to the 2010 Operation World data, only 1.9% of the population is Evangelical Christian. However, despite the darkness, God is miraculously working in the hearts of the Bulgarian people, and new growth is being seen all over the country. Just like the earth brings forth its sprouts, God is causing righteousness and praise to sprout up before all the nations, including Bulgaria. After a long and hard winter, Spring has come, and souls are being saved! God is at work in the hearts of His chosen people, and I am blessed to witness this new life and be a part of it!

Renewing the World

Since Tim and I were dating, we started the habit of doing devotions together as a couple.  Since marriage, we've made that a daily commitment in addition to our personal devotions and now, our family devotions.  We've been reading through the entire Bible over and over again by reading together a chapter a day then read the daily reading from Tabletalk (If you have never heard of this devotional magazine, we HIGHLY recommend it. The daily and weekend readings are so full of the richness of God's Word and challenge us regularly.).

Last night during our devotional time together, we read Isaiah 61 which talks about the Messianic preacher who obviously was fulfilled in Jesus Christ.  The richness of the first 3 verses (read them below) really stood out to me as I meditated on them and realized that just as Jesus Christ fulfilled this prophecy and through these actions, renewed the world, we too are called to follow Jesus and do the same.  It excited me to think about the fact that not only do I need to carry out this responsibility on a daily basis with the people God brings across my path as I go about my daily routine, but God is calling me to carry out this mandate in a country where God is not known or His Word regularly proclaimed.  What a responsibility!  At times, it seems overwhelming to think about, but then other times, I feel so inadequate of such a responsibility.  I praise the Lord for choosing to use this weak and broken vessel called "Christine" for His purposes and ultimately, for His glory!  I accept this calling with joy and am willing to take the mountain top experiences as well as the valleys that will come along with it.    

God has been using moments like this to reaffirm His calling for my life.  Sometimes it comes in passages of Scriptures like this one.  Other times, it's a song that I hear.  A few times, it has been something someone has said to me or something I heard.  At times, it was something one of my children said or did.  No matter how God chooses to work, He is at work changing my heart of stone into flesh and confirming His will in my life.  What a comfort!

Isaiah 61:1-3: The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor; 
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.