Waiting for the Morning

Sometimes, I feel as if I am suffocating as I drown in our trials and sorrows that seem to come in continuous waves over my head.  Other times, I feel that I am just about to the top ready to pop my head above the water and gasp for a breath of air.  I haven't experienced the comforts on being on the other side in quite a while, but I'm learning that it's okay because God's got me where He wants me, and He will hold me fast!

As the wearying months go by one by one, I find comfort in phrases and songs that the Holy Spirit brings to my mind always at just the right times to keep me going.  Scripture continues to be a solace daily where passages I read end up being just what I needed to read to carry me through yet another day.

• For the last year and a half, one of my favorite songs has been "He Will Hold Me Fast" sung by the Gettys (ORIGINAL WORDS VV 1-2 BY ADA HABERSHONNEW WORDS AND MUSIC BY MATT MERKER©2013 GETTY MUSIC PUBLISHING (BMI) / MATT MERKER MUSIC (BMI) (ADMIN BY MUSICSERVICES.ORG).  It has been a comfort at many points throughout the darkest of times.  David and I recorded it a little while ago to encourage my grandmother who was struggling with health issues.  As you listen to the words, you will understand why it can bring anyone who is a child of God comfort.

• I have been realizing God's love in a new and real way lately, and some powerful songs have really helped turn my eyes upward to my great God whose deep, deep love never ends and that will never let me go.  More on that in my blog post "Love That Will Never Let Me Go."
• I long for the morning, for light at the end of the tunnel, for newness.  These verses of the morning bring comfort to my heart and hope for each day:

• Psalm 30:5b (ESV) - "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
• Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV) - "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
• Psalm 130: 5,6 (ESV) - "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning."
• Yet as I long for the morning, God has really convicted me lately about my contentment or I should say lack of it!  I am prone to long and wait for the morning, but I need to make being content in all circumstances--including the difficult and dark ones that don't ever seem to end--my daily practice.  I'm starting to get it, but it's definitely a work in progress.  More about that in my blog post "Learning to be Content."
• "God's Got This" or "God is Enough" - I can't tell you how many times a day, I say these phrases in my head reminding me of the reality of my circumstances.  I honestly don't know how I could continue on if I didn't have God or if He didn't have total control of my daily circumstances.

As I wait for the morning, I will find comfort that I am being held fast by my great God who is so full of love and has perfect control of my circumstances.  In the good and the bad, I will chose to praise God and say, "Blessed Be Your Name!"

"Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out, I'll 
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll 
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name...

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

God you give and take away
Oh you give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name"

Words by Matt Redman

Autism Awareness Month 2018

Autism is so encompassing.  It consumes a family's time, energy, strength, sanity, and heart.  As our son moved into his puberty years last year, we saw it wreak havoc in his life and, subsequently, our family's lives.  What parent hasn't feared the puberty stage and all of the wild hormones that come with it for any pubescent kid?  Add that to a kid who already struggles to live in this world, and you've got trouble!  Because our son also struggles with various other mental health issues (a common struggle for those on the spectrum), you add those into the mix, and you've got utter trouble and chaos to battle with on a daily basis.  We had been warned by many specialists that puberty would be tough, but we never expected it to be this bad.

Things were going rather well leading up to the onset of puberty.  Josh was doing extremely well and remained stable off of all drugs for almost a year thanks to the use of essential oils and supplements and dietary changes.  He was so stable that we decided to take our whole family on a missions trip in April of last year.  He did exceptionally well the whole time we were there given all of the sensory overload; the constant change of routine and daily plans; the very long days; and all of the new sights, smells, and language.  In fact, he LOVED it there!  So much so, that we came home, and he completely fell apart because he wanted to live there instead!  In less than a month, he ended up in the hospital.  It was rough after that, and two months later, he was back in the hospital.  His team of doctors and therapists started pushing for residential treatment.  We fought that idea as valiantly as we could, but as our ER trips became more and more frequent and the struggle to find open hospital beds became the new reality, we were forced into having to make the hardest decision of our lives and put him in residential treatment in the Fall.

We love our son dearly.  It kills us to be separated, yet after the severity of last year, we are still in many ways still today trying to regroup, catch our breath, and pick up the pieces of our lives.  We are working through emotional and psychological damage dealing with his behaviors caused in all of us, particularly David who spent countless hours last year locked in our bedroom (his safe room) during the multiple violent meltdowns of his brother.

The most difficult reality for me was having to come to terms with the fact that I have no control of the outcome of his life.  He was making countless wrong choices despite all of the therapies, Bible instruction, and parenting we have given him.  I was at a loss for changing his course in life because he didn't want to listen to me.  It was his way or the highway.  No consequences could break through his inner resolve. 

It was at that frightening intersection that God had to show me that I've never really had control.  Josh has belonged to God before I even knew he was growing in my womb.  I can do all that God has called me to do in Josh's life, but at the end of the day, God's the one calling the shots and orchestrating the path of Josh's life.  I can't set him up to succeed or prevent him from failure.  I can't protect him from sorrow and difficulty or pave the way for blessings.  Only God can work all things in Josh's life for his good and God's glory.  I had to come to terms with truly letting go and letting God have my son.  It's almost a daily battle to not turn back and try to regain control, but I am learning to trust God more.  I have no idea what God has in store for my son, but I can continue to pray for him asking God to bring him back to the faith we raised him on, asking Him to deliver Josh from the sinful desires of his heart, and plead for victory in Christ in his life.

Throughout our years of Autism, I have often wondered how unbelievers can walk this journey without knowing God.  I would be an absolute mess and may not be alive today if I didn't have a relationship with God.  After this year of learning to trust God to have my son, I don't see how it's even possible to journey this path without God.  Because of God, I have hope.  Josh's future is in His hands, and that's enough.  Nothing will happen outside of God's sovereign plan.  That's enough.

Fall 2017

2017 - The Year We NEVER Want to Repeat

As we come to the end of 2017, we are more than eager to shake off the dust from the year and move forward.  2017 was the worst year of our lives and one that we truly NEVER want to repeat.  Our year end updates are usually positive with lots of wonderful things to report, which is the norm for most people's yearly updates.  Who wants to report the bad stuff?  It's always better to report the good.  Just as in social media, we fall into the trap of trying to always report the good times and often put forth an embellished representation of ourselves or our lives.  As I started thinking about our year end report and how to make our nightmare of a year look happy and good, I decided to make it real and share with you the good, the bad, and the ugly.  As horrid as the year was, God remained faithful and good, so we find joy and encouragement in that.

The beginning of 2017 found us earnestly praying for God's leading and direction to take our whole family on a family missions trip for the first time.  It was a huge step of faith for us as it was a huge financial undertaking. There were concerns about the safety there with some unrest that had been going on. Then there were lots of concerns with Josh and his Autism and whether or not he would be able to handle the unknowns of new places, smells, language, routines, foods, and people not to mention the eleven hour flight one way when he had never flown before.  On top of that, puberty hit hard for Josh starting this Spring causing mood destabilization with his Bipolar.

The brightest and happiest part of our year was the time our family was able to spend together serving God in our favorite country in the Middle Eastern area.  We were amazed by the generosity of family and friends and our church who financially and prayerfully supported our family on this trip making it possible for us to go and helped confirm God's will for us to go on this trip.  The fellowship we had with our brothers and sisters in the Lord over there was so wonderful and encouraging to all.  It was so wonderful to introduce our boys to them and see our love for these dear friends be shared by our boys.  When things got difficult the rest of the year, I often found myself going back to the memories made during this trip and praising God for such a wonderful opportunity and for light in the midst of so many sorrows.

Upon our return from that trip in May, things quickly fell apart.  I returned to work only to severely injure my back lifting a patient which led to intense physical therapy and monthly visits with an orthopedic doctor as I worked to strengthen the area around the herniated, bulging, and torn L4-L5 disc. By the end of the month, we had to hospitalize Josh to help get his mood stabilized.

Things continued to be intense with Josh even after he returned home, and by July, we had to re-hospitalize him.  From that point on, his treatment team started encouraging us to consider residential treatment.  Our home health aide services for Josh fell apart forcing us to have to take turns leaving work early to care for Josh after school. No matter how hard we tried to avoid residential, that's where God led us.  Thankfully, He used a few moms and one dad to really encourage us in the decision and give us hope.  The process of getting Josh into a residential program was very difficult and took over a month to complete.  Upon admission at the beginning of November, things fell apart with the facility backing out on their word to allow Josh to use his natural supplements and essential oils which help to keep him as stable as possible.  We had to make the decision to leave Josh there for his safety even if it meant allowing his mood stability to possibly worsen without those natural supports.  We then began looking for a new facility for Josh who would allow for the use of his natural supports to keep his continuity of care that has been supported by his four treating doctors.

In the middle of November, I ended up in the ER with severe abdominal pain and found out I needed to have a large polyp removed from my uterus as soon as possible.  Surgery was scheduled for the next week on Wednesday, November 23.  It was a simple outpatient surgery, and I was discharged that afternoon and given permission by the surgeon to travel to my parents' house that evening for Thanksgiving.

By that evening, I started to feel very strange but couldn't figure out what was wrong.  That led to a very scary next 24+ hours for my family as I was unresponsive following a grand mal seizure.  For more details on that whole event, read my blog post about the ordeal.  After a two day stay in the ICU and three days total in the hospital, I was released in time for us to return home from our Thanksgiving trip to my parents' house.

Upon arrival home, many appointments with specialists were made and more tests were done to check into the state of my health.  In less than a week after our arrival home, Josh was able to be transferred to a new residential treatment facility where he was able to resume the use of his natural supplements and essential oils.

Also in December, I suddenly got taken out of physical therapy and discharged by my orthopedic and listed as "permanently disabled" with lifting/weight restrictions and permanent light duty classification due to my back injury in May.  After consulting with a lawyer, I am working on getting an appointment with a physiatrist to be able to resume physical therapy and work my way up to a higher lifting weight ability which will continue to be covered by workman's comp.

Just this past week, I was cleared by the cardiologist regarding the heart complications I was experiencing since my hospitalization in November.  There was concern about permanent damage to my heart from my dangerously low sodium levels that caused the near-death experience in the first place.  However, the symptoms were not from the damage but instead a complication from the de-conditioning from being so sick in the ICU and the Neurocardiogenic Syncope I have had since college that had been under control until my hospitalization.  The cardiologist believes I will make a full recovery and that it will just take time for me to return to "normal."  My blood tests this past week also showed that everything has returned to normal limits, which occurred much faster than expected, and we are grateful.  The only outstanding concern is related to a new brain lesion found when a CT Scan was done while I was unresponsive.  I have followed up with my neurologist about it who wants more MRIs done, but we are not in a hurry to follow up on those tests for now.

Meanwhile, during these crazy months, there's Tim and David, who are just trying to survive and cope with all of the drama.  Tim has has his own various battles to fight including trying to keep up with his work at the office especially when needing to miss work due to Josh's or my needs.  Despite a difficult and interrupted work schedule, he had his best year yet in growing his business.  We are grateful for God's goodness in that!  Tim has also had to juggle for this past month his own daily responsibilities while picking up many of my own responsibilities since I have been too weak to do much and have spent a lot of my time resting on the couch or in bed.  We have been grateful for our church family and other friends who have helped us greatly in providing meals during this difficult time.

We have thanked the Lord so many times for David this year.  His early years struggling with failure to thrive, his immune disorder, and subsequent illnesses and antibody transfusions have helped make him the resilient eleven year old kid that he is today not to mention the hardships of being a brother to someone with Autism and other mental health struggles.  David took each thing in stride with very little complaints, yet we know how much he is struggling inside and how he fights to bottle it up.  Seeing him struggle with depression and anxiety symptoms was difficult, and we increased our efforts to help him work through his struggles.  On top of that, he began middle school this year as a sixth grader and experienced insane amounts of school work that even overwhelmed me as his mother.  He has had to struggle through a hard school year this Fall while dealing with so much drama in his household, and he remains resilient!  We see evidence of his faith growing.  Struggles aside, we have also seen David continue to blossom in his Taekwondo abilities, and David moved up into a full sized violin.  Being faithful to our promise, we purchased him his very own full sized violin, and we all enjoy listening to him play.  David had the privilege of playing very last minute (less than a week before the concert) in his school band in the Spring and also performed a violin solo during the concert.  In December, he had the privilege of playing his violin in the Concert Band (made up of 8th-12th grade instrumentalists from his school and another local Christian school) even though he is not in Band at school.  He was given a little more notice this time but still had one month less to prepare than the rest of the students and didn't have the twice weekly rehearsals like they had.  We love seeing David shine and use his abilities from God to bless others.

Josh is now thirteen years old, and he is doing well at the new residential treatment facility and has been there now for almost one month.  We are seeing signs of God at work in his heart and his life.  He is thriving in the highly structured environment that the facility provides and is enjoying being able to be back at his special school he had to leave when he got transferred to the first residential treatment center.  We pray that this time away will be a growing experience for him and will help him to be more stable and able to function at home and in the community to help him thrive.  He remains an animal-lover, and his cat and guinea pigs continue to be one of his greatest loves.  We look forward to when we can have him living at home with us again hopefully sometime in 2018.

My back injury has made me rethink my line of work and my future as a nurse.  I have began to look once again at options for becoming a midwife and have increased the number of clients I have as a doula.  I don't know what God has for me, but I am seeking His will and walking through the open doors He provides.  I am also trying to figure out how to increase my business of wellness coaching and essential oil education to be able to better serve my clients and grow my client base to help people live more natural and healthy lives.

Tim will be taking on more responsibilities at his office this coming year as his dad starts to turn over parts of the company to Tim.  He is excited about the increased responsibilities and the challenges to grow himself and his company that they present.

As I close, I don't want to leave you thinking that 2017 was all doom and gloom for the Russell family.  As difficult and trying as it was, God has wondrously carried us through.  He never failed us.  While we don't understand what He is trying to accomplish in the many things He has ordained for us to go through, we know that He is working all of these things out for our good and His glory.  His sovereignty over our lives is a comfort to us, and the circumstances has helped us to grow our faith and dependence on Him.  I leave with you Scriptures about God's sovereignty over our lives.  May they be a comfort to you as they have been to us, and may you see God's good work in your life as you enter 2018.

1 Chronicles 29:11-12 (NIV)  "Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all."

Job 42:2 (NIV)  "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

Psalm 135:6 (NIV) "The Lord does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths."

Psalm 18:30 (ESV) "This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him."

We enjoyed the time we were able to have as a whole family this Christmas Eve when Josh was allowed to come with us to celebrate Christmas with the Russell side of the family for a few hours.  

Learning to Let it ALL Go

In approaching almost the 13th year of being a mother of a special needs child, you would think I would be done giving up all control of my son to my capable and loving Savior and that I was done giving up all of the circumstances around his needs to the Author and finisher of my faith.  Apparently, there are ways I haven't given up that control, and God is digging deeper to reveal the areas of my son's life and my own desires that I am still clinging desperately onto instead of entrusting them to my son's and my Maker.

I learned to give up my goals and dreams of serving God as a missionary full time on a foreign field and embrace the full time mission field ministering to my children and other special needs parents.  I learned to give up the anticipation of my son hitting his normal childhood milestones and instead celebrate the small things like not having a melt down in a community outing or appropriate use of coping skills when upset about a non-preferred directive.  I learned to accept that I can't enjoy the pre-teen years when your child becomes more independent while not needing constant supervision but that I can love on my son in more tangible ways and still have him be okay with mom rather than be embarrassed by her.  I learned to accept that I can't relax and spend more time doing various hobbies like my friends but enjoy the satisfaction that I am doing all that I can to make my son's life just a little bit easier.  I learned to give up the dream of seeing my son participate in team events and celebrate the successes of having a positive social interaction that only required a small amount of adult intervention.  I learned to accept his Autism diagnosis and all of the other diagnoses that have been added throughout the years and embrace the unique and perfect way in which God made my son.  I accepted all of this and gave it all to God along the way.  That's enough, isn't it?

Sadly, over the last 2 months of many set backs and discouraging battles, as the few rays of hope have started to diminish, God had to uncover yet another thing I needed to give up: my son's future: his spiritual walk, the outcome of his teen years and progression into adulthood, his happiness, his struggles.

The last 3 years, I have worked relentlessly to make my son's future and development as successful as possible.  I've stayed current with all of the latest research, behavioral interventions, and natural solutions to give him the best future possible.  We have made so much progress and paved the way for the best outcome possible.  I even got to the point that I once again had a glimmer of hope that he could even get married some day.

Then, it all came crashing down!  Puberty raised its evil head wrecking havoc on his body and causing many hardships and setbacks just as the doctors had predicted.  We coasted through the beginning thinking we were going to skip our way past the foreboding warnings of the doctors.  It looks like we won't be so lucky after all.

As we moved into the reality of what the next several years would look like, I began worrying about his future.  I don't want him to become another statistic of a bipolar youth who kills another person or himself in an angry, illogical rage.  I don't want him to get in trouble with the law and end up in a juvenile detention center.  I don't want him to reject and curse God and flee from the ways in which we brought him up.  I want to make his teen years as easy as possible.  I want him to be able to successfully enter the work force and make something of himself. I WANT...

As my son struggles to maintain control of all circumstances in his life even if it means fighting his way into more and more consequences and lost opportunities, I am struggling to give up the control of my son's future.  As he was formed in my womb, God had his days numbered and his course set.  I can't control how God gets a hold of his hurting and fragile heart.  I can't control whether his teen years are easy or frighteningly difficult.  I have no control because I am not God.  This has become a frightening reality to me the last couple of weeks.  It is so hard to give up control.  To sit back and let God be God and do as He sees fit in my son's life and heart.  It's not that I don't trust God and His sovereignty.  It's the fear of HOW God will accomplish His purposes.  My son has already had so many hurdles to cross, and I don't want to see him struggle anymore.  God doesn't promise that life will be easy but that He will work all things for good.  That has to be enough.

Once again, I find myself learning and battling to let go.  Just as I have let go of the other things, I have to do that with my son's future.  It's just a whole lot harder than I had expected.  Abraham had to give up all control of his son Isaac's life and be willing to sacrifice him in obedience to God.  Hannah gave up control of her son Samuel's life to give him to the ministry in the temple. Mary had to give up all control of her son Jesus' life and let him to his Heavenly Father's work even if it meant going to the cross.   It's time I learn to follow in their footsteps and give up all control of my son's life and his future.  It won't be easy, but it is necessary.  Once I do, the rays of light will break through again because the only place for my son to be is in the good hands of the Shepherd of my son's heart.  If I can do that, it won't be all doom and gloom, right?

Encouraging Thoughts to Help You Carry On

Being a caregiver for a special needs person is not for the faint of heart.  It can be exhausting, emotionally draining, and often, it can seem repetitive and rewardless.  It's been twelve years since we started on our special needs journey with our first son and 10 years with our second son.  While we have seen remarkable changes over all of those years, when we are in the day in and day out toil, it often feels as if our efforts are in vain.  The day to day progress seems nonexistent and the step back for every two steps forward is disheartening.

Of late, I have become weary of the same conversations over and over again helping our son with Autism know how to appropriately act in various social situations and when given non-preferred directives.  I feel like a broken record on a daily basis, and it seems no matter what I say or do or how encouraged I am after a conversation, my time and energy spent in helping my son is in vain because either the same day or the next, he ends up doing exactly what we discussed he shouldn't do.  It can be infuriating to say the least.

It is times like these that I am so grateful that I am not on this journey alone but that I have my great God and Savior right there with me encouraging me forward, strengthening me to finish each day, and carrying me when I can no longer walk on my own.  Time spent in God's Word and in prayer  refreshes and nourishes me daily.  God-centered music daily ministers to my heart speaking God's truth into my mind.  Conversations with people who love and accept me and my family the way we are, who are willing to walk with us in our not-so-pretty daily lives, and treat us without judgment help my burdens to not be so unbearable and help me to not feel so alone.

If you know someone who cares for someone with special needs, I encourage you to reach out and be a blessing.  Don't judge.  Get involved in their messy, daily lives and love them with God's love.  Send an encouraging note with an encouraging Scripture verse or passage.  Don't ask "How can I help?" but instead ask "When can I come over and help with housework or care for the kids or bring over a meal?"

Sometimes, when struggles pile up, it's easy to get overwhelmed and discouraged.  Necessary daily tasks become repetitive and meaningless.  Sometimes we need a reminder that the mundane is not for nothing and that we are involved in Kingdom work.  After all, a large part of Jesus' ministry on this earth was ministering to those with special needs.

Some encouraging Scripture passages that help me keep going include:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights" - Habakkuk 3:17-19.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail" - Isaiah 58:11

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." - Lamentations 3:19-26

Some songs that have really ministered to me in my hardest of days include:

"Blessings" by Laura Story

"He Will Hold Me Fast" by Keith & Kristyn Getty

"Grace" by Carolyn Hamlin

"Day by Day" a hymn written by Lina Sandell and translated by A. L. Skoog; music by: Oscar Ahnfeldt

No matter how hopeless a situation, our hope rests in God alone.  He is our strength and salvation.  He is our sovereign designer who is working all things together for our good and His glory!

Growing Pains in Recovery

Josh continues in his recovery process with Autism.  He truly is a different child, and people who haven't seen him for several months are astonished at the drastic changes.  We continue to be thrilled at the progress he makes on a daily basis and are excited that he continues to thrive off of all drugs since the middle of June.

A new heartache has overcome my heart though.  As Josh recovers from his Autism symptoms, he is experiencing some difficult "growing pains."  He is becoming increasingly social and socially aware.  He is not content to be or play by himself like he used to be obsessed with doing.  He now longs for peer interaction and is frustrated if he can't engage his peers.  Gone are the days when he was blissfully ignorant when he was chosen last for a team or group or when kids were mean to him.  Now, he is fully aware of when he is shunned or intentionally skipped or overlooked.  With that awareness comes a lot of pain and hardship and the shedding of tears.  I am proud of the way Josh has been trying hard to reach out to peers who have been mean to him in an attempt to be nice to them.  However, it's so frustrating when the kindness is not reciprocated and instead unkind words or actions are the thanks for his kindness.  I so desperately want him to be successful socially.  I want him to have friends and be liked.  I want him to be accepted and not looked down upon or disregarded.

Granted, Josh still has miles to go in the socialization category.  This is something that we haven't been able to work on to a large extent because we always had more serious behaviors and issues to be addressing.  Now that those things are things of the past, the socialization shortfalls are front and center and overwhelming.  In his attempt to be involved, he feels the need to make a comment about everything and anything even if it means saying something utterly ridiculous.  His actions and words are often socially inappropriate, but he's trying to engage!  I have to look at the progress there.  We are ramping up all efforts at home, school, and with his therapies to address these social deficits, but in the meantime, I'd love to see the right person come along who is willing to accept Josh and his quirks and love him just because he is a person worthy of love and acceptance.

It grieves me to see him hurting.  At times, I dreadfully wish we could go back to when he was blissfully ignorant socially just to spare him the pain.  However, the logical side of me realizes the importance of even these difficult growing pains if he is going to continue to succeed and be all that God wants him to be.  He is 12 years old and does not know what it is like to have a friend.  It used to be that his interpretation of a "friend" is someone who lets him watch over their shoulder as they play on their electronic device.  A "friend" to him was a means to an end or desire.  Now he longs to have someone he can have conversations with or interact with.  However, line of peers waiting and willing to become his friend stands vacant.  In fact, there are no viable friend options in our community or his school that we are aware of.

I have to turn my sorrow and grief into action.  I have begun to plead with the Lord to bring Josh a friend -- to allow him to know the comforts of having someone to talk to, spend time with, and enjoy being together just because.  God is the God of the impossible.  He has brought Josh this far defeating so many impossibles already!  I am praying a friendship is the next impossible God accomplishes in Josh's life!  Will you pray with me for a friend for Josh?

The Day We Never Thought We'd See

God continues to do amazing things in our family.  He continues to bring healing in areas we never thought possible!  We are forever grateful for His amazing handiwork in our lives and for the incredible answers to prayer we continue to see that are above and beyond all we could ask or think.

Three weeks ago on August 29, 2016, we saw the day that we never thought we would see.  I still feel as if I am living in a dream and that soon, I am going to wake up and discover it was just a dream!

As you know, Joshua, our oldest son who just turned 12 this past Sunday, has Autism along with Bipolar, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.  The gloomy future predicted by the many doctors and specialists Josh has seen throughout the years was daunting and frightening.  They had warned us about the scary years of puberty where Josh would be in and out of the psychiatric hospital and needing constant medication adjustments due to the raging hormones.  We were told we would see a reprieve once Josh reached his 20's, and his hormones stabilized.  Being under the care of a psychiatrist would be a lifelong necessity as medications would always need to be monitored and tweaked as time went on.

As I wrote in my annual Autism Awareness blog post in April, things have drastically changed for Josh due to our journey in natural solutions over the past now 2.5 years.  In addition, the healing diet we as a family have been doing since the Spring with the intent to help Josh has also been instrumental.  Beneath the surface of these solutions, God was orchestrating all of the events - giving me the drive to fight for my son, leading me to the right people and the right information, giving us the means to put the natural solutions to the test and finding success with them, etc.  This was God's capable hands at work in an incredible way in Josh's life as well as in our family's lives.

Before making the wellness journey into the wonderful world of natural solutions, Josh was taking 10 pills a day (7 different drugs) to manage all of his medical and psychiatric needs.  With the help of natural solutions, Josh experienced increased remarkable medical and psychiatric stability which led to a 2+ year journey of weaning off of medications.  It has been an exciting journey watching him transform before our eyes as drugs left his system revealing wonderful personality traits we didn't know existed.  On June 8, 2016, Josh took his last dose of Risperdal, a drug crucial for managing his moods of bipolar and the last drug of which he weaned.  We were told by several doctors that he would never be able to go without a mood stabilizer.  In the midst of puberty and raging hormones, at the time predicted to be the worst time of Josh's life and craziest emotional roller coaster ride, he stopped taking his most crucial drug and since has been THRIVING and has been more stable than he ever has been since developing Bipolar!  How is that for a miracle?  We are still praising God for that incredible answer to prayer!

Josh saw his psychiatrist for a follow-up to being off of Risperdal on August 29, 2016.  She was amazed at how well he was doing and thrilled for his success.  She looked at him and said, "Well, Josh, you don't have to come back and see me again."  I almost fell out of my seat, and Josh was just as shocked as he said, "What did you just say?" She repeated herself, and Josh clarified, "You mean for a long time?"  She answered, "No, never unless you need me again sometime later down the road.  You are doing so well that you don't need my services anymore.  There is nothing that I can do for you that you aren't already doing for yourself."  I thought I was going to need to be pulled down from the ceiling because I was flying so high.  I never dreamed I would see the day when Josh would not need to see a psychiatrist regularly.  She and the psychologist have also been mentioning dropping some of Josh's diagnoses because of the lack of symptoms.  More time still needs to transpire before the diagnoses can officially be dropped, but we are getting close.  It's been over a year since Josh experienced a cycle with his bipolar.  His anxiety completely disappeared after he weaned off of his anxiety drug in December 2015.  His Autism has become so highly functional that if he were to be diagnosed today, according to his psychiatrist, he would not qualify for an Autism diagnosis but would instead receive a social delay disorder diagnosis.

My heart continues to soar as I see my son happy, thriving, and better than I had ever dreamed.  We have lived to see the day we never thought we'd see, and it only keeps getting better.  Josh moved into the Middle School in August as a big 7th grader.  Knowing the changes of middle school from elementary school and given the fact that he would have a whole new team of teachers and support staff, I was really anxious about his transition.  This kid continues to amaze me and transitioned so well, you wouldn't have thought it was a new experience or a new team.

God is the Great Physician, and we have certainly experienced His healing hands in Josh's life.  We are forever grateful for His great mercy and grace to Josh and our family, and we eagerly look forward to the future plans God has in store for our precious son.

Autism Awareness Month 2016

As Autism Awareness Month comes to an end, I am finally having a moment to write my yearly Autism Awareness post. 

In the Autism world, it is so easy to be consumed by hoplessness.  It's an overwhelming diagnosis with life-long implications.  As the years ticked by after Josh's Autism diagnosis at 4 years of age, things only looked gloomier and more hopeless as more and more diagnoses were tagged on and more problems ensued.  By his second psychiatric hospitalization at 8 years of age and the warning by the doctor that it most certainly would not be his last hospitalization and things would get really rough once puberty hit requiring constant medication dosing adjustments to compensate for fluctuating hormone production, we were left with worries about the future and realization that we would need to start planning for his adulthood and his needing care and supervision for the rest of his life.  I stopped dreaming that someday he would be able to get married recognizing that it was just too impossible.

Fast forward 3 years, and our hopes for the future have drastically changed.  Instead of doom and gloom and the impossibility of independence as an adult, we see a bright future, and I have begun praying that God would raise up a godly spouse for him one day.

What has changed? EVERYTHING!  This metamorphosis began when we started using essential oils over 2 years ago then incorporated natural supplements all while getting rid of typical personal care and household products that are toxic switching to natural stuff I make with natural ingredients to keep us safe and healthy.  Then began a greater scrutiny about the food we used and the process of eliminating processed stuff and switching to more organic choices.

With each change we made in our daily habits and choices, we saw more and more changes for the better.  The two-year transformation began with instability and a threat of a third hospitalization due to the 10 drugs a day he was currently taking not enough to keep him stable.  Fast forward two years, and Josh is only taking 1 drug a day that he has been slowly weaning off of over the past 2 years and will be fully weaned off of by the middle of June according to his doctor's wean plan.  With each drug he weaned off of, he became happier, more compliant, and more stable.  We have been discovering more and more aspects to his personality that had been locked inside him unknown to us.

The medical world has things all backwards when it comes to Autism.  They treat symptoms with drugs that often make the person have a flat affect and zero personality.  While some behavior therapy recommendations are made and can be effective in helping a child cope in our world, progress is painfully slow.  What is often overlooked and neglected is the availability and success of natural things and diet.  God created all things for our benefit and good, and mankind has done a lot to taint it or ruin it altogether.  We need to get back to the way God created things!

This year, I began a new learning journey into the world of healthy diets and was blown away by what studies are out there regarding the implications of a leaky gut and the benefits of cutting out inflammatory foods from the diet.  While this information is helpful to every human who wants to be healthy, it has HUGE implications for people with Autism.  After reading the literature available, I decided to take the plunge and eliminate gluten from Josh's diet (I had already eliminated artificial dyes and flavors a year prior to that).  Surprisingly, he went from a jittery, fidgety, easily irritated kid to a calm and collected child who hardly gets irritated.  After letting him have gluten for one meal around the Easter holiday and having a difficult next 1.5 days of increased irritability and hyperactivity, he reset and went back to his new norm.  That was enough to convince us of the importance to avoid gluten for good.

In March, we embarked on a journey as a family beginning the Cellular Healing Diet by Dr. Pompa.  It is a pretty involved diet that heals the leaky gut, helps the body rid itself of toxins, decreases inflammation, and improves cellular health.  We believe this is the final key for helping Josh fully recover of his Autism and other issues.  From the changes we have already seen since starting the diet, we are getting more and more confident of the end results.

There is hope!  Don't ever let anyone or any doctor convince you otherwise.  Never give up fighting!  Don't accept a doom and gloom prognosis.  There is always room to improve and excel.  Don't discount God's power to do the impossible!  Josh's prognosis seemed dismal and improvement seemed so impossible, but God is greater and more powerful!  He has directed us to the right people and the right resources, and with the change to natural solutions and healthy diet, Josh is on the road to full recovery!  God is amazing!

Psalm 147:11 - "but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love."

The Ability to Worship

When you have a child with a disability, it is so important, as his mother, that you reflect on his abilities instead of letting his disabilities cloud your view of the child God perfectly formed in your womb.

If you forget to notice the abilities, there aren't many people in the community who will help you to see them.  We live in an insensitive world where most people are quick to ask rude and uncaring questions or make inappropriate and ignorant statements.

When things are really tough, it gets harder to see the abilities because you feel as if you are drowning in your child's disabilities when they are screaming in your face.

Because of his Autism, Josh may not understand another person's perspective, he might get sensory overload from a few minutes in the community, and his motor skills may be a bit awkward, but he has a candid honesty about him and the ability to put himself out there not caring what other people will think.  He also has perfect pitch and loves music.  He loves God and has a personal relationship with him, and although at times when his Autism or Bi-polar overwhelms him making him doubt God's goodness, he always sees the truth that God really does care and gives him the grace to keep on keeping on.

These abilities give Josh one of the most important abilities - the ability to WORSHIP!  After all, God created us to worship!  The depth of some of Josh's prayers to God, his frank honesty about his struggles and doubts, and his pleas for God's help often catch me off guard and surprise me and challenge me in my own prayer life.

I also love the way that Josh loves to sing praises to God.  He takes making a joyful noise unto the Lord to heart and sings with all of his might - sometimes to our embarrassment (shame on us!) over the flat or sharp notes he sings as he tries to get his voice to sing the harmony note he hears in his head.  He sings with passion, fervor, and gusto to the glory of God.  I think we all could learn a thing or two from his example.

This Sunday, Josh had the opportunity to sing for special music at church.  It was a chance for him to let his ability shine and use it for God's glory.  The song he sang is taken from Proverbs 3:5-6, a passage we often turn to during the struggles with his disabilities.  It's a passage that everyone needs to remember, because if we don't trust God, life will be pretty miserable!  

I am thankful for the way that God can use a child with many disabilities to speak His truths to the hearts of His people and use Josh's abilities for His honor and glory!  In my opinion, there is no greater ability than the ability to worship!

Finding Grace Through Autism

Another year has come and gone, and here again, I am sitting to write a post in honor of World Autism Awareness Day (April 2) and Autism Awareness Month (April) as we Light It Up Blue for Autism.

Joshua is now 10 years old.  In some ways it's hard to believe that he's been alive for a decade, but in some ways, it feels like it's been forever.  This year has been an incredible year in some ways and a difficult one in others.  Through the good and the bad, I have found God's grace carrying us through.

It's officially been a year since we began using essential oils to help Josh with his Autism, Bi-polar, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.  The oils have made an incredible difference in his ability to function, focus, and remain stable.  It's been an exciting year of weaning down on his mood stabilizer medication helping to improve his health and weight.  Because of the supportive effects of the oils, we have seen several aspects to Josh and his personality that we didn't realize existed!  We are thrilled to see and know our son for who he really is not what his Autism makes him appear to be.  It's been astounding and thrilling.  God's grace in leading us to choose to use essential oils has transformed all of our lives this year!

This year has been a tough year with Josh's wraparound services which provide him with a Behavior Specialist, Mobile Therapist, and Therapeutic Support Staff therapist (TSS).  We are currently on our 5th provider in 1 year!  We've had nothing but difficulties with consistent staff, proper support at home and school, and proper recommendations.  We just switched last month to the 5th agency and are still without a TSS which is the most critical therapist of the group.  As a result of all of the issues, Josh has been thrown off balance so many times.  His symptoms are all aggravated by the unrest and unknown and frustrating circumstances of providers not doing what needs to be done.  I have been at my wits end trying to negotiate things with the providers and the insurance company.  For once, the insurance company isn't the problem.  They have thankfully been wonderful through this whole ordeal.  Dealing with these issues since November has felt like another full-time job for me.  It's only God's grace that keeps me going during the difficult times when I just want to cry and give up fighting!

After 6 years of therapy to try to get Josh to recognize his feelings and emotions, use his words to describe his feelings and emotions, and then match appropriate coping skills to help him with those feelings and emotions, this year, Josh has finally begun expressing in words how he is feeling and telling us what he or we need to do to help him work through those feelings and emotions.  It's been so wonderful to be able to intervene before a melt-down occurs.  As a result, our home and lives have been a lot more peaceful.  Often, Josh will turn to essential oils to help him calm down.  I was certified in a specialized massage based on science that uses essential oils to bring the body into a homeostatic state, and Josh likes to have me do this massage on him when things get really overwhelming.  We are thankful for God's grace in bringing us to the point where Josh is independently identifying his feelings and asking for or using a proper coping skill.  It definitely makes parenting him so much easier.

Now that Josh is older and more aware of himself and people around him, he is really struggling to accept his Autism and other diagnoses.  We have had to deal with a lot of tears and tough questions: Why did I have to be born with Autism?  Why does life have to be so hard?  Why do I struggle with an angry mood?  Why do I always feel so fearful?  Why did I have to be born?  Why did God make me this way?  How come I keep praying that God will help me get over my anger but He never seems to make me better?  Why is everything such a struggle?  Often we feel so inadequate to have the answers to these hard questions.  We call for God's grace and wisdom to help us get through to our son's grieving heart.  We try to help him understand that God has an amazing plan for His life and that God made him perfectly - there are no mistakes in how God designed him.  We don't understand why some people's struggles are harder than others, but we can be confident that God will give the grace to keep on keeping on.  We call on God's grace to protect our son's faith as it often wavers during these doubting, questioning times.

Parenting Josh has made us stronger, more compassionate parents.  We are more understanding of others around us with varying disabilities.  I can be more sympathetic to my patients and their families because I get what it's like to deal with a child with special needs.  Dealing with a special needs sibling has made David a stronger person.  He is more compassionate, understanding, and patient with other children as a result.  God's grace molding our lives through His design for our family is evident.

Dealing with the times of crisis is extremely difficult.  Thankfully, we haven't had as many as we usually do because Josh is doing so well with the essential oils.  However, because we've had several months of calm and stability, when a crisis does happen, it makes it that much harder to cope with because we finally had a taste of peace.  David has been in therapy for a year now to deal with his trauma and anxiety symptoms related to growing up with a brother with Autism and other challenges.  It's been a tough year for him as he has a hard time talking about his feelings and dealing with the uncertainty and scariness of Josh's crises events.  David is learning to lean on God's grace to carry him through these difficult times just as we have to cling to God's grace to keep taking each day as it comes when we are so emotionally and physically spent.

I am so thankful that God's grace remains a constant when our lives never are.  God's grace sustains us through the good times and the bad.  Often, I find myself singing my favorite hymn "Day by Day" just to remind myself of God's goodness, grace, and strength to get me through each day.  "Day by day, and with each passing moment, Strength I find to meet my trials here; Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear."

Day by Day by Karolina Sandell Berg

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.

To hear a musical rendition of this hymn, go to this youtube site.

When the Shoe Drops

We have been enjoying increased mood stability ever since we started using essential oils for Josh back in March 2014.  Things have been going incredibly well, considering his diagnoses.  In December, we started him on all-natural supplements made with essential oils and saw an even increased improvement and a transformation in him that we never thought was possible not to mention a new side of him that we didn't know even existed.  We've been on an emotional high since December glorying in the calmer, less stressful, and peaceful days.

However, part of me has been continually looking around me waiting for the shoe to drop.  Knowing Bi-polar is not a disease that can be cured (not to mention neither are Autism or Generalized Anxiety disorders), I always knew it couldn't stay this good forever.

Well, the shoe has finally dropped, and it dropped harder than any of us could have imagined, and we are finding ourselves feeling as if we are drowning and struggling to come up for air.  On top of dealing with our son who is struggling with a severe case of rapid cycling in his bi-polar, I have been fighting other battles related to his services and supplies.  I am back to spending my days on the phone with doctors, supply companies, therapy service providers, case mangers, and insurance companies.  I am not getting the things done around the house and with my business because of the unexpected problems that come up on a daily basis.

The carpet has been ripped out from under our feet.  Our minds are spinning.  We are at a loss for how to handle our current situations.  We have lost our biggest support person due to a move.  We are back to that not-knowing-what-a-day-will-hold feeling that we had hoped was an ugly memory of the past.  Having known how awesome it feels to have things going so smoothly and better than ever before makes this set back sting harder leaving a greater bitter taste in our mouths.

It's hard to keep up the faith and not doubt God's goodness.  It's hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep our chin up.  It's hard to even pray when our hearts are anguished with sorrow.

Yet God remains our Rock.  His presence remains.  Each day, He gives us reminders of His love and promises and the strength to keep on keeping on.

Two days ago, I was reminded by Joni Earckson Tada in her Pearls of Great Price devotional, "In the midst of your own darkness, there is treasure and riches that could never be discovered in the light of ease and peace.  Needing God desperately will always make you wealthy" as she discussed the truth of Daniel 2:22: "He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him."  I feel in utter darkness, and having been there before, I know the truth of the treasure in the darkness is there, but at this point, I am still trying to find that treasure.

Yesterday, I was reminded about Psalm 23 and the truths that the LORD is my shepherd, that I don't need to be in want, that He makes me to lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters, and that He restores my soul.  I know He does these things, but it sure would be nice to feel them at this moment.

Today, I was reminded about Proverbs 3:5-6 and that I need to trust the LORD, not lean on my own understanding.  I need to acknowledge Him, and He will make my paths straight.  I feel as if I can hardly see the path just in front of my feet, but I know that I can trust God to guide my steps.  The reminder that God will make my path straight is encouraging because even if I can't see the path in front of me, I can still confidently take the next step because God won't let my feet slip.  If I keep my eyes on Him, I won't stumble.

Dear Lord, please continue to guide my footsteps.  Help me to keep my eyes on you.  Keep me from stumbling. Help my unbelief!  Thank you for the daily comforts and reminders from your Word.  Thank you for your grace and strength for today.  Help me to be a wise steward of it! Amen. 

2014 Year in Review - A Year of Answered Prayers

 "Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!" - Psalm 115:1 ESV

 "I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live."  - Psalm 116:1-2 ESV

Our hearts are full with awe at God's goodness to our family over this past year.  We have seen long-prayed for requests answered in wonderful ways.  Thank you to so many of you who have prayed faithfully for us.

David, now 8 years old and in the 3rd grade, is a sensitive, caring, young man who is becoming quite the violinist.  He has been playing the violin for 3 years and got to play his violin in a wedding this Fall.  David is also becoming quite the artist.  He was able to attend an art camp this summer and Saturday art classes this Fall. He is looking forward to continuing art classes this Spring.  As most of you know, David has Primary Immune Deficiency Disorder and has had a rough life of infections, antibiotics for his first 6.5 years, and weekly antibody transfusions the last 3 years.  This summer, his immune specialist trialed stopping the transfusions to see if David's body could produce enough antibodies on its own to sustain health.  David did extremely well and ended up with only one bacterial infection this Fall which was an infection many people were catching, and he fought it well with the help of essential oils and an antibiotic.  After reviewing David's blood test results this Fall, the immune specialist decided that David can remain off of the transfusions and be closely monitored because his body is producing some antibodies on its own, and while far from being within normal limits, it is sufficient enough for his doctor to continue to keep him off of the transfusions.  We are absolutely thrilled about this, and David is enjoying his freedom on the weekends without having to spend 1.5 hours getting his transfusions.  David has had 2 viral infections this Fall, and with the help of essential oils, he never developed a secondary bacterial infection like he usually does. In addition, David has been able to successfully wean off 1 of his 3 stomach medicines and is able to control his stomach pains with an essential oil blend instead.  We hope to wean him off of another by the Spring.

Joshua, now 10 years old and in the 5th grade, is growing tall and is a hard worker.  He is now on his third instrument - the piano - and is enjoying taking piano lessons as well as voice lessons.  He loves to sing in chorus at school also.  He is loving being in the second year at his new school and is thriving in such a supportive environment.  We have seen him make huge strides this year in dealing with his Autism, Bi-polar, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.  We started using essential oils this past Spring in an attempt to get his bi-polar under control.  It worked wonders, and as a result, we have spent most of the year weaning him down on his mood stabilizer drug which has been causing terrible side effects. There is a chance that by this coming Spring, he will be completely off of the drug.  We are praising God for these oils and allowing us to find something natural and so effective in helping him to maintain stability and function better.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer.  Josh is growing socially and learning to understand his emotions, using his words to describe his feelings and starting to ask for  help with using coping skills. We are very proud of the huge progress he has made this year.  Josh loves animals and nature.  We are hoping to find an animal shelter where he can work with cats (his favorite animal) this summer.

I continue to work part time as a special needs pediatric nurse for Bayada Pediatrics.  I received an award in Bayada's Hero program this summer.  My migraines and headaches have become a thing of the past since using an essential oil blend in the Spring.  By using the oil blend, I have stopped 3 migraines before they fully began and have been able to instantly relieve the occasional headache.  I have never felt better and am enjoying so much more energy and increased health since using essential oils daily.  Because essential oils have so greatly impacted our family, I have begun teaching classes about using essential oils for various purposes to enhance health and have started my own business selling essential oils and making and selling various, all-natural, health and beauty products with essential oils.  For more information about the business, visit  Naturally Essential Health & Beauty facebook page or the Essential oils page on this blog.

Tim continues to excel as a Financial Adviser for The Life Financial Group.  He is growing into a leadership role at his office and enjoys working with his colleagues and clients.  He has continued to thrive in his professional coaching program that he has been a part of the past 2 years that requires multiple trips to CA.  Tim's business and influence has grown substantially as a result of this coaching program.  We are enjoying having him home more as a result.  He is excited about the continued growth God has in store for him in 2015.  I must say that it's also been nice to see his allergies under better control than they ever have been thanks to an essential oil blend he is using.

God truly has been so good to us!  We are definitely excited to be using His creation to enhance and support our health and wellness and look forward to another year of good health.  We are currently praying about taking the boys with us on our next mission's trip.  We are hoping to take one this year, if God opens the door and works out the details.  We were disappointed that the two trips we were thinking we would do this year didn't work out.  We know that God is in control, and He works all things together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

It is our prayer that each of you know and see God's goodness and faithfulness to you in a big way this coming year!

"Praise the LORD! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens!

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness!"

Psalm 150:1-2 ESV

Part 5: Joyfully living life to its fullest in Plan A (because there is no Plan B)

[Continuation from Part 4]

Joni Eareckson Tada, in her and Steven Estes’ book When God Weeps: Why our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty, has a great answer to her question she raises, “Why does God pile on hardships so high?” She says: God is more concerned with conforming me to the likeness of his Son than leaving me in my comfort zones” (p. 121, Tada and Estes) God, who sees our suffering and can bear our suffering no longer (Exodus 3:7-8; Judges 10:16 quoted in Part 3), loves us so much and wants to sanctify us making us more like His Son every day, decrees our suffering to accomplish His great and awesome purposes in our lives. After all, we have the promise of Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" (ESV).  God will fulfill his purposes in our lives and complete his good work in us. He will never leave us or forsake us. He will carry us when we can no longer walk. He takes our heavy burden and gives us his easy and light burden. He doesn't leave us alone to endure our suffering. He’s right there with us and can sympathize with us because Jesus suffered in all points as we do yet did it without sin.
Paul says in Colossians 1:24b, “I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions…”

What on earth does that mean? Joni explains this beautifully: “Nothing is lacking when it comes to what Christ did on the cross. It is finished, just as he said. But something is lacking when it comes to showcasing the salvation story to others. Jesus isn't around in the flesh, but you and I are. When we suffer and handle it with grace, we’re like walking billboards advertising the positive way God works in the life of someone who suffers” (p. 101, Tada and Estes). That thought helps bring meaning to the suffering. It’s by far not in vain. There is value not just in our own lives and sanctification but in the lives of those around us. The hardships can cause us to long for heaven just as Paul did, and that’s perfectly fine. There would be a problem if we’d rather stay in this life. He says in Philippians 1:21-24:

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account." (ESV) 

We live torn between our desire to be with Christ and to remain to do the work He has called us to. Good thing God knows what is best for us, and He will call us home when our work here on earth is done. Whether we linger longer on earth or see Jesus face to face sooner rather than later, we win! So what does all of this mean to me personally as I struggle to learn to live joyfully in God’s Plan A since there is no Plan B? And what is the summary of the answer for the original question of Part 1: How could a God of love decree so much suffering? Tune in for Part 6: The conclusion!

Part 4: Joyfully living life to its fullest in Plan A (because there is no Plan B)

In continuing to share what I am learning through reading the book When God Weeps: Why our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty by Joni Earickson Tada and Steven Estes, I will pick up where I left off in Part 3 and answer this question: Why would a loving God choose for some to suffer yet deliver others?

As Paul reminds us in Romans:

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” “Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?” For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36, ESV)

We don't know the mind of God nor can we pretend to.  However, God gives us other clues in Scripture that help us understand in part about why we suffer and helps us to be encouraged to continue to run the race of life.

Philippians 1:29 - "For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake." (ESV)
In Acts 14:22, Paul and the other apostles taught that "through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God." (ESV)
Romans 8:16-17 - "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." (ESV)
I Peter 4:12-13, 19 - "Suffering as a Christian Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. (ESV)
I Peter 4:19 - "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good. (ESV)

Job recognized the value of his suffering in his proclamation: “When he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”

When we suffer in this life, we join Christ in His suffering, and we become a reflection of God’s glory in the midst of it. Contrary to a popular line of thought today, being a Christian doesn’t mean having a life of ease and no troubles. Instead, it often means more troubles because that’s exactly what Jesus warned his disciples about during His earthly ministry. In Luke 9:23, Jesus said that if anyone wants to follow Him, he must pick up his cross and follow him. The cross definitely doesn’t represent ease or promise no troubles. Becoming a Christian also doesn’t mean we no longer suffer the effects of the fall. I like what Steve Estes says on page 59 of his book about what happened at the cross when Jesus said “It is finished” and what Jesus will finally do with His second coming: “ …the purchase of salvation was complete, the outcome settled with certainty. But the application of salvation to God’s people was anything but finished.”

As Paul reminds us several times, sanctification is a daily process and won’t be complete until we are united with Christ in heaven or at his return. God uses suffering to continue that work of sanctification in our lives.

Romans 5:3-5 - "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (ESV)
Psalm 119:67 - "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word." (ESV)
Psalm 119: 71 - "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." (ESV)

It’s the hardest times in my life that I feel the closest to God. I am a very self-sufficient and independent person, and if it weren't for the trials that were way beyond my ability to handle on my own, I wouldn't have been driven to my knees to rely completely on Christ to carry me the rest of the way. I wouldn't trade my close relationship with Christ as a result of my trials for an easier life.

Suffering also has a way of strengthening our hope and keeping our eyes focused on the goal of living with God for eternity. The suffering we experience hear reminds us of the day when God will wipe away every tear and there will be no more sickness and where we will no longer need to toil and sweat but spend our days worshiping at God Almighty’s feet. That hope can keep us keeping on no matter how hard things get.
Our trials will only last for a time but our life of peace and satisfaction is coming. Our suffering is just for a moment in eternity’s perspective.

As Jesus says in Luke 6:21b: “Blessed are those who weep now, for you will laugh” (NIV).
Yes, our day of laughter is coming! Another question may come to mind and one that even Joni asked: “Why does God pile on hardships so high?” (p. 121, Tada and Estes). Stay tuned for Part 5 for her answer and more.