Learning to be Content

Last month, I had the pleasure and blessing of attending a women's retreat where I was truly ministered to through the sessions digging into God's Word and exposing our obsessions with self and comfort that are preventing us from flourishing.  The music was also so spiritually challenging and was so cohesive with the truths being presented and did a great job pointing us to God reminding us of his sovereignty, love, and care.

As I had mentioned in my blog post "Waiting for the Morning," God has been convicting me of my lack of contentment.  The depths of my discontentment were exposed at this women's retreat.  The speaker at the retreat was author and Crossway editor Lydia Brownback, and each women was given one of her devotional books she has written on various topics.  The book I happened to get was on Contentment.  I laughed at God's sovereignty in that when I simply chose the packet in which the book was beautifully tucked based on the green cover I saw (my favorite color is green).

I have been meditating on the devotionals since then and working hard to be content on a daily basis.  I have far to go, but I am making progress and experiencing greater daily joy as a result in a shift in my focus--upward not inward or outward.

When comparing the present to the past and future, Lydia says, "[The present] is better because God is the one who brought us where we are today.  And the God who led us here is good, kind, and let's not forget, purposeful.  Everything he does in our lives, everywhere he leads us, is designed to fulfill his primary intention for us, which is to know him better.  Contentment does not lie around the next corner.  It is not waiting for us on the other side of today's difficulty, nor is it lost with yesterday.  Contentment is where God is, and God is with us today" (Contentment by Lydia Brownback, p. 24).

Earlier in the book, Lydia says, "Contentment in the valleys comes when we stop fighting so hard to climb out.  God is the one who leads us into the valleys, and he will lead us back out in his time.  God ordains valleys for our good; why else would a good and kind God allow them?  Trusting God in our hard times is the way to contentment--not just trusting him to get us out, but trusting his goodness while we are still in them" (Contentment by Lydia Brownback, p. 16).

The truths of these words were enough to knock the wind out of me and make me really reflect on how I was living my day to day life.  I have continued to trust God in the hard times.  I learned from an early age of trials to not let difficulties rob me of my trust in God.  However, what I have been failing to do is look at the hard times through the lens that God would have me view them.  I am not content in the hard times.  I am often distracted with praying for them to end quickly and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel that I don't realize what God is doing in me in the moment.  After all, James 1:2-4, 12 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  The process within the trials has purpose, and I am missing that truth too often because I am too busy fighting the process!

Hebrews 13:5b says to "be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Going back to the phrases I find myself saying often these days: "God is ENOUGH!"  or "God's God this!"  I conclude as this verse promises -- God is with me, and He will never let me go.  As I shared one of my favorite songs in my post "Waiting for the Morning," God will hold me fast.  I CAN be content in being kept in His wondrous care just as Paul says in Philippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Many of you are aware of the current situation with our oldest especially if you have read my post "Learning to Let it All Go."  Things with him continue to get more difficult, and he is becoming more hardened toward God and his faith in Him.  We are very concerned about his spiritual state.  Our prayers are often pleas with God to hold onto his heart and not let him go.

I read Jen Wilkin's book None Like Him last Fall.  It's a book that digs deeply into the incommunicable attributes of God and how we often vainly try to take on those attributes ourselves.  That book totally changed the depth of how I view God and his majesty and awesomeness and convicted me in so many ways.  I turn back to that book frequently to be reminded of who God is and who I am.  Not too long ago, as we were really struggling with our concerns about Josh's spiritual state and current rebellion against God, this statement by Jen jumped out at me: "We cannot create hope where there is hopelessness...We cannot create repentance where there is unrepentance, but we can cry out to the God who can." I can be content that I am resting in the one and only Self-existent, Creator-God who is fully capable in continuing His miraculous work of redemption and sanctification not only in my life but in my son's life as well.

Tim and I spend some time each night having devotions together as a couple.  As part of our devotions, we use the Tabletalk devotional booklet.  I love what Dr. James Harvey III said in his devotional for May 5-6 called "Rediscovering Contentment," and I have made his statement my resolve:  "I am going to lead the life the Lord has assigned to me, the life to which God has called me.  I am going to find satisfaction and joy in Christ, whether in a season of trial or blessing" (p. 37).

A Year in Review

As I reflect on Mary's song in response to God's work in her life, I find that I too can praise God as she has for the work God has done in my own life.

...“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant...
...for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.
And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation.
(Luke 1:46-50 ESV)

This year has been extremely full.  I started off my year successfully completing my nursing boards and getting my RN license.  By April, I had a job through Personal Health Care as a home health nurse for special needs pediatric clients.  It definitely was not the hospital maternity job I wanted, but I have come to love my job and my clients tremendously.

In April, Tim and I took a large leap of faith in our pursuit to fulfill God's call on our lives for service in missions as we went on a Vision Trip to Bulgaria to see if that is where God would have us serve Him full time.  Our time there was amazing, and we could definitely see ourselves fitting into the ministries there and into the missionary family that is already serving there.  However, through many different circumstances God has brought into our lives this year, our pursuit of missions has once again been put on hold.

Sofia, Bulgaria

Joshua, now 7 years old, has had a good year in many ways.  He has come a significant way in his therapies for his Asperger's Syndrome.  He's definitely had some really rough spots this year with increased anxiety and behavior issues causing the addition of a new medication as well as dose adjustments to both to help him with his anxiety, impulse control, and focusing ability.  The most exciting parts of his year were when we passed his food challenges for both eggs and peanuts officially allowing him to be food-allergy free and lightening my purse significantly with not having to carry benadryl and epi-pens all of the time.

Joshua, 7 yrs. old

Josh is having a great year in second grade.  We are thankful for a really great special ed team this year who work really well with Josh and treat us as equal team members keeping us very informed.  Josh met all of his behavior goals for his wraparound services who provided him with a behavior specialist and mobile therapist for help in the home as well as school.

David, now 5 years old, has had another rough year physically with his continued battle with bacterial infections due to his immune dysfunction.  He has stumped doctors in his ability to come down with tonsillitis while on Augmentin to treat another bacterial infection 2 different times!  He managed to squeak by the threat of impending surgery thankfully by his body deciding to not come down with a 6th bout of tonsillitis, for which we are thankful since he has already had to have 2 other surgeries in past years thanks to recurring bacterial infections.  We had to make the most difficult decision regarding his health late this summer when after much testing, no cause could be found for his body's inability to produce enough IgG antibodies which are needed to fight off bacterial infections.  He was given the official diagnosis of Primary Immune Deficiency Disorder, and since after being on a prophylactic antibiotic for over a year, he was still getting infections 1-2 times each month, the only other treatment option was for him to get antibody blood transfusions.  These transfusions, because they are only antibodies in plasma, are from 70+ donors instead of the usual 1 donor for whole blood.  The good thing is that because it is not whole blood, it can undergo more rigid cleansing processes.  However, the risk of a blood-borne transmission is still present.  Since we had exhausted all other options, we  decided to go through with the transfusions, and David started them at the beginning of September.  Thankfully, they are done subcutaneously with the use of a pump and take only an hour each time.  We only have to do them once a week now, so it's not too time consuming.  I am able to do the transfusions so we don't have to rely on a nurse coming to the house or having to take David to a hospital where he will be exposed to more germs.  After a couple of infections before reaching therapeutic antibody levels, David has now been infection free for almost 2 months which is the longest he has gone in his entire life!

David, 5 yrs. old

David started Kindergarten this Fall at West-Mont Christian Academy.  He has a harem of girls who follow him around at school, and he loves it!  We are thankful for his sweet spirit and his desire to make good choices to glorify God.

Tim has been thoroughly enjoying his job as financial adviser, and his job flexibility has been a blessing in light of my recent illness.  Tim has had to step up and do a lot at home to take over many of my responsibilities.  He never complains and is a real encouragement to me.  We praise the Lord for the health and strength with which He has blessed Tim.

Having a migraine for 2 months straight now is definitely taking its toll on my body and my spirit, but God has been faithful, and His grace has been sufficient.  I am still awaiting some test results and have a few more specialist appointments coming up this month.  I just weaned off of my old drug due to problematic side effects and started a new drug, so I've been dealing with a great deal of pain as a result of the weaning process and am hoping that the side effects of this new drug are less severe.  I am learning to rely on God in a deeper way and have experienced His peace on a completely broader level throughout this painful and scary time of learning about my brain lesion and going through so many tests for so many scary diseases.  Thankfully the worst possibilities have been ruled out, but we remain without answers for what it is and what is causing the migraine pain or the neurological symptoms.  Having to wait for God's timing in all of this has been hard and the temptation to despair gets stronger as time passes, but the only thing we can do is wait on the Lord and trust Him to accomplish His will in our lives.

God has taught me so much through all of this.  The promise of Philippians 4:7 has come to mean a lot to me:  "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (ESV).  In our devotions together, Tim and I are continuing to use the Table Talk magazine, and we just finished the discussion on Philippians this month.  I was really encouraged by the reminder the writer of Dec. 23's article gave us in his discussion of Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me:" 

"Our peace amid joy and tribulation is not based on our ability to calmly face life but on the facts that we belong to Christ, that He never lets us go, and that He is faithful to give us the grace to live for Him no matter our circumstances...If we depend on our own power and character in the midst of storms, we will by no means find lasting peace.  But when we trust in Christ and seek to do everything in Him, we can serve Him faithfully.  This does not mean that our concerns do--or even should--go away; rather it means that our concerns no longer define our lives and bind us with worry.  On the contrary, we rest satisfied in the Lord no matter what happens around us."

Our prayer is not only that we not lose site of these valuable truths and our faith remains strong, but we pray that this will be so in the lives of all our families and friends so that they too can relish in God's love and perfect peace!  

Renewing the World

Since Tim and I were dating, we started the habit of doing devotions together as a couple.  Since marriage, we've made that a daily commitment in addition to our personal devotions and now, our family devotions.  We've been reading through the entire Bible over and over again by reading together a chapter a day then read the daily reading from Tabletalk (If you have never heard of this devotional magazine, we HIGHLY recommend it. The daily and weekend readings are so full of the richness of God's Word and challenge us regularly.).

Last night during our devotional time together, we read Isaiah 61 which talks about the Messianic preacher who obviously was fulfilled in Jesus Christ.  The richness of the first 3 verses (read them below) really stood out to me as I meditated on them and realized that just as Jesus Christ fulfilled this prophecy and through these actions, renewed the world, we too are called to follow Jesus and do the same.  It excited me to think about the fact that not only do I need to carry out this responsibility on a daily basis with the people God brings across my path as I go about my daily routine, but God is calling me to carry out this mandate in a country where God is not known or His Word regularly proclaimed.  What a responsibility!  At times, it seems overwhelming to think about, but then other times, I feel so inadequate of such a responsibility.  I praise the Lord for choosing to use this weak and broken vessel called "Christine" for His purposes and ultimately, for His glory!  I accept this calling with joy and am willing to take the mountain top experiences as well as the valleys that will come along with it.    

God has been using moments like this to reaffirm His calling for my life.  Sometimes it comes in passages of Scriptures like this one.  Other times, it's a song that I hear.  A few times, it has been something someone has said to me or something I heard.  At times, it was something one of my children said or did.  No matter how God chooses to work, He is at work changing my heart of stone into flesh and confirming His will in my life.  What a comfort!

Isaiah 61:1-3: The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor; 
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.