The Battle for Contentment

These last few, very long months have ushered in sorrow, hardship, darkness, and anguish of soul for our family.  Having a child with special needs is never easy, but having to care for a child with special needs when the world turns upside down, health services cease, and community supports are ripped away from you makes life feel impossible. 

A child with Autism thrives on structure and routine and knowing what to expect.  When things become outside of one's control, anxiety ravishes the mind and body.  Enter mid-March: school suddenly gets closed disrupting the weekly, daily schedule of school, mental health supports and therapies at school, and keeping the mind engaged. In home therapies must turn to virtual Zoom meetings. Our oldest's world was turned upside down thus turning our lives upside down.  His only hope was that he would be going to Allegany Boys Camp, a therapeutic wilderness residential program on April 1.  This young man valiantly tried to hold it together with the hope of having a schedule and not hearing about the chaos of the world once he got to camp.  Enter April: Two days before admission to camp, we got the anguishing phone call that the Maryland Health Department has shut down the camp and all boys are to remain home until it's deemed safe enough for them to return.  In that one moment, the one thread of hope keeping our son from coming unglued was ripped away from him resulting in the worst melt-down ever and the worst night of my life where I was truly unable to help my son in his anguish.  I will never forget the helpless feeling of that dark night when my son locked himself in his room threatening to kill himself and kill us if we came in.  His soul was being tormented, and he needed skilled mental help.  I called the crisis line and was told the most horrific thing: most ERs are not taking mental health patients right now due to the virus, and if we called around and found one, only the patient would be allowed in (by himself without a parent - impossible for a child with Autism!) and that psychiatric hospitals were not taking in new patients.  My only consolation according to the therapist was that if my son killed himself, I wouldn't be held liable.  That was supposed to ease my fears????  I felt my heart die that night.

During all of this time, Tim and I still had to work.  I was becoming more busy since births don't stop, and some moms were switching from hospital births to home births.  On top of it, I have been filling  in for another midwifery practice while that midwife was on maternity leave since the end of April (I had agreed counting on the fact that Josh would be at camp). The juggle of work, trying to keep Josh calm, and the guilt of neglecting David began to overwhelm me.  It didn't help that we couldn't just access the help of community supports as we've been able to do in the past, although we did enjoy times of reprieve going to Tim's parents' house in order to save our sanity. As weeks turned into a month plus with no hope of the camp reopening, it began to become harder to pray.  I felt like a broken record with my prayers never getting past the ceiling.  I was losing hope of deliverance.  The prayers of friends and family carried us through and were a lifeline to us.  My prayers for the camp to open faded into, "Lord Jesus, please return today or call us home to be with you!"  Hope of deliverance from this current suffering faded, and I found myself just trying to survive each day trusting that God's grace had to be sufficient for each day. 

Meditating through a Precepts study on Hope helped to sustain me and remind me that no suffering in this present world can take away the hope (certain expectation) I have of God's salvation.  I have to remind myself almost daily that

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - II Corinthians 4:16-18

These troubles do NOT feel light or momentary, and it is so easy to lose heart.  The daily violent meltdowns wear me down and rob me of joy and hope.  To see my son in anguish and my other son silently hurting in the chaos brings sorrow and anguish to my soul.  I get discouraged for feeling discouraged and losing hope.  Then I am reminded that I am not alone in those feelings.  After all, the Sons of Korah wrote:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:5 and repeated in Psalm 42:5 and 43:5

The NASB uses the phrase "why are you in turmoil within me" instead of "disturbed within me."  I think both translations appropriately describe the state of my soul.  Especially as bad went to worse resulting in our having to hospitalize our son once again (thankfully psychiatric hospitals are taking new patients out of necessity) just last week, I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one to feel so low and distressed and that even in the midst of such feelings, I can still hope in God and praise Him.

In these low times, I can remember:

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.  We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you." - Psalm 33:18-22

As I search my heart through all of this, I have found a huge obstacle in my sanctification process.  A dear sister and fellow sufferer in Christ sent me an encouraging email and reminded me of an important lesson that Paul had to learn that is essential for each of us to learn and that is to be content!  That reminder spoke directly to my heart! Paul says in Philippians 4:11, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."  He goes on to say in Philippians 4:12b-13, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." It is so hard to be content when daily life is such a battle.  My life is easy to what Paul endured, so if remembering that he can do all things through Christ who gives him strength, then so can I!  My new prayer is now, "Please help me to be content in the circumstances of today."  With daily news of this virus nonsense and resulting (and unnecessary and damaging shut-down, in my opinion), it is so hard to be content!  Yet, somehow, I have to keep on going and remembering that God is in control and working ALL things for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28).  I may not like how He's doing it, but I must find a way to be content in His sovereign will for my life and that of my family's.  I have to remember Paul's words from II Corinthians 4:17 (passage shared above) that my "light and momentary troubles are achieving for [me] an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."  That battle for contentment is real, but I must keep fighting!

Until I reach my eternal glory, I must

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12

I resolve so to do!

2019: A Year of Many Changes

If we learned anything in 2019, it’s that God is still the God of miracles.  We entered 2019 feeling pretty hopeless about our situation with our oldest, and by Spring, things went from bad to worse giving us no hope of ever bringing him home again.  Out of desperation, we rallied together a group of prayer warriors, changed up the way we were praying for our oldest, and watched God do the miraculous taking us from the lowest of low—even leaving the doctor and therapists hopeless—to a complete turnaround when our son surprised us and his therapist five days later by stating that he has changed his mind and wants to come home.  The transformation was so radical, we were all skeptical that it was going to last, but praise be to God, it continued to the point that our son was finally able to come home for good December 18.  He has changed in so many ways not just in his desire to come home, but in his relationship with God, desire to be in church, and desire to serve. Only God could transform him and cause all of these remarkable changes in his life.   Bringing our son home was exciting and scary at the same time.  We had to make many changes to the way our household functions, but this was the answer to prayer we never thought we’d see. We know that his mental health status could change at any time, but we know that God will continue to meet all of his and our needs according to His good purpose and glory.

David, now 13 and in 8th grade, faced changes to his school and adjusted to having his closest friend no longer be at his school.  He also had to change Taekwondo facilities, but the change allowed him to be under a more skilled instructor with more rigorous instruction, and by this Spring, he will have earned his black belt!  He continues to love playing his violin and most recently (and unexpectedly) played his violin in an orchestra for a 9-movement choral piece performed by two schools (including his) and many alumni and other people in the community.  David has also passed me in height this year leaving me to be the shortest in our family.

Josh, now 15 and in 10th grade, has grown over 6” this year!  He excels in his tech shop at school.  He has matured in many ways this year.  He is starting to think about his future and what he wants to do in life.  He enjoys helping to lead worship in his Sunday School class and loved singing tenor in our church choir for the Christmas Eve service.  It’s wonderful to see him using his talents for God’s glory.

After battling a back injury as a nurse for two years, I was forced out of my employment at Bayada Pediatrics at the end of January as we made settlement with workman’s comp for my injury, which has left me with permanent restrictions for how much weight I can carry preventing me from working as a nurse.  As God closed the door on nursing, God opened the door for me to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a midwife.  I started the training in February and finished the necessary requirements in November.  I just need to submit my final paperwork and take a test to become a Certified Professional Midwife.  I will be continuing at the clinic where I trained for more experience while starting my own practice over the next few months.  It has been a blessing to finally be doing what I believe I was made to do and use this profession to minister to so many women.

Tim has experienced changes at work as he continues to take on more ownership and responsibility at The Life Financial Group.  He has been learning how to lead his office team effectively to help them better serve their clients.  He has had a wonderful year at the office and loves being able to help people wisely manage their money and invest for their future.

We also changed churches this Spring after praying for direction about being in a church where the spiritual needs of our whole family could be met and our family could enjoy community.  We are enjoying building relationships and being challenged in our walks with God.

As we begin 2020, we know there are a lot of unknowns about the future, but we know we have a miracle-working God who is directing our lives daily.  We have confidence that God will guide us each step of the way.  We are eager to see what God has in store for us in this coming year and this new decade. To God be the glory!

Philippians 1:6: “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Longing for Heaven

As our family circumstances continue to remain so hopeless from my human perspective and as the world around us seems to be in a frenzy over so many issues, I have found myself longing for heaven.  I find myself often sending a prayer to God begging that He come back today.  I hate pain, and I hate sorrow.  I hate struggle, and I hate hardship.  So much of my life seems just that, and I am ready for the hope of salvation and eternal life with my God and Savior.  I am ready for the day when God will wipe away every tear and there will be no more pain or sorrow.

As I studied I Peter in the Fall and II Peter the past three months, I have had much time reading about suffering and the hope of salvation and heaven (I Peter) and how to keep going until the coming day of the Lord (II Peter).  It has given me much time for reflection and has helped remind me that my suffering is not for naught.  God has me in a dry and weary land to grow me and make me more like Him.  He is burning off the dross in the refining fire (I Peter 1:7) until He can see His reflection in my life.  I don't have to go through the fire alone because He is always with me.  At times, I am aware that I am surviving because He is carrying me through the worst of it.  Yet, at times, I find myself longing for the times that God would lead me beside the still waters and cause me to lie down in green pastures.  The dessert is a dry and harsh place to be.  The storm beats down on all sides.  However, God remains sovereign, and my hope of salvation remains.  I just need to keep on trusting and striving to know "Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death" (Philippians 2:10).

Until God does return or call me home, I have to take each day as it comes looking to the hope of my salvation as I enter heaven.  Until then, day by day, I find strength to meet my trials here.

My favorite hymn is "Day by Day."  David and I got to play a musical rendition of it in church a few months back.  Reflect on the truths of these words below as you listen to the music:



Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.

Translator: A. L. Skoog; Author: Carolina Sandell (1865)

A Weary World Rejoices

Peace, Joy, Love, Good News, Hope—all are typical salutations and greetings that get tossed around as people wish one another Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays—words we so often take for granted yet don’t often take time to think about what they mean.

As another tough year comes to an end for our family, I have had to think very deeply about these words and seek to understand and see their meaning in our current circumstances.  For those who are currently or have recently experienced trials and hardships, these words may fall empty on them as well—perhaps it’s the death of a loved one or loss of a job, maybe it’s a rift in the family, or maybe it’s a serious health issue.  Can these words ring true even for these individuals?  After much reflection on that question along with what I learned from my women’s Bible study on I Peter I went to this Fall, I would emphatically say yes, those words can ring true if that individual is a believer.  Because I am a believer in Jesus Christ, they can ring true for me despite the deep, dark trials that seek to drown me.

PEACE – If you are in the midst of trials, how can you have peace?  We have the promise of Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”  Jesus gives us peace not as the world gives, but He gives peace so that we don’t have to have hearts that are troubled or afraid (John 14:27).  Philippians 4:5b-7 says: “…the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  In I Peter 3:11b-12a, Peter reminds us to “seek peace and pursue it.  The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears attend to their prayer.”  He goes on to tell us in 5:7 to “[cast—throw upon, give up to God] all your anxieties on [God], because he cares for us].”  Peter exhorts us throughout his first epistle to be humble in respect to God and all other relationships.  Here in chapter 5, he exhorts us to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God.  If we are humbling ourselves to God, we are giving Him complete control in our lives.  This has been a work in progress for me over this last year as I come to terms with not having control over the situations in my life and that of my family’s.  If I do humble myself and give complete control to God (which He already has whether I want Him to or not), then I can have peace.  I have no need to have anxiety or worry.  Peace is mine in the midst of my trials just as it was to the believers Peter was writing to who were aliens and strangers in a land where they were hiding from persecution.  Jesus came to this earth as a baby so that He can give and leave His peace with us (John 14:27).

JOY – The Bible commands us to REJOICE in suffering (Romans 5:3-4) and consider the various trials we face “pure joy” (James 1:2-4).  Our family is broken and hurting, our relationships are strained, we are filled with sadness and grief.  Why can I have joy in that?  I Peter tells me why:  God has called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light (I Peter 2:5); Christ died for my sins, the just for the unjust, to bring me to God (I Peter 3:18); and Jesus’ blood has removed the stain of my sin so I can stand before Him (I Peter 3:18).  So, I don’t need to be “surprised at the fiery ordeal” but can keep on rejoicing (I Peter 4:12-13).  After I “have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called [me] to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish” me (5:10).  No trial can rob me of the joy that comes through Christ who came to this world as a baby to bring Joy to this world.

LOVE – We know the betrayal of love on many levels, yet we are told to “keep fervent in [our] love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8).  God knew betrayed love.  We were created by Him in His image, yet we left our first love.  We rejected Him and chose sin.  Because of this betrayal, God had to send His only Son to Earth as a baby only to grow up and die for us so that we can be bought back (redeemed) and restored to our first love (justification).  This was love in action.  Jesus laid down His life so that we could live—love that took Him to the cross.  This love continues in the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in our lives as we are perfected so that one day, we will be glorified when we see God face to face.  I Peter is so rich in reminding us of the love that led to our justification, sanctification, and glorification.

GOOD NEWS – As news we have been receiving about our loved one becomes bleaker and more distressing, we find ourselves doubting that we will ever hear good news.  However, we have Good News in our life because of Christ.  We are “chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood,” which is why Peter can then say, “May grace and peace be yours to the fullest measure.” (I Peter 1:1-2).  Because God chose us, we are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession so that [we] may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called [us] out of darkness into His marvelous light” (I Peter 2:9), and we come to Christ as a “living stone…choice and precious in the sight of God” (I Peter 2:4).  The Good News of great joy that the angels came to share with the shepherds was that a Savior, Christ the Lord and God in flesh has been born.  Jesus has come to rescue His people!  As John Piper so eloquently reminded us in his devotional “Christmas Solidarity:”

Christmas is good news for man and good news for God.
"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners" (I Timothy 1:15).  That’s good news for us.
"The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil" (I John 3:8).  That is also good news for God.”

Jesus came to lead a revolt against Satan.  That revolt started at his birth, and that is GREAT NEWS for us! Mary and Joseph were told to call their Son “Jesus,” “for He will save His people from their sins” and “Immanuel,” which means “God with us” (Matthew 1:21, 23).  We don’t just have Good News, we have GREAT NEWS, and nothing can take that away from us!

HOPE – Life’s circumstances may leave you feeling utterly hopeless at times, but no matter how dark our day or deep our valley, we as believers always have hope.  This hope is the “joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation” (Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).  We are “born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for [us]” (I Peter 1:3b-4).  In this we “greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary [we] have been distressed by various trials so that the proof of [our] faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:6-7).  Therefore, we can “fix [our] hope [confident and joyful expectation] completely on the grace to be brought to [us] at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:13b).  Hope that the Jews had in the coming of a Messiah was fulfilled in the birth of the baby Jesus.  Our Hope for salvation began at that same baby’s birth, and we look forward to the day it will be fulfilled at His second coming!

Who knew I Peter could give insight into the blessings of Christmas?  I sure didn’t until I spent these last several months digging deep into the book allowing God to use it to remind me of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in Him that I have through Christ.  As you celebrate Christ’s birth this Christmas, I pray you are reminded of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope you have in Christ, and if you don’t yet have these, I pray that you find this great Savior for yourself so that you too can know and forever have His peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in your life!

Merry Christmas!  God be praised!

The Growth of Summer

I love watching things grow during the summer.  I especially look forward to the growth and production of my organic vegetable garden every year.  Usually, my garden grows out of control, and we are swimming in its harvest and giving plenty of the bounty away because we can't consume, can, or dehydrate it fast enough.  This year in particular has been a very slow year of growth with my garden thanks to a pesty groundhog who gave up digging under the fence and instead goes through the fence and climbs up the raised beds to devour my garden.  I have trapped him once, but Tim inadvertently let him go when the trap door of the trap opened unexpectedly as he lifted up the trap.  Of course, the varmint isn't dumb enough to get trapped twice despite our tempting efforts.  It has been the most frustrating summer of growth that way.

However, there has been good growth in so many other ways this Summer.  Our boys are the most visible growth.  They have shot up so quickly the past few months growing a few inches each with Josh soaring past me in height.  It's been difficult to keep them in clothing!  We have grown as a family as Josh makes progress in his residential treatment, and the family relationship has been given time to heal and improve.  We have been able to go away for 2 week-long vacations spending really special, quality time with David giving him our long-overdue attention and making special memories together without the drama of a brother with Autism.  Tim and I have been able to grow in our marriage relationship having extra time to spend together just the two of us.  Lastly, I have experienced growth of a different kind.

This summer has been a time of spiritual growth for me.  My trust in God has been strengthened as I continue to learn anew (almost daily) that I am not in control of anything--especially my children, but that God is, and that's ok.  As a result, I've grown in my ability to let go and let God.  My love for and marvel of God has grown as I've had a chance to dig deeper into God's Word through a summer women's book/Bible study I was able to participate in bringing a whole new perspective to life and God's sovereignty and gifts.  My hunger to learn God's Word has grown as I've been challenged to memorize passages of Scripture and say them to others in the book study who keep me accountable and memorize verses also.  I've also grown in my experience of and participation in the edification of the Church body as I weekly spent time with some lovely, Godly women at this study.  I didn't realize how hungry and thirsty I was for Christian, female friendship, and being able to satifsy those longings has renewed my spirit.

As the Summer comes to an end, I am so grateful to God for the growth He has given to our family, and especially for the way he has grown His love and care in my heart and life.  I am strengthened and encouraged as I look to the start of another school year with many new and uncertain challenges ahead of our family, because I know the time of growth this summer will help carry me through all that God brings across our path.

Growth this Summer in the sunflower field of Please Wash Me Car Wash in Elverson, PA

2017 - The Year We NEVER Want to Repeat

As we come to the end of 2017, we are more than eager to shake off the dust from the year and move forward.  2017 was the worst year of our lives and one that we truly NEVER want to repeat.  Our year end updates are usually positive with lots of wonderful things to report, which is the norm for most people's yearly updates.  Who wants to report the bad stuff?  It's always better to report the good.  Just as in social media, we fall into the trap of trying to always report the good times and often put forth an embellished representation of ourselves or our lives.  As I started thinking about our year end report and how to make our nightmare of a year look happy and good, I decided to make it real and share with you the good, the bad, and the ugly.  As horrid as the year was, God remained faithful and good, so we find joy and encouragement in that.

The beginning of 2017 found us earnestly praying for God's leading and direction to take our whole family on a family missions trip for the first time.  It was a huge step of faith for us as it was a huge financial undertaking. There were concerns about the safety there with some unrest that had been going on. Then there were lots of concerns with Josh and his Autism and whether or not he would be able to handle the unknowns of new places, smells, language, routines, foods, and people not to mention the eleven hour flight one way when he had never flown before.  On top of that, puberty hit hard for Josh starting this Spring causing mood destabilization with his Bipolar.

The brightest and happiest part of our year was the time our family was able to spend together serving God in our favorite country in the Middle Eastern area.  We were amazed by the generosity of family and friends and our church who financially and prayerfully supported our family on this trip making it possible for us to go and helped confirm God's will for us to go on this trip.  The fellowship we had with our brothers and sisters in the Lord over there was so wonderful and encouraging to all.  It was so wonderful to introduce our boys to them and see our love for these dear friends be shared by our boys.  When things got difficult the rest of the year, I often found myself going back to the memories made during this trip and praising God for such a wonderful opportunity and for light in the midst of so many sorrows.

Upon our return from that trip in May, things quickly fell apart.  I returned to work only to severely injure my back lifting a patient which led to intense physical therapy and monthly visits with an orthopedic doctor as I worked to strengthen the area around the herniated, bulging, and torn L4-L5 disc. By the end of the month, we had to hospitalize Josh to help get his mood stabilized.

Things continued to be intense with Josh even after he returned home, and by July, we had to re-hospitalize him.  From that point on, his treatment team started encouraging us to consider residential treatment.  Our home health aide services for Josh fell apart forcing us to have to take turns leaving work early to care for Josh after school. No matter how hard we tried to avoid residential, that's where God led us.  Thankfully, He used a few moms and one dad to really encourage us in the decision and give us hope.  The process of getting Josh into a residential program was very difficult and took over a month to complete.  Upon admission at the beginning of November, things fell apart with the facility backing out on their word to allow Josh to use his natural supplements and essential oils which help to keep him as stable as possible.  We had to make the decision to leave Josh there for his safety even if it meant allowing his mood stability to possibly worsen without those natural supports.  We then began looking for a new facility for Josh who would allow for the use of his natural supports to keep his continuity of care that has been supported by his four treating doctors.

In the middle of November, I ended up in the ER with severe abdominal pain and found out I needed to have a large polyp removed from my uterus as soon as possible.  Surgery was scheduled for the next week on Wednesday, November 23.  It was a simple outpatient surgery, and I was discharged that afternoon and given permission by the surgeon to travel to my parents' house that evening for Thanksgiving.

By that evening, I started to feel very strange but couldn't figure out what was wrong.  That led to a very scary next 24+ hours for my family as I was unresponsive following a grand mal seizure.  For more details on that whole event, read my blog post about the ordeal.  After a two day stay in the ICU and three days total in the hospital, I was released in time for us to return home from our Thanksgiving trip to my parents' house.

Upon arrival home, many appointments with specialists were made and more tests were done to check into the state of my health.  In less than a week after our arrival home, Josh was able to be transferred to a new residential treatment facility where he was able to resume the use of his natural supplements and essential oils.

Also in December, I suddenly got taken out of physical therapy and discharged by my orthopedic and listed as "permanently disabled" with lifting/weight restrictions and permanent light duty classification due to my back injury in May.  After consulting with a lawyer, I am working on getting an appointment with a physiatrist to be able to resume physical therapy and work my way up to a higher lifting weight ability which will continue to be covered by workman's comp.

Just this past week, I was cleared by the cardiologist regarding the heart complications I was experiencing since my hospitalization in November.  There was concern about permanent damage to my heart from my dangerously low sodium levels that caused the near-death experience in the first place.  However, the symptoms were not from the damage but instead a complication from the de-conditioning from being so sick in the ICU and the Neurocardiogenic Syncope I have had since college that had been under control until my hospitalization.  The cardiologist believes I will make a full recovery and that it will just take time for me to return to "normal."  My blood tests this past week also showed that everything has returned to normal limits, which occurred much faster than expected, and we are grateful.  The only outstanding concern is related to a new brain lesion found when a CT Scan was done while I was unresponsive.  I have followed up with my neurologist about it who wants more MRIs done, but we are not in a hurry to follow up on those tests for now.

Meanwhile, during these crazy months, there's Tim and David, who are just trying to survive and cope with all of the drama.  Tim has has his own various battles to fight including trying to keep up with his work at the office especially when needing to miss work due to Josh's or my needs.  Despite a difficult and interrupted work schedule, he had his best year yet in growing his business.  We are grateful for God's goodness in that!  Tim has also had to juggle for this past month his own daily responsibilities while picking up many of my own responsibilities since I have been too weak to do much and have spent a lot of my time resting on the couch or in bed.  We have been grateful for our church family and other friends who have helped us greatly in providing meals during this difficult time.

We have thanked the Lord so many times for David this year.  His early years struggling with failure to thrive, his immune disorder, and subsequent illnesses and antibody transfusions have helped make him the resilient eleven year old kid that he is today not to mention the hardships of being a brother to someone with Autism and other mental health struggles.  David took each thing in stride with very little complaints, yet we know how much he is struggling inside and how he fights to bottle it up.  Seeing him struggle with depression and anxiety symptoms was difficult, and we increased our efforts to help him work through his struggles.  On top of that, he began middle school this year as a sixth grader and experienced insane amounts of school work that even overwhelmed me as his mother.  He has had to struggle through a hard school year this Fall while dealing with so much drama in his household, and he remains resilient!  We see evidence of his faith growing.  Struggles aside, we have also seen David continue to blossom in his Taekwondo abilities, and David moved up into a full sized violin.  Being faithful to our promise, we purchased him his very own full sized violin, and we all enjoy listening to him play.  David had the privilege of playing very last minute (less than a week before the concert) in his school band in the Spring and also performed a violin solo during the concert.  In December, he had the privilege of playing his violin in the Concert Band (made up of 8th-12th grade instrumentalists from his school and another local Christian school) even though he is not in Band at school.  He was given a little more notice this time but still had one month less to prepare than the rest of the students and didn't have the twice weekly rehearsals like they had.  We love seeing David shine and use his abilities from God to bless others.

Josh is now thirteen years old, and he is doing well at the new residential treatment facility and has been there now for almost one month.  We are seeing signs of God at work in his heart and his life.  He is thriving in the highly structured environment that the facility provides and is enjoying being able to be back at his special school he had to leave when he got transferred to the first residential treatment center.  We pray that this time away will be a growing experience for him and will help him to be more stable and able to function at home and in the community to help him thrive.  He remains an animal-lover, and his cat and guinea pigs continue to be one of his greatest loves.  We look forward to when we can have him living at home with us again hopefully sometime in 2018.

My back injury has made me rethink my line of work and my future as a nurse.  I have began to look once again at options for becoming a midwife and have increased the number of clients I have as a doula.  I don't know what God has for me, but I am seeking His will and walking through the open doors He provides.  I am also trying to figure out how to increase my business of wellness coaching and essential oil education to be able to better serve my clients and grow my client base to help people live more natural and healthy lives.

Tim will be taking on more responsibilities at his office this coming year as his dad starts to turn over parts of the company to Tim.  He is excited about the increased responsibilities and the challenges to grow himself and his company that they present.

As I close, I don't want to leave you thinking that 2017 was all doom and gloom for the Russell family.  As difficult and trying as it was, God has wondrously carried us through.  He never failed us.  While we don't understand what He is trying to accomplish in the many things He has ordained for us to go through, we know that He is working all of these things out for our good and His glory.  His sovereignty over our lives is a comfort to us, and the circumstances has helped us to grow our faith and dependence on Him.  I leave with you Scriptures about God's sovereignty over our lives.  May they be a comfort to you as they have been to us, and may you see God's good work in your life as you enter 2018.

1 Chronicles 29:11-12 (NIV)  "Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all."

Job 42:2 (NIV)  "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

Psalm 135:6 (NIV) "The Lord does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths."

Psalm 18:30 (ESV) "This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him."

We enjoyed the time we were able to have as a whole family this Christmas Eve when Josh was allowed to come with us to celebrate Christmas with the Russell side of the family for a few hours.  

Sharing in the Sufferings of Christ at Christmas

Sufferings of Christ at Christmas? Yes, you read that right!  We all get caught up in the joy of Christmas, that most of us--me included--don't tend to think about the suffering and sorrow that occurred on that first Christmas.  This Christmas is a different story for our family, and while the sorrow and suffering has been difficult, it has provided a whole new and refreshing perspective on Christmas for us.

If you have ever lost a loved one and had to go through Christmas without that special someone or struggled with a significant physical ailment or care for a family member with special needs, you too may be able to relate with the sufferings of Christ during Christmas as well.  If you don't fall into any of those categories, it would be healthy for you to contemplate some of these thoughts I'd like to share with you.

Let's set aside the excitement and joy that comes naturally at the thought of Christ's birth because a Savior was born to us giving us the hope of eternal life.  Instead, let's think about what God Himself experienced that first Christmas!  Think about it:  Jesus--God in flesh--gave up the comforts of heaven, the presence and fellowship with His triune Godhead to  physically dwell with humanity on this earth.  He left His exalted throne in heaven to lie in a lowly feeding trough.  His first breath on earth brought him the smells of animals and hay.  He knowingly laid aside the right to be worshipped as God to be rejected by the people He created and came to save.  He came to this earth knowing He had to suffer and die because He was the only rescuer of our souls.  Leaving heaven, a place where there are no tears, pain, or disease, He came to this earth to experience sorrow, heartbreak, physical and emotional pain, and sicknesses just like any other human being.  God the Father sacrified His own Son, and that sacrifice began that first Christmas.  There had to be heartache and sorrow for Mary as she held her precious baby in her arms knowing the prophecies of the prophets and what Gabriel told her.  Instead of the joy of your precious baby, there was a shadow of the suffering her baby would experience on her behalf. Eight days after giving birth to her baby, she was reminded of that with the prediction of Simeon in the temple.  Are you starting to get the picture?

Paul in Philippians 3:10 says, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings..." We are getting a new perspective in the fellowship of his sufferings this year.

Our family knows suffering, and this year has been full of it -- more on that in my next blog post.  If you heard about our significant trial over Thanksgiving, you know that suffering has been very recent and that it continues as I continue to undergo tests and see specialists as we try to figure out how to get me back to health.  Having missed Thanksgiving, I wanted Christmas, which is also my favorite holiday of the year, to be extra special.  However, no matter how much I prayed and tried to feel better and made plans for Christmas, all of our usual traditions and special family times were missed or fell short of usual expectations because some days, I could barely get off the couch or out of bed.  As I type this, I am viewing our 1/3 of the way decorated Christmas tree that I so desperately wanted to see finished, and it's Christmas Eve!  Christmas shopping? -- still not finished.  We got the essentials done for our Christmas get together with Tim's family today at least.  I finished that on Friday, and we got the remaining few gifts for our sons in the mail yesterday. 

Our 1/3 decorated Christmas tree

Christmas day is a special time to be together as a family, and here, as we prepare for tomorrow, we have our oldest living at a residential treatment facility due to issues with puberty conflicting with his Autism and Bipolar, and our youngest is spending the night at his grandparents' house so that Tim and I can go up and visit with our oldest for two hours on Christmas.  We are grateful that he was allowed to join us for the Russell Christmas get together for eight hours today! That was a blessing!  Christmas is not feeling like Christmas.  I don't even get to enjoy participating in all of the usual festivities because being up and around causes shortness of breath and chest pain and fatigue.  Joy and excitement and motivation to celebrate? - that's a bit lacking this year!

Our only family picture from today

We have been reading through Paul Tripp's Advent devotional called Come Let Us Adore Him that a sweet friend gifted to us. It has been a blessing and encouragement to us in more ways than one. Paul Tripp brings out the sorrow and suffering of that first Christmas which really resonated with me and encouraged me that I can still experience Christmas and even experience it in a deeper way than I ever have before. Paul says, "The Christmas story reminds us that hopelessness is the only door to true and eternal hope...It's true that hope isn't a thing; it's a person, and his name is Immanuel. Celebrate hope this Christmas" (Tripp, p. 93).

I heard someone say just tonight that you can't experience true joy until you've experienced true suffering.  That is so true.  Despite our current suffering, we do have joy that this is all temporary and that we have a sure hope of eternity with God all because Christ was willing to come to this earth to suffer as a baby and grow up only to die for our sins.  Because of His suffering that started that first Christmas, we can look forward to no more suffering for all of eternity.  His suffering brought us hope!  As we suffer, we cling to that hope, and joy bubbles up as a result.  Because of His birth, God can turn our mourning into dancing lights; He can wipe away our tears; He can be our God of all comfort; and we can enjoy His peace that surpasses all understanding.

This Christmas, we find comfort in our sorrow, we are knowing Christ in a deeper way in His sufferings, and we still can celebrate the hope of what His birth means to us. It may not be a "Merry Christmas," but it remains a HOPE-filled Christmas!

We wish each of you a Blessed and Hope-filled Christmas!

It Takes a Village to Raise a Special Needs Child

The last two weeks have been utterly horrific and ones that I pray we will never have to repeat.  Josh came completely unglued emotionally leading to terrible and horrifying behaviors.  It was like reliving the unstable days of years past when his bipolar was not well controlled.  He has been stable for the last 3 years, but since we decided to do a family missions trip because Josh was so stable, it seems as if Satan is pulling out all of the stops to get us to change our mind.

We spent the last week and a half deliberating about whether or not to hospitalize Josh.  It was the most agonizing decision to make knowing he was completely out of control and out of our ability to control yet knowing that if we send him back to the hospital, it will be yet another traumatic experience for him complicated by the fact that the hospital simply drugs the kids to make them calm, keeps them in front of a TV screen all day to keep them under control, and feeds them all of kinds of food that we do not put into our bodies not to mention the gluten and refined sugars that would be served that are huge triggers for Josh and his mood/behaviors.  It was a no-win situation, but we were quickly running out of other options.

Throughout this struggle, we had dear friends from church who regularly checked in with us, sent me encouraging texts including reminders of helpful Scripture passages, and who came at a last minute's notice to allow us to get out of the chaos for a quick breath of fresh air and a chance to celebrate Tim's passing of his Certified Financial Planner exam.  I was encouraged by a phone conversation I had with one of Josh's youth leaders who was concerned about Josh and his behaviors and wanting to know how the youth leaders can help him be more successful in youth group then praying with me that God would help Josh through this difficult time and return to stability.  David's Christian counselor who had done a joint session with the boys the last week and could tell Josh was coming undone sent me an email to check in and see how we were doing and see if she can help in anyway.  Josh's school was extremely concerned and offered their help and support to us and did all that was necessary to help keep him under control as much as it was possible.  Josh's psychiatrist saw Josh on an emergency basis then gave me her cell phone number so that I could contact her at any time (and she walked with us through the battle of whether or not to hospitalize several different days over the last two weeks).  She is also a blessing in that she doesn't always see medication as the answer to problems.  Josh's nutritionist responded to my email asking if she had any suggestions for ways we can help Josh by offering her chiropractor husband's services before his office hours began to do some specialized neurological adjustments to help Josh, and as he did so, he spoke the Gospel to him.  The nutritionist then offered to squeeze Josh into her busy schedule to see if anything from a nutritional and supplemental standpoint could be done to help him.  We had another friend who still willingly came in the midst of the chaos to watch the boys so we didn't have to cancel our plans to go to a concert in Philly that we had bought tickets for back in December.  I had another friend who deals with similar drama in her household come alongside of me and check in with me all while being an encouragement just through her mutual understanding.  We also had many friends and family members praying for Josh and for us, and prayer is just what all of us needed!

I can't imagine having to do these last two weeks alone!  I am thankful for the village God has built up around us to stand with us in trials and support and encourage us.  Had it not been for the support of those faithful villagers, I am not sure what things would be looking like right now.  God through His goodness and providence has helped us have all that we needed to walk through this fire.

With the sudden return to stability Josh experienced yesterday (most likely due to the prayers, neurological adjustment, and supplement changes), we are more than ready to take deep breaths of fresh air.  However as I do so, I am praising God for our village and the way He used dear people to help us get to the other side.  Raising a child with special needs is not for the faint of heart, but it's also impossible to do alone.  It truly does take a village to raise a special needs child, and I am grateful that God has not left us alone!

Letting Faith Rest in the Power of God

As our date of departure for our family missions trip draws ever nearer, and the final plans are made, I found myself feeling more and more nervous about bringing our oldest on the trip with us due to his continued mood instability.  I feared for his safety with the way he was acting not to mention that I worried about how his behavior would be looked upon by the people in that culture.  I was praying that God would help him to become stable again, but it seemed that each day, there were only more problems rather than fewer.  I began doubting our decision and whether or not God wanted us to bring our son with us.  On top of that, I wrestled with the fact that the country we were headed to had fewer than 1% of the population who were Christians and there really wasn't a model for what a Christian family should look like in that culture except what the pastors and their families are presenting as they blaze the trail raising Christian families.  Part of my vision for the trip was that we could let the people there see what an American Christian family looks like.  However, with the way our oldest was behaving, that idea would be a disaster because we'd only show them how truly broken we really are.  I worried about showing that side.

I expressed my concern in a discussion with Tim who stated that it's not our mission to present to them a "perfect" Christian family.  It's our mission to be with them in body and Spirit encouraging and ministering to each other.  That's what a partnership is all about.  Through the ministry of one another, God builds His Church.  I was thankful for Tim's insight, input, and decision that we are going as a complete family no matter what.

The next day, in reading an excerpt from a meditations book written by missionaries with Josh, I had to smile at God's providence at the passage of Scripture and following reflection about that passage because it was just what I needed to read and meditate upon in my heart.

I Corinthians 2:1-5:  And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

God has this trip already worked out.  He has my son's stability under His control.  He's the one who called us to do this trip as a family, and He's the one doing amazing things to make this trip possible.  He has called us to be lights and bring the Gospel to all peoples making disciples.  We do that by presenting Christ in our brokenness.  We don't want to be making converts of the Russell Kingdom.  We want to make converts of Christ's Kingdom.  What better way to do that but through our own brokenness and desperate need for a Savior.  May these dear people we fellowship with see Christ and Christ alone in our broken lives and may all of the honor and glory go to Him who sustains us and gives us the strength to finish each day through His great and mighty power.

Interestingly enough, as soon as I embraced this new way of thinking, things calmed down in our household, and our son has seen the most stability yet since things got rough in December.  Perhaps God just needed to get my attention and teach me a lesson and grow my faith!  To God be the glory!

No Matter the Cost

As our family missions trip draws ever nearer, we are busy making plans and ironing out details and making reservations.  We are excitedly sharing our plans and desires for our trip with friends and family and asking for prayer and financial support.  We are also, more importantly, trying to mentally and spiritually prepare ourselves for the weeks ahead and the actual trip as we know that we "do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12).

In my own personal preparations, I just finished reading the book The Insanity of God: A True Story of Faith Resurrected by Nik Ripken, which has been a HUGE blessing to me personally and a significant spiritual growth stimulator in my own life.  This book has incredible stories of Christians who suffered through significant persecution yet kept their faith and had God do amazing work in and through their lives and/or deaths. I have been reminded through these stories and lessons the author learned through his conversations with these believers that God doesn't call us to go and make disciples to areas that are safe.  He simply calls us to GO (Matthew 28:19-20).  At the same time, Jesus warned his disciples and us that the world will hate us and persecute us (John 15).  We are reminded by the Apostle Paul that we are crucified with Christ and no longer live but instead, Christ lives in us (Galatians 2:20).  He reminds us that we should desire to "know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings, becoming like him in his death" (Philippians 3:10).

When we decided to do this family missions trip, we knew the risks we would be taking in going to a country suffering from unrest and where our dear sisters and brothers in Christ suffer various forms of persecution for their faith.  One of the churches we will be worshiping in is on terrorist group hit lists.  In a country with less than 1% Christians, it can get very lonely for believers, and the temptation to lose faith is great.  On the flip side, the opportunity for faith to grow and be ever resilient is greater for them than it is for us here in the comforts of our freedoms and our assumption of safety.  We want to go and minister to and encourage these dear saints.  At the same time, we hope to be challenged spiritually by their faith and learn to be ever faithful in the midst of suffering.  We want our fellowship with the believers to be a time of edification for them and us alike as we bear each others burdens and sharpen one another helping each other to be more like Christ so that through our lives more people will be led to Christ.  Isn't that the Gospel in action?

Some of our well-meaning friends and family have asked us whether or not we are truly being wise and thinking about our boys in choosing to take them into a dangerous area.  While we appreciate their care and concern for our family's well-being and safety, we have to follow God's calling in this area.  We have discussed with the boys the risks and allowed them to have the final say in whether or not they think it's worth it, and they are 100% behind this and so very eager to go.  We truly believe God has called us to do this, and He has been confirming this call in so many different ways (some even miraculous!) since we made this decision.  God hasn't called us to do this to put us in danger.  He has promised to be with us "always, to the very end of the age (Matthew 28:20).  Our lives (and our boys' lives) are not our own -- they have been bought with a price, and hence, we must glorify God with our bodies (I Corinthians 6:19-20).  Our lives are nothing to us, and like Paul, our desire is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord has given us - testifying to the Gospel of God's grace (Acts 20:24)!  We have been reminded by a dear friend from this area that we are truly "bullet-proof"!  No bullet will take our lives or wound us unless it was God's ordained "bullet" because His work in us on this earth is complete or He has greater plans for us.

Are there fears and concerns?  Sure, we are, after all, human!  What's greater is God's call on our lives to take up His cross and follow Him and carry out the Great Commission wherever He leads us - right here in Elverson, PA right now and in other places near and far away as He directs our steps.

This great God whom we serve sacrificed His own Son's life through a terrible, painful death on the cross so that our sins could be wiped clean, and we could once and for all have right standing before God and a home in His presence for all eternity.  He intricately formed us in our mother's wombs giving us the breath of life and ordaining all of our days.  He made us His children when we were filthy in our sins unable to desire Him.  He has walked with us through our various struggles in this life and has never failed us.  He comforts us with His Word and His church universal.  He strengthens us and showers us with His grace to survive each day He has planned for us.  This is love too great for me to comprehend!

As Isaac Watts penned in his great hymn "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross," "Were the whole realm of nature mine, that were a present far too small; love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all."  No matter the cost, I give my life and the lives of my boys to our great God!  Here I stand.  I can do no other!

The Greatest Valentine

As I left the house yesterday morning on Valentine's Day heading to work, I enjoyed the Valentine God sent me in the form of a beautiful sunrise.  The sky was painted in the most brilliant and vibrant pink colors.  As my eyes drank in the beauty of God's Valentine for me at that moment, it made me think about how God has given me the Greatest Valentine in the form of His precious Son and all of the lavish gifts He has given me since His Son.

His love for me was poured out as Jesus' blood ran down his body as He hung on the cross innocent of any wrong-doing but bearing my filthy sins on His body and taking my punishment.

His love is poured out for me when He sees me as holy and just because He sees me through His victorious and Holy Son.

His love is poured out for me on a daily basis as he sovereignly controls my daily events to make me more like Him.  Even the mundane tasks that demand my time and attention are a result of His love.

His love is poured out for me through the many blessings He gives me when I deserve only punishment.

His love is poured out for me in the grace He gives me as I walk through the waters and the fires of life's trials that only make me come out more refined as gold.

His love is poured out for me when I daily open His Word - His Love Letter to me - to hear from Him, learn more about Him, and grow to be like Him.  Yesterday, I stumbled upon the verse Zephaniah 3:17 and was awed by the demonstration of love in it.  As God, He has every right to damn me to eternal hell, but yet, instead of rebuking me, He chooses to REJOICE OVER ME with SINGING!  After all of the countless times I have held my precious boys close to my heart and sang over them to comfort them, to make them happy, to help them know they were loved, my great God does the same thing to me!  What an amazing thought!

His love is poured out for me when I spend time in prayer fellowshipping with him, praising Him, and lifting requests before His powerful throne of grace.

His love is poured out for me through the love of my husband who works so hard to provide for me, pitches in around the house to make my life easier, and loves our boys.

His love is poured out for me through my two boys as He molds and shapes their hearts, as they give me hugs and kisses, and as I clean up after them.

His love is poured out for me through the joy I get from music whether it's playing the piano, singing, helping my boys with their instrument practices, or simply listening to worship music.

His love is poured out for me through the friends who take time to notice, to pray, to spend time with me, to lend a helping hand.

His love is poured out for me through the chances to be the Gospel in someone's life and to see the universal church grow and flourish.

Yep, I have the greatest Valentine ever, and He is my great God!  The most amazing and wonderful thing is that He can be yours too!  If He is not already your Valentine, make Him yours today!  I'd love to help you do just that if you don't know how!

The Miracle of Hope

If you read my post "The Cost of Missions," I completed the post leaving you at my lowest point where Satan had found my weakness, and he had delivered the fatal blow - so he had thought!  I'm so glad our story didn't end there, but I never dreamed how incredible our story would transform from that point.  It all began with the most amazing miracle!

After a difficult day of work on December 20 caring for my patient while dealing with phone calls between Josh's school's principal, our behavior specialist, and Tim, I was emotionally drained and extremely stressed and frustrated.  I left work to go pick up Josh from Tim's office since Tim had to pick him up from school early due to behavior issues.  On my way, I had yet another difficult and frustrating phone call with Josh's principal which led to another call with the behavior specialist at which point I arrived at Tim's office an emotional mess having spent the majority of my day sobbing over the circumstances, crying at the pain and injustice Josh was experiencing, frustrated that I was stuck at work unable to be with my son when he needed me most, and stressed to get home because I knew David's bus would be dropping him off shortly.  At that point I got the final phone call from the behavior specialist who said there was no hope in changing the unfair circumstances for Josh for the day.  As I hung up with her, I got a call from David who arrived home and wanted to know where I was.  After telling him I'd be home as soon as I could, I hung up and broke down.  I had reached my end.  I was done fighting.  Satan's attacks on my family had been way more than I could have ever imagined, and I just couldn't stand to have him attack my kids one moment longer!  In sobs and tears, I said in defeat to Tim, "I can't do this any more!  I'm done fighting this battle!"  The moment those words were out of my mouth, my phone rang yet again.  Too emotional to answer it, I threw the phone at Tim for him to answer.  It was David, and the words he said proved that God existed, he cares, He's still in the miracle business, and He answers prayers and gives us the desires of our hearts: "The cat just came back!  He's really here!"

At my lowest point, I needed a miracle to snap me back from the pit of defeat, and that's just what God gave me.  After 10 days of going missing, our beloved Lightning Tabby Russell had returned to us!  When I thought all hope was lost, God gave me hope that He's still greater than the attacks of Satan, and He will bring us through this.

“But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3

“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm 34:19a

The story gets even better...

As I talked to David on my way home with Josh, David said there was something wrong with Lightning and that he was having trouble walking and was dragging his back left leg behind him.  He was also skin and bones and sick looking.  I knew that God wouldn't bring him back to us only to take him away, so I had to trust that God was working all things together for good.

By the time I got home, David asked to talk to me privately.  When we were alone together in the bedroom, he began crying and told me that earlier at school that day, he was struggling with focusing on his schoolwork because he was worrying about the cat wondering what happened to him.  He began praying to God begging for him to let the cat come home and telling God, "You know that I am struggling to trust you and believe that you are really there and care about me.  Please show you me You are there and bring Lightning home TODAY!"  God had done just that, and David was overwhelmed with God's answer!  God is so good!

After making a trip to a local animal hospital, we knew God wasn't finished with the miracles for our family.  We were told that Lightning had 3 fractures in his left hip and that he would need to be sedated the following day to get better x-rays to see the extent of the damage.  Nerve damage was also present in his left leg as a result of the fractures.  Because of the area of the injury, the vet was also concerned that the bladder had been ruptured which would mean Lightning would need to be put down.  We brought Lightning home in a crate to monitor whether or not he was able to urinate.  If he did, he could be sedated in the morning.  We prayed for miracle #2!  The next day left us in suspense as to what his outcome would be.  By mid-afternoon, we found out that the orthopedic surgeon felt that surgery would be necessary for the best outcome to put a plate across the 3 fractures of his hip and a procedure would need to be done to put his femur head back in the hip socket.  However, the surgery would cost over $4,000.  There was still hope of decent healing without surgery, and often animals heal surprisingly well on their own.  Enter Miracle #3.  We chose to go with this route and pray that God would provide sufficient healing to Lightning without surgery.  As a result, Lightning is on cage rest to prevent him from further injuring himself and to allow time for healing.  We are allowed to let him out to walk around/exercise and to play with him.  Each day, we see him as God's miracle of hope to our family at our lowest time.

God cares about our family.  He answers prayer.  He makes a way.

Since that miraculous day, God has continued to give us hope.  We received notice that both boys' schools will allow the boys to miss school for this trip.  Satan is not going to win this time!  All four of us know that Satan may continue to attack.  We continue to deal with the battles of the significant crises we have been hit with the last few weeks, and the resolution may take a few more months in coming.  In the meantime, we are doing our best to arm ourselves daily for battle.  We are so grateful to have a daily visible reminder of that HOPE that is within us each time we look at Lightning, cuddle with him, or even give him his pain medication every 12 hours!  We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us!  Our HOPE is in the Lord!

The Cost of Missions

"Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20

Before Tim and I were married, both of us felt called into missions, so when we met and it seemed as if God was leading us to be married, we started making plans to do missions together as husband and wife.  Tim was a Bible major, and I was a Pre-Med major.  We had great plans for how we were going to work as a team on the foreign mission field.  We got married in 2002 in time for Tim to finish his final year of college.  In 2003, we moved to Pennsylvania for him to go to seminary.  I had chosen to not continue on to med school and instead became a Certified Nursing Assistant with the desire of some day getting my nursing degree.  We were full speed ahead for getting to the mission field.

In 2004, we were blessed with our first child.  In 2006, we found out we were unexpectedly expecting our second child.  We were discouraged to have to decide for Tim to drop out of seminary because we couldn't afford to have him continue and be able to provide for yet another baby.  In 2007, I was forced to begin my nursing degree because I found out my science credits were all expiring.  That same year and into 2008, we were overwhelmed by the increasing special medical needs of our youngest and starting to be concerned by some behaviors of our oldest.  In 2009, our suspicions about our oldest were confirmed, and Josh was given the scary diagnosis of Autism.  By the time I finished my degree in 2010, Tim was in full swing of being a financial adviser, and really excelling.  The action of missions was changing, so we decided that instead of having Tim finish seminary, we could do mission work looking into opportunities for business as missions.  Also, because of the special needs of our children, God had given us a heart for ministering to those with special needs.  We knew that we'd never be able to minister in a third world country due to our children's medical needs, so when we discovered the field of Bulgaria, we saw many doors of opportunity open before us, so we excitedly started walking through each one.

In April 2011, Tim and I went to Bulgaria on a Vision trip with the hope to figure out how our family can live there, see what schooling options were available, make sure we'd be a good fit with the ministry already there, and understand what our housing options were.  We loved everything about being there and saw many opportunities to minster.  We came home encouraged and believing we could make it work and that God was continuing to open necessary doors.

However, upon our return, David's health took as turn for the worst and by September, he was needing weekly antibody transfusions to help him fight bacterial illnesses.  In November, I ended up with a migraine that took 3 months to finally break despite several drugs, visits with 4 neurologists, and a 4 day hospital stay.  At the beginning of the ordeal, a CT Scan revealed 2 brain lesions that the doctors were concerned may be cancer or signs of Multiple Sclerosis.  All tests for those were ruled out, but they never could figure out what the lesions were or what caused them.

By February 2012, Josh had his first psychiatric hospitalization, and we were told that he had Bi-polar in addition to Autism and would need to be on a mood stabilizer for the rest of his life.  A few months later, we had a huge family crisis that nearly crushed us.  In November, Josh was hospitalized for the second time.  By then, we were so discouraged and felt that despite the call to missions in our lives, the door for Bulgaria as well as any full-time missions had been permanently closed.

We had to find contentment in the mission field at home where God had us in dealing with many medical and psychological specialists and finding opportunities to minister to families in similar situations as ours.  Missions didn't look anything like we had planned, but we knew God had a plan and purpose greater than ours.  We also found comfort in doing short term missions work and being able to be involved with a partnership in the Middle East.  We enjoyed the trips we were able to make over there and the growing relationships with our dear brothers and sisters in Christ.  In 2014, we had toyed with the idea of going over there as a family bringing our boys with us, but with the unrest happening in the country, we decided it wouldn't be wise.

In each of these attempts to serve God in missions, we felt these trials as a heavy hand of Satan working hard to keep us from the field.  We related to Job in many ways.  However, through each situation, we felt that God used the attacks of Satan to redirect our steps.  After all, Satan is not able to thwart God's ultimate plans!

Finally, in November 2016, we starting praying about taking our family over there in the Spring of 2017.  After much prayer, discussing logistics, analyzing the calendar, looking at the cost of flights, and coordinating dates with a gathering that was to happen in the Spring as well, we made the decision to go as a family and start making plans accordingly.  Within less than a week of that decision, our stable family situation crumbled in several directions.  It started with a crisis regarding David's outpatient therapy on November 30 that led to dealing with a legal agency which then resulted in the need to figure out another way for David to get help because of the trauma and loss of confidence in his counselor.  The decision also affected Josh's therapy hence disrupting the therapy both boys were receiving.  While in the midst of dealing with that emotional roller coaster, our beloved family kitten, who has brought so much joy to our lives the last several months, went missing after we let him out for the night on December 3.  He is an outdoor cat, but he would come in a few times a day to be loved and cuddled.  The missing cat brought heavy hearts to all of us but really took its toll on the boys, particularly Josh who began perseverating over his missing cat causing increased behavior issues at school and home.  It was difficult for us to hear the boys prayers pleading with God to bring their cat home and see their discouragement when in their minds "God didn't listen."

Seeing this battle in their hearts and seeing their tenuous faith shaken even more, I started to struggle with why God would do this to our children.  In the midst of working in the kitchen on December 14 praying and asking God to protect my boys' hearts and faith and asking Him "Why," God reminded me of the cost of missions and the struggles of our past each time we pursued missions.  I had that "aha" moment that this was Satan once again attacking our family trying to ruin our plans before they could even be put into action.  Tim and I had a great discussion that night about the circumstances, and while we had seen God using the circumstances in the past to redirect our paths, we really felt that God was in this trip and its timing and desired for us to go.  So, we decided to declare war with Satan and persevere and not let his attacks keep us from serving.  It was time to arm up for battle and move forward to show Satan he can't win.  We sent requests to both boys' schools for an excused absence for the trip, and we started working on a support letter.

Ephesians 6:10-13a - "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground."

It didn't take long for Satan to take things up another level this time causing significant issues at school for Josh and unjust treatment of his behaviors and the resulting situations leading us into a battle for Josh's well-being and the legal rights of a kid with his diagnoses and the requirements of his Individualized Educational Plan (IEP).  This began the week of December 19 for us.  After the events and frustrations with Josh's school on December 20, I had reached my breaking point.  I could not fight Satan any longer.  If he wants to attack me, fine, so be it!  But LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE!  It's not fair to them!  Satan had found my weakness, and I was ready to surrender.

Luke 24:26-27:  “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."

I Peter 4: 12-13, 16, 19: Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed...However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name...So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

Thankfully, our story doesn't end here!  Read "The Miracle of Hope" to hear how God miraculously intervened.