The Battle for Contentment

These last few, very long months have ushered in sorrow, hardship, darkness, and anguish of soul for our family.  Having a child with special needs is never easy, but having to care for a child with special needs when the world turns upside down, health services cease, and community supports are ripped away from you makes life feel impossible. 

A child with Autism thrives on structure and routine and knowing what to expect.  When things become outside of one's control, anxiety ravishes the mind and body.  Enter mid-March: school suddenly gets closed disrupting the weekly, daily schedule of school, mental health supports and therapies at school, and keeping the mind engaged. In home therapies must turn to virtual Zoom meetings. Our oldest's world was turned upside down thus turning our lives upside down.  His only hope was that he would be going to Allegany Boys Camp, a therapeutic wilderness residential program on April 1.  This young man valiantly tried to hold it together with the hope of having a schedule and not hearing about the chaos of the world once he got to camp.  Enter April: Two days before admission to camp, we got the anguishing phone call that the Maryland Health Department has shut down the camp and all boys are to remain home until it's deemed safe enough for them to return.  In that one moment, the one thread of hope keeping our son from coming unglued was ripped away from him resulting in the worst melt-down ever and the worst night of my life where I was truly unable to help my son in his anguish.  I will never forget the helpless feeling of that dark night when my son locked himself in his room threatening to kill himself and kill us if we came in.  His soul was being tormented, and he needed skilled mental help.  I called the crisis line and was told the most horrific thing: most ERs are not taking mental health patients right now due to the virus, and if we called around and found one, only the patient would be allowed in (by himself without a parent - impossible for a child with Autism!) and that psychiatric hospitals were not taking in new patients.  My only consolation according to the therapist was that if my son killed himself, I wouldn't be held liable.  That was supposed to ease my fears????  I felt my heart die that night.

During all of this time, Tim and I still had to work.  I was becoming more busy since births don't stop, and some moms were switching from hospital births to home births.  On top of it, I have been filling  in for another midwifery practice while that midwife was on maternity leave since the end of April (I had agreed counting on the fact that Josh would be at camp). The juggle of work, trying to keep Josh calm, and the guilt of neglecting David began to overwhelm me.  It didn't help that we couldn't just access the help of community supports as we've been able to do in the past, although we did enjoy times of reprieve going to Tim's parents' house in order to save our sanity. As weeks turned into a month plus with no hope of the camp reopening, it began to become harder to pray.  I felt like a broken record with my prayers never getting past the ceiling.  I was losing hope of deliverance.  The prayers of friends and family carried us through and were a lifeline to us.  My prayers for the camp to open faded into, "Lord Jesus, please return today or call us home to be with you!"  Hope of deliverance from this current suffering faded, and I found myself just trying to survive each day trusting that God's grace had to be sufficient for each day. 

Meditating through a Precepts study on Hope helped to sustain me and remind me that no suffering in this present world can take away the hope (certain expectation) I have of God's salvation.  I have to remind myself almost daily that

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - II Corinthians 4:16-18

These troubles do NOT feel light or momentary, and it is so easy to lose heart.  The daily violent meltdowns wear me down and rob me of joy and hope.  To see my son in anguish and my other son silently hurting in the chaos brings sorrow and anguish to my soul.  I get discouraged for feeling discouraged and losing hope.  Then I am reminded that I am not alone in those feelings.  After all, the Sons of Korah wrote:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:5 and repeated in Psalm 42:5 and 43:5

The NASB uses the phrase "why are you in turmoil within me" instead of "disturbed within me."  I think both translations appropriately describe the state of my soul.  Especially as bad went to worse resulting in our having to hospitalize our son once again (thankfully psychiatric hospitals are taking new patients out of necessity) just last week, I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one to feel so low and distressed and that even in the midst of such feelings, I can still hope in God and praise Him.

In these low times, I can remember:

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.  We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you." - Psalm 33:18-22

As I search my heart through all of this, I have found a huge obstacle in my sanctification process.  A dear sister and fellow sufferer in Christ sent me an encouraging email and reminded me of an important lesson that Paul had to learn that is essential for each of us to learn and that is to be content!  That reminder spoke directly to my heart! Paul says in Philippians 4:11, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."  He goes on to say in Philippians 4:12b-13, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." It is so hard to be content when daily life is such a battle.  My life is easy to what Paul endured, so if remembering that he can do all things through Christ who gives him strength, then so can I!  My new prayer is now, "Please help me to be content in the circumstances of today."  With daily news of this virus nonsense and resulting (and unnecessary and damaging shut-down, in my opinion), it is so hard to be content!  Yet, somehow, I have to keep on going and remembering that God is in control and working ALL things for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28).  I may not like how He's doing it, but I must find a way to be content in His sovereign will for my life and that of my family's.  I have to remember Paul's words from II Corinthians 4:17 (passage shared above) that my "light and momentary troubles are achieving for [me] an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."  That battle for contentment is real, but I must keep fighting!

Until I reach my eternal glory, I must

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12

I resolve so to do!

A Weary World Rejoices

Peace, Joy, Love, Good News, Hope—all are typical salutations and greetings that get tossed around as people wish one another Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays—words we so often take for granted yet don’t often take time to think about what they mean.

As another tough year comes to an end for our family, I have had to think very deeply about these words and seek to understand and see their meaning in our current circumstances.  For those who are currently or have recently experienced trials and hardships, these words may fall empty on them as well—perhaps it’s the death of a loved one or loss of a job, maybe it’s a rift in the family, or maybe it’s a serious health issue.  Can these words ring true even for these individuals?  After much reflection on that question along with what I learned from my women’s Bible study on I Peter I went to this Fall, I would emphatically say yes, those words can ring true if that individual is a believer.  Because I am a believer in Jesus Christ, they can ring true for me despite the deep, dark trials that seek to drown me.

PEACE – If you are in the midst of trials, how can you have peace?  We have the promise of Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”  Jesus gives us peace not as the world gives, but He gives peace so that we don’t have to have hearts that are troubled or afraid (John 14:27).  Philippians 4:5b-7 says: “…the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  In I Peter 3:11b-12a, Peter reminds us to “seek peace and pursue it.  The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears attend to their prayer.”  He goes on to tell us in 5:7 to “[cast—throw upon, give up to God] all your anxieties on [God], because he cares for us].”  Peter exhorts us throughout his first epistle to be humble in respect to God and all other relationships.  Here in chapter 5, he exhorts us to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God.  If we are humbling ourselves to God, we are giving Him complete control in our lives.  This has been a work in progress for me over this last year as I come to terms with not having control over the situations in my life and that of my family’s.  If I do humble myself and give complete control to God (which He already has whether I want Him to or not), then I can have peace.  I have no need to have anxiety or worry.  Peace is mine in the midst of my trials just as it was to the believers Peter was writing to who were aliens and strangers in a land where they were hiding from persecution.  Jesus came to this earth as a baby so that He can give and leave His peace with us (John 14:27).

JOY – The Bible commands us to REJOICE in suffering (Romans 5:3-4) and consider the various trials we face “pure joy” (James 1:2-4).  Our family is broken and hurting, our relationships are strained, we are filled with sadness and grief.  Why can I have joy in that?  I Peter tells me why:  God has called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light (I Peter 2:5); Christ died for my sins, the just for the unjust, to bring me to God (I Peter 3:18); and Jesus’ blood has removed the stain of my sin so I can stand before Him (I Peter 3:18).  So, I don’t need to be “surprised at the fiery ordeal” but can keep on rejoicing (I Peter 4:12-13).  After I “have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called [me] to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish” me (5:10).  No trial can rob me of the joy that comes through Christ who came to this world as a baby to bring Joy to this world.

LOVE – We know the betrayal of love on many levels, yet we are told to “keep fervent in [our] love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8).  God knew betrayed love.  We were created by Him in His image, yet we left our first love.  We rejected Him and chose sin.  Because of this betrayal, God had to send His only Son to Earth as a baby only to grow up and die for us so that we can be bought back (redeemed) and restored to our first love (justification).  This was love in action.  Jesus laid down His life so that we could live—love that took Him to the cross.  This love continues in the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in our lives as we are perfected so that one day, we will be glorified when we see God face to face.  I Peter is so rich in reminding us of the love that led to our justification, sanctification, and glorification.

GOOD NEWS – As news we have been receiving about our loved one becomes bleaker and more distressing, we find ourselves doubting that we will ever hear good news.  However, we have Good News in our life because of Christ.  We are “chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood,” which is why Peter can then say, “May grace and peace be yours to the fullest measure.” (I Peter 1:1-2).  Because God chose us, we are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession so that [we] may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called [us] out of darkness into His marvelous light” (I Peter 2:9), and we come to Christ as a “living stone…choice and precious in the sight of God” (I Peter 2:4).  The Good News of great joy that the angels came to share with the shepherds was that a Savior, Christ the Lord and God in flesh has been born.  Jesus has come to rescue His people!  As John Piper so eloquently reminded us in his devotional “Christmas Solidarity:”

Christmas is good news for man and good news for God.
"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners" (I Timothy 1:15).  That’s good news for us.
"The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil" (I John 3:8).  That is also good news for God.”

Jesus came to lead a revolt against Satan.  That revolt started at his birth, and that is GREAT NEWS for us! Mary and Joseph were told to call their Son “Jesus,” “for He will save His people from their sins” and “Immanuel,” which means “God with us” (Matthew 1:21, 23).  We don’t just have Good News, we have GREAT NEWS, and nothing can take that away from us!

HOPE – Life’s circumstances may leave you feeling utterly hopeless at times, but no matter how dark our day or deep our valley, we as believers always have hope.  This hope is the “joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation” (Thayer’s Greek Lexicon).  We are “born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for [us]” (I Peter 1:3b-4).  In this we “greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary [we] have been distressed by various trials so that the proof of [our] faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:6-7).  Therefore, we can “fix [our] hope [confident and joyful expectation] completely on the grace to be brought to [us] at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:13b).  Hope that the Jews had in the coming of a Messiah was fulfilled in the birth of the baby Jesus.  Our Hope for salvation began at that same baby’s birth, and we look forward to the day it will be fulfilled at His second coming!

Who knew I Peter could give insight into the blessings of Christmas?  I sure didn’t until I spent these last several months digging deep into the book allowing God to use it to remind me of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in Him that I have through Christ.  As you celebrate Christ’s birth this Christmas, I pray you are reminded of the peace, joy, love, good news, and hope you have in Christ, and if you don’t yet have these, I pray that you find this great Savior for yourself so that you too can know and forever have His peace, joy, love, good news, and hope in your life!

Merry Christmas!  God be praised!

The Growth of Summer

I love watching things grow during the summer.  I especially look forward to the growth and production of my organic vegetable garden every year.  Usually, my garden grows out of control, and we are swimming in its harvest and giving plenty of the bounty away because we can't consume, can, or dehydrate it fast enough.  This year in particular has been a very slow year of growth with my garden thanks to a pesty groundhog who gave up digging under the fence and instead goes through the fence and climbs up the raised beds to devour my garden.  I have trapped him once, but Tim inadvertently let him go when the trap door of the trap opened unexpectedly as he lifted up the trap.  Of course, the varmint isn't dumb enough to get trapped twice despite our tempting efforts.  It has been the most frustrating summer of growth that way.

However, there has been good growth in so many other ways this Summer.  Our boys are the most visible growth.  They have shot up so quickly the past few months growing a few inches each with Josh soaring past me in height.  It's been difficult to keep them in clothing!  We have grown as a family as Josh makes progress in his residential treatment, and the family relationship has been given time to heal and improve.  We have been able to go away for 2 week-long vacations spending really special, quality time with David giving him our long-overdue attention and making special memories together without the drama of a brother with Autism.  Tim and I have been able to grow in our marriage relationship having extra time to spend together just the two of us.  Lastly, I have experienced growth of a different kind.

This summer has been a time of spiritual growth for me.  My trust in God has been strengthened as I continue to learn anew (almost daily) that I am not in control of anything--especially my children, but that God is, and that's ok.  As a result, I've grown in my ability to let go and let God.  My love for and marvel of God has grown as I've had a chance to dig deeper into God's Word through a summer women's book/Bible study I was able to participate in bringing a whole new perspective to life and God's sovereignty and gifts.  My hunger to learn God's Word has grown as I've been challenged to memorize passages of Scripture and say them to others in the book study who keep me accountable and memorize verses also.  I've also grown in my experience of and participation in the edification of the Church body as I weekly spent time with some lovely, Godly women at this study.  I didn't realize how hungry and thirsty I was for Christian, female friendship, and being able to satifsy those longings has renewed my spirit.

As the Summer comes to an end, I am so grateful to God for the growth He has given to our family, and especially for the way he has grown His love and care in my heart and life.  I am strengthened and encouraged as I look to the start of another school year with many new and uncertain challenges ahead of our family, because I know the time of growth this summer will help carry me through all that God brings across our path.

Growth this Summer in the sunflower field of Please Wash Me Car Wash in Elverson, PA