The Cost of Missions

"Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20

Before Tim and I were married, both of us felt called into missions, so when we met and it seemed as if God was leading us to be married, we started making plans to do missions together as husband and wife.  Tim was a Bible major, and I was a Pre-Med major.  We had great plans for how we were going to work as a team on the foreign mission field.  We got married in 2002 in time for Tim to finish his final year of college.  In 2003, we moved to Pennsylvania for him to go to seminary.  I had chosen to not continue on to med school and instead became a Certified Nursing Assistant with the desire of some day getting my nursing degree.  We were full speed ahead for getting to the mission field.

In 2004, we were blessed with our first child.  In 2006, we found out we were unexpectedly expecting our second child.  We were discouraged to have to decide for Tim to drop out of seminary because we couldn't afford to have him continue and be able to provide for yet another baby.  In 2007, I was forced to begin my nursing degree because I found out my science credits were all expiring.  That same year and into 2008, we were overwhelmed by the increasing special medical needs of our youngest and starting to be concerned by some behaviors of our oldest.  In 2009, our suspicions about our oldest were confirmed, and Josh was given the scary diagnosis of Autism.  By the time I finished my degree in 2010, Tim was in full swing of being a financial adviser, and really excelling.  The action of missions was changing, so we decided that instead of having Tim finish seminary, we could do mission work looking into opportunities for business as missions.  Also, because of the special needs of our children, God had given us a heart for ministering to those with special needs.  We knew that we'd never be able to minister in a third world country due to our children's medical needs, so when we discovered the field of Bulgaria, we saw many doors of opportunity open before us, so we excitedly started walking through each one.

In April 2011, Tim and I went to Bulgaria on a Vision trip with the hope to figure out how our family can live there, see what schooling options were available, make sure we'd be a good fit with the ministry already there, and understand what our housing options were.  We loved everything about being there and saw many opportunities to minster.  We came home encouraged and believing we could make it work and that God was continuing to open necessary doors.

However, upon our return, David's health took as turn for the worst and by September, he was needing weekly antibody transfusions to help him fight bacterial illnesses.  In November, I ended up with a migraine that took 3 months to finally break despite several drugs, visits with 4 neurologists, and a 4 day hospital stay.  At the beginning of the ordeal, a CT Scan revealed 2 brain lesions that the doctors were concerned may be cancer or signs of Multiple Sclerosis.  All tests for those were ruled out, but they never could figure out what the lesions were or what caused them.

By February 2012, Josh had his first psychiatric hospitalization, and we were told that he had Bi-polar in addition to Autism and would need to be on a mood stabilizer for the rest of his life.  A few months later, we had a huge family crisis that nearly crushed us.  In November, Josh was hospitalized for the second time.  By then, we were so discouraged and felt that despite the call to missions in our lives, the door for Bulgaria as well as any full-time missions had been permanently closed.

We had to find contentment in the mission field at home where God had us in dealing with many medical and psychological specialists and finding opportunities to minister to families in similar situations as ours.  Missions didn't look anything like we had planned, but we knew God had a plan and purpose greater than ours.  We also found comfort in doing short term missions work and being able to be involved with a partnership in the Middle East.  We enjoyed the trips we were able to make over there and the growing relationships with our dear brothers and sisters in Christ.  In 2014, we had toyed with the idea of going over there as a family bringing our boys with us, but with the unrest happening in the country, we decided it wouldn't be wise.

In each of these attempts to serve God in missions, we felt these trials as a heavy hand of Satan working hard to keep us from the field.  We related to Job in many ways.  However, through each situation, we felt that God used the attacks of Satan to redirect our steps.  After all, Satan is not able to thwart God's ultimate plans!

Finally, in November 2016, we starting praying about taking our family over there in the Spring of 2017.  After much prayer, discussing logistics, analyzing the calendar, looking at the cost of flights, and coordinating dates with a gathering that was to happen in the Spring as well, we made the decision to go as a family and start making plans accordingly.  Within less than a week of that decision, our stable family situation crumbled in several directions.  It started with a crisis regarding David's outpatient therapy on November 30 that led to dealing with a legal agency which then resulted in the need to figure out another way for David to get help because of the trauma and loss of confidence in his counselor.  The decision also affected Josh's therapy hence disrupting the therapy both boys were receiving.  While in the midst of dealing with that emotional roller coaster, our beloved family kitten, who has brought so much joy to our lives the last several months, went missing after we let him out for the night on December 3.  He is an outdoor cat, but he would come in a few times a day to be loved and cuddled.  The missing cat brought heavy hearts to all of us but really took its toll on the boys, particularly Josh who began perseverating over his missing cat causing increased behavior issues at school and home.  It was difficult for us to hear the boys prayers pleading with God to bring their cat home and see their discouragement when in their minds "God didn't listen."

Seeing this battle in their hearts and seeing their tenuous faith shaken even more, I started to struggle with why God would do this to our children.  In the midst of working in the kitchen on December 14 praying and asking God to protect my boys' hearts and faith and asking Him "Why," God reminded me of the cost of missions and the struggles of our past each time we pursued missions.  I had that "aha" moment that this was Satan once again attacking our family trying to ruin our plans before they could even be put into action.  Tim and I had a great discussion that night about the circumstances, and while we had seen God using the circumstances in the past to redirect our paths, we really felt that God was in this trip and its timing and desired for us to go.  So, we decided to declare war with Satan and persevere and not let his attacks keep us from serving.  It was time to arm up for battle and move forward to show Satan he can't win.  We sent requests to both boys' schools for an excused absence for the trip, and we started working on a support letter.

Ephesians 6:10-13a - "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground."

It didn't take long for Satan to take things up another level this time causing significant issues at school for Josh and unjust treatment of his behaviors and the resulting situations leading us into a battle for Josh's well-being and the legal rights of a kid with his diagnoses and the requirements of his Individualized Educational Plan (IEP).  This began the week of December 19 for us.  After the events and frustrations with Josh's school on December 20, I had reached my breaking point.  I could not fight Satan any longer.  If he wants to attack me, fine, so be it!  But LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE!  It's not fair to them!  Satan had found my weakness, and I was ready to surrender.

Luke 24:26-27:  “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."

I Peter 4: 12-13, 16, 19: Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed...However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name...So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

Thankfully, our story doesn't end here!  Read "The Miracle of Hope" to hear how God miraculously intervened.

2014 Year in Review - A Year of Answered Prayers

 "Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!" - Psalm 115:1 ESV

 "I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live."  - Psalm 116:1-2 ESV

Our hearts are full with awe at God's goodness to our family over this past year.  We have seen long-prayed for requests answered in wonderful ways.  Thank you to so many of you who have prayed faithfully for us.

David, now 8 years old and in the 3rd grade, is a sensitive, caring, young man who is becoming quite the violinist.  He has been playing the violin for 3 years and got to play his violin in a wedding this Fall.  David is also becoming quite the artist.  He was able to attend an art camp this summer and Saturday art classes this Fall. He is looking forward to continuing art classes this Spring.  As most of you know, David has Primary Immune Deficiency Disorder and has had a rough life of infections, antibiotics for his first 6.5 years, and weekly antibody transfusions the last 3 years.  This summer, his immune specialist trialed stopping the transfusions to see if David's body could produce enough antibodies on its own to sustain health.  David did extremely well and ended up with only one bacterial infection this Fall which was an infection many people were catching, and he fought it well with the help of essential oils and an antibiotic.  After reviewing David's blood test results this Fall, the immune specialist decided that David can remain off of the transfusions and be closely monitored because his body is producing some antibodies on its own, and while far from being within normal limits, it is sufficient enough for his doctor to continue to keep him off of the transfusions.  We are absolutely thrilled about this, and David is enjoying his freedom on the weekends without having to spend 1.5 hours getting his transfusions.  David has had 2 viral infections this Fall, and with the help of essential oils, he never developed a secondary bacterial infection like he usually does. In addition, David has been able to successfully wean off 1 of his 3 stomach medicines and is able to control his stomach pains with an essential oil blend instead.  We hope to wean him off of another by the Spring.

Joshua, now 10 years old and in the 5th grade, is growing tall and is a hard worker.  He is now on his third instrument - the piano - and is enjoying taking piano lessons as well as voice lessons.  He loves to sing in chorus at school also.  He is loving being in the second year at his new school and is thriving in such a supportive environment.  We have seen him make huge strides this year in dealing with his Autism, Bi-polar, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.  We started using essential oils this past Spring in an attempt to get his bi-polar under control.  It worked wonders, and as a result, we have spent most of the year weaning him down on his mood stabilizer drug which has been causing terrible side effects. There is a chance that by this coming Spring, he will be completely off of the drug.  We are praising God for these oils and allowing us to find something natural and so effective in helping him to maintain stability and function better.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer.  Josh is growing socially and learning to understand his emotions, using his words to describe his feelings and starting to ask for  help with using coping skills. We are very proud of the huge progress he has made this year.  Josh loves animals and nature.  We are hoping to find an animal shelter where he can work with cats (his favorite animal) this summer.

I continue to work part time as a special needs pediatric nurse for Bayada Pediatrics.  I received an award in Bayada's Hero program this summer.  My migraines and headaches have become a thing of the past since using an essential oil blend in the Spring.  By using the oil blend, I have stopped 3 migraines before they fully began and have been able to instantly relieve the occasional headache.  I have never felt better and am enjoying so much more energy and increased health since using essential oils daily.  Because essential oils have so greatly impacted our family, I have begun teaching classes about using essential oils for various purposes to enhance health and have started my own business selling essential oils and making and selling various, all-natural, health and beauty products with essential oils.  For more information about the business, visit  Naturally Essential Health & Beauty facebook page or the Essential oils page on this blog.

Tim continues to excel as a Financial Adviser for The Life Financial Group.  He is growing into a leadership role at his office and enjoys working with his colleagues and clients.  He has continued to thrive in his professional coaching program that he has been a part of the past 2 years that requires multiple trips to CA.  Tim's business and influence has grown substantially as a result of this coaching program.  We are enjoying having him home more as a result.  He is excited about the continued growth God has in store for him in 2015.  I must say that it's also been nice to see his allergies under better control than they ever have been thanks to an essential oil blend he is using.

God truly has been so good to us!  We are definitely excited to be using His creation to enhance and support our health and wellness and look forward to another year of good health.  We are currently praying about taking the boys with us on our next mission's trip.  We are hoping to take one this year, if God opens the door and works out the details.  We were disappointed that the two trips we were thinking we would do this year didn't work out.  We know that God is in control, and He works all things together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

It is our prayer that each of you know and see God's goodness and faithfulness to you in a big way this coming year!

"Praise the LORD! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens!

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness!"

Psalm 150:1-2 ESV

A Year Experiencing the God of All Comfort

II Corinthians 1:3-11³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. ⁶ If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷ Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
⁸ For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. ¹¹ You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

I feel that this passage is such a perfect summary of how we feel and what we believe.  For those of you who follow our story and pray so faithfully for us, this passage perfectly describes your relationship with us.  We are bound together in life through Christ.

We praise the Lord that He is the God of all comfort.  Although our year has definitely had its ups and downs, God has brought comfort to our hearts and lives in many ways, answering many prayers. We want to share with you some of the comforts God has given us this year.

David

Now 7 years old and in 2^nd grade, David has experienced his first full year of good health without any bacterial infections since his surgery in September 2012.  He was able to successfully come off of his prophylactic antibiotic for the first time in his life in March.  His gastrointestinal system went into shock requiring a month-long course of antibiotics to get his healthy gut bacteria back under control, but now his system is working properly again on its own.  If all goes well this winter, he will be able to start the weaning process of his weekly antibody transfusions in the Spring. God continues to work in his heart and life.  We are excited to see his willingness to use his gift of music with the violin to glorify God. 

Joshua

At 9 years of age and in the 4^th grade, Joshua is thriving and successful in his new school.  We moved in the summer to get Josh into a better school district where he will be supported with his Autism struggles.  His new school has absolutely amazed us with all that they do for him.  As a result, Josh is happy and showing great potential.  While he still struggles with the ups and downs of his mood disorder, we have successfully kept him out of the hospital now for a year.  We have to take each day as it comes and heavily rely on God’s wisdom to make the right decisions for Josh.  He has a loving spirit and wants to understand his environment desperately.  He too has found ways to glorify God through music using his talents for the Lord.

Christine

I celebrated a year in November of dramatically improved health when it comes to my migraines as a result of taking Vitamin B-12 and Magnesium supplements.  I now can experience up to 3-4 days at a time of being pain-free, and when I am in pain, it’s mostly manageable only being severe 1-2 times a month.  My last MRI also showed that my brain lesions are stable and not growing, so now I can wait until 2015 before having another MRI. I enjoy having much more energy now that pain doesn’t daily consume me.  I am still a part-time special needs pediatric nurse, although this year I changed to a better agency.  I am now working for Bayada Pediatrics.

Tim

Tim is growing his financial adviser position at the Life Financial Group and has taken on a more complex role as a result of a training course he has been taking.  His tasks at home have increased significantly with our new home and large property that needs upkeep. On top of that, he is still trying to rent out our Pottstown house, and until he does, he has to maintain that house as well.  He has also enjoyed his role as a den leader for David’s den in Cub Scouts.  As if that's not enough, he continues his work as a deacon at our church all while being a huge help and support to me at home as we parent our children. 

Answering the Call

We have come to significantly know God’s comfort when it comes to His call on our lives to be missionaries.  We have struggled to understand what God is doing with our family since God closed the door for us to be missionaries in Bulgaria.  This year, God has showed us in many ways that He is using us for His Kingdom work on the mission field where we currently find ourselves.  We don’t have to live overseas to be used by God.  Yet, God has also showed us how we can still be actively involved in foreign missions.  We have stepped up our work in the Asia Minor Partnership we have been a part of now for over 6 years.  Tim took another trip to Turkey this past August.  We are praying about taking our whole family over there at the end of this coming summer. 

In addition, God has been opening many doors to missions through the special needs of our family.  Not only are we working to help our home church launch a special needs ministry, but we have been talking with some key people regarding training churches internationally to make the Gospel accessible to ALL – including those with special needs.  As a result, we might be making a trip to Bulgaria this year to help with a special needs seminar in some churches there.  We don’t know what the future holds, but we are excited about the ways in which God is working in our hearts and lives and using our family with all of our faults and struggles for His Kingdom work and His glory.

Thanks for sharing in our afflictions and comforts.  We get through each day on prayer and God’s grace.  We hope and pray that this next year will be a year in which each of you experience God’s unending comfort despite the circumstances in which you find yourself.

In Christ's love and grace,
Tim, Christine, Joshua, and David Russell

Overwhelmed but Clinging to Hope

I have been silent on the blog front for a while now mostly because the demands of life have kept me too busy to write out my thoughts but also in part because I did not know where to begin to express my thoughts and feelings of the struggles of the past month plus.

Yesterday's congregational Scripture reading of Psalm 13 struck a cord with me:

[TO THE CHOIRMASTER. A PSALM OF DAVID.] How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me. (Psalm 13 ESV)

The enemy I face is Satan, and he is doing everything in his power to take me down and make me feel defeated.  At times I feel as if he has won.  When I am at my lowest, God uses passages like this or songs about His promises to remind me that He has not forsaken me and that He loves me and is taking care of me.

If you've read other blog posts from this past year plus, you know that things for the Russell family have not been easy.  Things continue to be a daily struggle with new battles to be fought it seems almost on a daily basis.  Currently, we are in a medical insurance crisis with David whose government-funded insurance (CHIP) dropped him due to their labeling him with a "chronic disability" aka, his immune disorder.  We are in the process of appealing the decision but it could take months.  In the meantime, he has been sent to the welfare insurance (Medical Assistance-MA) which has made him lose his pediatrician in order to keep his immune specialist because of our limited choices of plans which few doctors accept.  We currently do not know if and how he will be able to get his next weekly antibody transfusion due to MA not wanting to cover it. Josh continues to have behavioral, psychological, and emotional challenges that try our patience and sanity.  Coordinating care with three different doctors has been a challenge.  We are struggling to get the proper care and supports into place for Josh in his school due to a new school year and a failure of the school to complete a behavior analysis at the end of last school year.  My health continues to be a struggle for me and a mystery to all doctors involved in my care.  After the last series of testing rechecking my thyroid which came back normal, my doctor has said, "No more testing. Sometimes people go for years without a diagnosis.  You need to accept that."  So, she has given up, and I've lost my last medical ally willing to help me find a diagnosis.

Needless to say, just in these challenges alone, I spend many hours a day on the phone, on email, at doctor's appointments, and at the welfare office trying to take care of the problems.  House work has been pushed to the back burner making me feel more like a failure as a wife and mother and frustrated with my situation.   As I feel discouragement and doubt creeping into my heart's door almost on a daily basis as I fight my daily battles, I need to remember the good things of life and the many blessings God has given me in the midst of my multiple storms.

• David made it through his surgery better than we could have ever hoped.  He kept us laughing helping to ease the anxiety in our hearts before his surgery as his pre-anesthesia drug made him do silly things.  We couldn't help but take a video of him and his silliness.  He healed better than even his surgeon expected and had barely any post-op pain at all.  It was difficult to keep him down during his 2 weeks of activity restrictions, but he made it, and now he's enjoying being wild and crazy.  It has almost been a month since surgery, and David has remained infection-free which is approaching a record for the past few months. We have so much to be thankful for in this area!

• I contacted Senator Rafferty's office about David's health insurance.  They are doing what they can to help us with the situation and sympathetic to our crisis.

• My health has been better than it has been with fewer flares where the symptoms are at its worst ever since I decreased the seizure med used to control the pain in my head.  My headache pain has been stable or pretty good outside of a few breakthrough migraines or headaches.  This is all reassuring especially considering the amount of stress I have been under in the last month.

• After meeting with Josh's Developmental Pediatrician, God helped me to see a possible cause of Josh's behaviors since his hospitalization in February.  As a result, I have consulted with his psychiatrist, and we are doing an experiment with his medication taking him off of one completely to see if we see a difference.  It has only been a few days, and we have noticed a huge improvement, so we are praying that this is the answer we have been praying for for months.

• The boys celebrated another year of life this month.  David turned 6 years old on Sept. 9, and Joshua turned 8 years old on Sept. 18.  They had a Spy birthday party on Sept. 22 which was fun for everyone there including the adults.

For more birthday party pictures, check out my Facebook Album (you do not need facebook account).

• Tim continues to be the anchor of our family.  Outside of a recent battle with allergies and a sinus infection, he has been healthy, strong, works so diligently to provide financially for our family, and supports our family's emotional and spiritual needs.  I am so thankful for him.

God uses all trials to teach me and make me more like Him.  With each struggle, He is giving me more tools to be a blessing and instrument in the lives of others.  With each battle, He is forcing me to lean on Him more.  When all seems lost, He forces me to see that He remains my Rock and holds me close.

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. (Psalm 61:1-3 ESV)

Onward to another specialist

So a few days ago, I stumbled across this verse in Job 30:17 and couldn't help but chuckle because it so adequately described how I've been feeling of late:

"Night pierces my bones; my gnawing pains never rest." (NIV) 

In searching more, I found other verses from earlier on in the book to which I could relate:

 Job 3:26: "I have no peace, no rest, and my troubles never end." (NIV) 

Job 7:13: "
I lie down and try to rest; I look for relief from my pain." (NIV) 

 I can totally sympathize with Job, and somehow, I feel comfort knowing that he felt similar pain (having suffered so much more than I have), lived through it, and still praised the Lord in the midst of it. It gives me courage to keep on keeping on. I have the same God carrying me through! I have Jesus' command and promise of Matthew 11:28-30 to cling to: 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (ESV) 

As of August 1, I will have been suffering in pain for 9 months straight and still be without a diagnosis or answers. Back in June, I did have a breakthrough with the headache pain in which I now have days where I sometimes go for 6-8 hours without headache pain. Those are truly amazing days. Other days, the pain is increased above normal, and I really cannot find a cause or correlation for the changes. I have made progress on the diagnosis-front in ruling out more things. Over the past several months, there has been a lot of uncertainty about and questioning/revisiting of former diagnoses that had originally been ruled out. Within the last month, Lyme's Disease has been ruled out definitively, and last week I saw the Multiple Sclerosis (MS) specialist I had been waiting to see since April who told me very confidently that I DO NOT have MS.

After that visit, I decided to start over and see my primary doctor once again revisiting my symptoms and describing my new symptoms of the past several months which include fatigue, severe joint and muscle pains, hair loss, mouth ulcers, cold intolerance, and others. I shared with her my concern that I may have Lupus. She agrees with me that my symptoms seem to be lupus-like or something else rheumatological in nature. As a result, she is sending me to a rheumatologist who I will be seeing August 9. She feels that he will be able to give me my long-awaited diagnosis after running some tests. I pray that she is correct!

The joint and muscle pains have been so severe lately (during this current attack - the symptoms come and go in flares) that I have had a very difficult time sleeping. Instead of just dealing with headache pain, I am dealing with pain all over my body which also takes a toll on me. I am praying that an answer comes sooner rather than later and that God would provide me with relief from the constant pain!

Just as God restored Job's health when his testing was over, I know He can restore mine, if that is His will. I just have to keep looking to Him for strength and grace to endure knowing that "...when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold" (Job 23:10b, ESV).

A picture from vacation at the base of the Statue of Liberty- We are still praising the Lord for upholding my health and allowing me to enjoy our time together as a family on vacation

Family Time and Rest

Unless the LORD builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.

It is in vain that you rise up early

and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep.

(Psalm 127:1-2 ESV)

Just as we need sleep, we need relaxation.  We need time to be refreshed - a chance to get away from our normal routine and responsibilities.  We need time to be together as a family enjoying making memories together.  After all, it has been ordained by God!

With everything our family has gone through the last two years, we were in a desperate need to get away.  With continued struggles with my health and Josh's behaviors, we were a bit nervous deciding to take a vacation, but we decided to step out in faith and go on a vacation for our family's health.

On the Ferry after visiting Liberty Island

It was the best decision we could have made, and God blessed our time away tremendously.  We had a very busy vacation with lots of sightseeing and driving, but the boys had a blast, and it was so much fun watching the wonder and joy on their faces as they marveled over the sights they were seeing.

We started out our time Wednesday afternoon through Friday afternoon (7/11-7/13) touring Manhattan in New York City seeing Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, the World Trade Centers and Memorial, Times Square, fun stores, and the American Museum of Natural History.

Walking through Central Park

At Hershey's Times Square Store

Lady Liberty

The boys were excited to see Dum-Dum (from the movie Night at the Museum) in the American Museum of Natural History

South Tower World Trade Center Memorial

New South Tower World Trade Center under construction

From there, we drove to Connecticut to connect with family and enjoy our time on Lake Candlewood for another Totora family reunion which is always loads of fun with our very large Italian family.

Totora Family ~ 4 Generations of Extended Family (photograph by Tim Benedict)

We left CT Sunday morning to drive back to Manhattan to worship at Redeemer Presbyterian Church and enjoyed a very worshipful, God-honoring service.  After church, we continued driving South arriving in Sea Isle, NJ where we stayed until Tuesday morning with Tim's family enjoying some time at the shore where the boys thoroughly enjoyed the sand and the waves.

David working on building a sand castle

Joshua running into the water to jump waves

Sea Isle Beach, NJ

Despite the stress of making sure we had the appropriate meds for the boys, David's transfusion supplies, and necessities for all 3 vacations spots on top of our initial concerns about going in the first place, we had a wonderful time!  God helped Joshua to do amazingly well while we were gone especially in NYC where there was constant sensory overload which is a struggle for any child with Autism.  David has continued to stay healthy the past several weeks with the increase of antibody transfusions and remaining on a prophylactic antibiotic.  God gave me several good days health-wise while on vacation.  I was definitely fatigued, but able to keep up with the family and able to participate.  My headache pain was increased from the tons of walking and heat, but still tolerable.  The end of the vacation became the most difficult, and I am still trying to recuperate, but the time at the shore was a chance for me to relax which was just what I needed.

We are praising the Lord for blessing us with the chance to get away, have much-needed family time, and rest!

Taking a break in a nearby park waiting our turn to visit the 9/11 World Trade Center Memorial 

Under the Siege of the Lion

And the saga continues....The woes of the Russell household continue.  Things continue to be extremely difficult with Joshua and his battles with Autism and mental health issues.  We are constantly emotionally and physically drained by his all-consuming behaviors and melt-downs.  Nothing we do seems to help.  He's fully aware of his own struggles and is now coming to his own faith-crisis saying that he keeps praying and asking for God's help to make good choices but "God's not helping him" or "God doesn't seem to care."  Nothing we say seems to get through to him.  This week, Josh ended up being suspended for a day from school because his behavior got so out of control.  It is becoming so difficult to cling to any source of hope in this situation.

David's most recent infection is finally behind us, but he is back on a prophylactic antibiotic despite the weekly antibody treatments.  We are in limbo with the specialists now because the ENT felt that it would not be a good idea to proceed with the tonsillectomy now because of his condition even though for the past year this same ENT had been pressuring us to have the surgery done.  Instead he wants to do a weekly rotation of antibiotics where David will be on a different class of antibiotics every week for 4 weeks then repeat each month.  It's kind of a new, more complex idea of a prophylactic antibiotic treatment.  We are waiting to hear back from David's immune specialist to get his opinion on the matter.  Otherwise, we will need to go for a second opinion with another ENT.  The past several days David has become extremely emotional and easily upset/angered.  We are wondering if he is again starting to not feel well (this tends to be a going trend for him) or if everything going on with Joshua is finally starting to affect David since David has had to witness way too many traumatic events for a sweet, innocent 5 year old.

Not surprisingly, the headaches for me have become more intense, but with the amount of stress I've been up against, it's no wonder.  We also are not getting good sleep as often Josh or David are waking us up in the night, so sleep deprivation isn't helping either.

We have finally come to the conclusion that we are not just up against simple trials in which God is trying to teach us a lesson.  We are under direct attack from the Evil One, and he is working overtime to be relentless!  We have fallen under the siege of the Lion!  Each time we seriously pursued missions within the past 2 years, Satan has directly attacked our family hindering our ability to further pursue missions at that time.  As things had calmed down last Fall, we revisited the idea once again, and the next day, I woke up with the severe migraine pain in my head that has yet to fully leave.  In April, we were excited about the ways in which God revealed to us how we could serve doing short term work encouraging and building up believers through short term mission trips.  As soon as we made ourselves available to God for this work, the lion attacked us from all angles and has not let up!  It is easy to understand why the devil does not want the Gospel to go forth.

Jesus was aware of the evil one and prayed for His disciples to be protected from the evil one as He had sent them into the world (John 17:15).  The devil wants to attack everyone and anyone who is a servant of God because he hates righteousness.  Peter commands and warns:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."  (1 Peter 5:6-11 ESV)

Yes, the lion is trying to devour our family.  We are doing all we can to resist him, standing firm in our faith.  We are heavily relying on God's grace to sustain us and look forward to the day that He will restore and strengthen us.  Never before have we prayed so earnestly for Christ to return for His Bride!  We long for our eternal home where there will be no more pain or sorrow or suffering, and we can spend our days in God's presence worshiping at the feet of Jesus.

Until then, we must endure.  We must finish the race that has been set before us.  We must press on.  We can't do it alone.  We need the prayers of the saints, our brothers and sisters in Christ.  James 5:16 says, "...The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."  We need everyone to rally around us and pray that this cloud of darkness be lifted from over our household, that the power of Satan be weakened over our family, and that we be released from the stronghold of the lion.  Will you join us in this battle against the evil one and rejoice with us in the victory that is ours because we serve the Lion of Judah who has conquered (Revelation 5:5), and "we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:31-39)?

Holding On: When it's all you can do

Our family has had a rough past year and a half, but the last month has been extremely difficult and honestly has brought me to my breaking point.  We came back from our amazing time in Turkey only to be faced with incredible challenges with Joshua, our oldest who has been struggling with his Autism and related mental health issues since February when he had to be hospitalized at that point.  We have had multiple medical consults, behavioral specialist consults, medication adjustments, and meetings with our pastor, but yet things continue to spiral out of hand and we find ourselves desperately at a loss with how to deal with our son.  Our biggest fear is that we are going to lose him because of his behavior/anger issues.

I had a repeat brain MRI the week I returned to the States which showed that my brain lesion has grown slightly and is now lighting up with the contrast dye.  In addition, two new spots are forming in my frontal lobe of my brain.  My neurologist is convinced I have Multiple Sclerosis (MS) even though I don't have any other symptoms of the disease and had a negative lumbar puncture back in November when I was hospitalized.  She is sending me to a MS specialist at Jefferson University Hospital who I will see July 16 to get his take on the whole situation.  Even if it is MS, it does not explain my constant headaches/migraines since Nov. 1 which have prevented me from being pain-free longer than 4-5 hours on a good day.  My neurologist has basically given up on trying to find an explanation for the headaches and is content to keep me on the seizure medicine I have been on since January which causes neuropathy symptoms that I have to live with and that become intolerable if I take a higher dose to try to be pain-free from headache pain.

Then, there's sweet David who has been struggling physically once again the past few months, and has already had 2 serious infections since we returned back to the States.  He was infection-free from November-February, which is the longest stretch of time he has gone in his whole entire life.  Since then, he has had 5 bacterial infections with this last one giving us quite the scare this past week.  He had a really high fever (he went as high as 104.2) for 5 1/2 days straight despite starting an antibiotic the second day for tonsillitis.  He had been put on a prophylactic antibiotic the week before because of his increase of infections lately and had some blood work done to see how his antibody levels were doing.  Even with the prophylactic antibiotic, David came down with the tonsillitis, so his doctor did a throat culture just to make sure it was a bacterial infection.  It was a good thing he did that because when his fever persisted, his doctor sent him to the ER this past Thursday for a full work-up.  While we were in the ER, David's doctor got the throat culture results back showing his infection was from heavy growth of staph aureus (bacteria) which was sensitive to a different type of antibiotic.  So, David was discharged from the ER on the new antibiotic, and finally his fever cycle broke.  However, because he has had tonsillitis 9 times since last Spring, he now has to have a tonsillectomy (his 3rd surgery in his 5 years of life).  We meet with his ENT on Wednesday to schedule the surgery.

Tim is left to be the strong one to hold the rest of us together.  We are thankful he is strong and healthy. 

Needless to say, with everything going on, we have been feeling like we are constantly fighting to keep our heads above water, and we are weakening fast.  I feel like I have entered a spiritual desert.  I know God is with me.  His strength and grace are what carry me through each day and have allowed me to survive the past few weeks.  However, I am getting a first-hand experience of what David must has felt those times he wrote the Psalms that cry out to God asking Him where He is or why He had forsaken him.  Each time, David came around and acknowledged God's presence, but the feelings of God being distant were very real.  I totally understand how that feels.  My heart is hurting so much for my boys and their struggles that I find myself at a total loss for words when it comes to prayer.  I am glad that God knows my heart and my thoughts before I think them or say them.  I am glad that feeling God is distant is just that - a feeling.  I am glad that I know that God has not truly forsaken me and that God is with me each painful step of the way. 

I am reminded of the poem, "Footprints in the Sand" where when only one set of footsteps was seen it was because God was carrying the author.  I am definitely too weak to walk this path any longer on my own.  I am totally relying on God to carry me the rest of the way.  I look forward to the day when He gently lowers me back to the ground placing me and leading me beside the still waters (Psalm 23:2).

Ensuring that Satan Cannot Prevail

Because God is still on His throne, the Russell family is still in tact, alive, and praising Him.

We praise the Lord that Tim is healthy and strong and holding up!  Outside of his usual allergy struggles, he is holding steady, doing well at work, and helping to keep our family running.

Joshua is doing fairly well.  He has had a few rough patches since his discharge from the hospital on Tuesday, but he's holding his own.  He went to school for half days Wednesday-Friday of this week to get him readjusted.  Next week, he will go back full-time.

David had to go back on another antibiotic.  He had his first infection since the beginning of November on Feb. 9 and was put on an antibiotic.  It was enough to clear up the tonsillitis but not enough to stop the sinus infection that was just brewing.  So, after finishing that 10-day treatment, his sinus infection went full-blown, so now he's on a stronger antibiotic for another 10-day treatment with a possible piggyback treatment if necessary.  He continues to do well with the weekly antibody transfusions.

Now after 4 months since my battle with the killer migraine and discovery of the brain lesion began, the saga continues.  I have yet to be pain-free for more than 4-5 hours at a time.  For the most part, when I am in pain, it is very manageable and not more than a 4 out of 10 on the pain scale typically.  That wasn't enough to make my neurologist happy when I saw her a week and a half ago, so she wanted me to go from 2 pills a day of Topamax (the seizure drug I've been on since mid-January that has made the pain be so well-controlled) to 3 pills a day despite my complaints of numbness/tingling from the middle of my shins down to my toes as well as in my finger tips.  The result of taking 3 pills made me go completely numb from my elbows and knees down and caused painful radiating pain that fires from my toes and fingers up into my knees and elbows respectively.  After suffering like that for 4 days with no noticeable difference in the pain level in my head, I decided to drop back to 2 pills.  The other deciding factor was that when I played the piano at church and lost the feeling in my hands, I could not feel the piano keys.  As a result, I was hitting all kinds of wrong notes since I couldn't feel which keys my fingers were on.  In addition, I was having a hard time driving when I would suddenly lose feeling in my foot and not be able to tell if my foot was on the gas or break pedal.  When I went back to 2 pills, the pain in my head increased considerably and became difficult to manage again.  My neurologist had me take a migraine drug along with 3 of the Topamax overnight Thursday to stop the pain.  The good news is that the drug regimen worked and didn't kill me.  The bad news is that my neurologist wants me to remain on 3 pills of Topamax a day despite my numbness issues but is leaving the decision up to me.  I can't function as a nurse or pianist not to mention drive without having feeling in my hands and feet, and although I'm told the drug company claims this complication is "temporary," I can't take my chances right now.  So, today I am back on 2 pills a day.  I will know for sure how bad the pain will get again by tomorrow when my drug levels should drop off again from having 3 pills in my system from Thursday night's drug regimen to stop the pain.

At this point, we still don't have answers as to what has caused this strange migraine pain and what the lesion is in my brain.  I will have a repeat MRI done in April to see if the lesion has changed at all.  It will need to be monitored for changes every so often until the doctors can figure out what it is and know how to treat it.

In going through these current difficulties, I stumbled upon my old file of poems that I had written years ago.  I am amazed at how the trials from long ago seemed so huge back then but now in light of the ones of late, I see that God was using the ones from years past as small stepping stones to prepare me for the mountains of trials He has me facing today.  Just as I had determined back then, I stay resolved today:  No matter how hard Satan may try to attack my faith and pull me down, Satan Cannot Prevail!

                 Satan Cannot Prevail

              By: Christine Benedict Russell

While I was on the road to doing God's will,

Satan felt he had a duty to fulfill --

Keep me from the straight and narrow path

Or make me face his great and mighty wrath.

I resolved to stand firm with God

While on His precious Word I trod.

Out came Satan's fiery weapons,

But God wanted to teach me some lessons.

I must have faith

To finish this race.

There are many mountains to cross

And swim I must on waves that toss.

Satan cannot prevail,

For my God I will not fail.

Victory will be forever mine

With God in control for all time.

©1999. Russell. September 30, 1999.

Waiting Quietly

My heart is so full tonight after a wonderful day spent in prayer at the 4th Annual Metro West Presbytery Women's Day of Prayer.  I have gone each year and have come to live for this day each year as a great way to get away and get alone with God with promised uninterrupted time with my Savior.  I never come away disappointed!  Always, I walk away feeling refreshed and renewed with greater strength to do the work to which God has called me and a greater love for and communion with my Heavenly Father.

There is so much I want to write about that God has filled my heart with today, but I guess I should only unload in bits and pieces.  As part of the 2 hour personal prayer time (which, by the way, was an hour more than last year which I was thrilled to death about but still entirely not long enough!), I meditated on various Scripture in a means to be still and hear God speak to me.  Lamentations 3:22-25 really jumped out at me today in light of the ongoing trials we have faced the past several months.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
        his mercies never come to an end;
    they are new every morning;
        great is your faithfulness.
    “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
        “therefore I will hope in him.”
    The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
        to the soul who seeks him.
    It is good that one should wait quietly
        for the salvation of the LORD.
(Lamentations 3:22-26 ESV)

I stand today not consumed!  God's love has been life-preserving and a continual comfort.  Waiting has never been a strength for me, but the last few months, God has been working hard at teaching me to wait.  Slowly, I am getting it.  Bit by bit, I am learning to rest in His goodness and love and not question His plan for my life or my family's life.   

This morning, as I was leaving for the day of prayer, I was bemoaning the fact that as soon as I got home, I would need to start up David's antibody transfusion.  However, during this reflection and prayer time, God helped me realize that instead of being ungrateful for having to come home to do the transfusion, I can be grateful that my son is healthy and alive for me to do the transfusions.  These transfusions have truly saved his life and transformed the quality of his life.  How can I be ungrateful for God's goodness?

God has continued to deliver me from the unbearable migraine pain.  I continue with only the slightest dull ache in the head and feel like a totally new woman!  I cooked 4 meals from scratch this week which is the most I have done since being sick not to mention totally from scratch!  The boys are loving having their mommy back, and everyone is enjoying the dinners.  Although, I think Tim is not enjoying all of the extra dishes and pots and pans I am leaving for him to clean-up in the kitchen, but he would never complain, and I so appreciate his willingness to do the clean-up!

So, yes, I can truly say as this passage does, "The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."  I pray that God will help me to continue to learn to wait quietly for Him!

And finally...LIGHT at the end of the tunnel!

"For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness." ~ Psalm 18:28.

As difficult as it has been to always see God's light in the midst of the darkness of my suffering through the excruciating migraine pains of the past almost 3 months, the light has never gone out.  It has always been there even if I could not see it though my eyes of unbelief.  However, the light is most definitely bright and grows brighter daily!

This past Thursday, I saw my 3rd neurologist, who providentially was the neurologist who treated me while I was hospitalized in November.  After meeting with her on Thursday, she told me that she believes she knows what my problem is.  She thinks that my nerves are hyper-excitable and that they are locked in sending the pain impulse mode.  She thinks that is we can get my nerves in my brain to calm down, I will finally be able to be pain-free again.  So, I am now on a seizure drug (Topamax) to accomplish that goal.  Unfortunately, it will take 4-6 weeks to do its job, but I am just excited that relief is in sight!  After nearly 3 months, what's another 4 weeks?  Because of the insomnia I was experiencing among other troublesome side effects on the Effexor I was on to help control the pain, she switched me to a newer drug with fewer side effects (Lexapro) to help with the pain control.  She also thought it would be wise for me to stop taking tylenol and ibuprofen for the pain to allow my body to detox in light of the 15 different drugs I have been given in the last 3 months to try to control the pain.

I have done as the neurologist has ordered, and already, I am feeling so much better!  The pain is so much more functional!  My sunglasses are now staying in my car for driving only, and I am actually opening the blinds in my house.  The pain in my head is more of just a dull ache now which is nothing compared to what I have been dealing with.  Bright lights still bother me and really loud noises still bother me, but again, not to the magnitude as before.  I am praising the Lord for allowing me to find a doctor who could figure out the right drug combo to help me get relief.  I am also so excited that she gave me clearance for Tim and me to continue with our plans to spend some time fellowshipping with our brothers and sisters in Christ in the Asia Minor region in April.

The only trouble I am facing now is some severe nausea from one of the drugs.  I am calling my neurologist today hoping to get something to control the nausea so that I am not hindered by that and can go about my daily activities like I used to post-November!

Thanks again for partnering with me in prayer during this arduous journey!

Provision for Hope

This difficult battle with continuous migraine pain for the past 2 1/2 months has been a very hard time for me not to mention my family, and yet here we stand not consumed by our difficulties all because of God's wondrous grace.  We have seen first hand the fulfillment of God's promise to us in Isaiah 43:2:  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,and the flame shall not consume you."

However, despite our resolve to keep trusting the Lord to bring us through this increasingly difficult time, it has not been easy to maintain hope, especially after crossing the 2 month mark, having just switched to yet another medication which was not controlling the pain as well and had even worse side effects than the other drugs.  Then, dealing with the battles of a neurologist office in which I could never speak to a medical professional, and my messages were never relayed properly or my phone calls returned, I really had to fight to keep on trusting the Lord. 

On Monday, it all came to a head for me when I tried for the umpteenth time to find out what my EEG results were and when I could see the doctor next, I found out that the results were normal and my neurologist said I could see her in 3 months!  Needless to say, I knew when I hung up the phone feeling dejected that it was time to move on to find a third neurologist.  Between yesterday and today, I called 5 different neurologist offices getting appointments as early as the end of February to as late as April.  Then, I came across one more neurology office which happened to be inside Pottstown Medical Memorial Hospital, and decided to give them a call.  They happened to have a cancellation for tomorrow and asked if I could come in.  I nearly fell out of my seat!  I said, "Absolutely!"  Then, I found out the appointment would be with the neurologist who cared for me when I was hospitalized back in November.  I felt she was really thorough and knowledgeable.  At that time, she was only working out of the hospital and not seeing outpatients, so I am really glad that things have changed!

At a time when hope was being lost, God opened the doors for provision for Hope!

1.  A neurologist appointment for TOMORROW and chance for more answers/solutions!
2.  Reminder of how my trust and hope can only be in God:  Trust in the LORD with ALL your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make    
   straight your paths.  (Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV)  This was a great reminder that I can't trust in doctors to give me the answers and make me well.  I can only trust God!  I must cling to Him, for He alone is my Hope!
3. Renewed Hope that someday soon, I will dwell with God forever in a perfect and pain-free body! 

Praise the Lord!  Amen!